A Lady Speaks Her Mind. . .

New York State Senator Diane Savino speaks quite well for marriage equality. Even though the State Senate did not pass this bill this year it will be back. . . until they all "get the message".


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCFFxidhcy0

New Gay Relationships - Part Two

Waiting / Dating / Mating: New Gay Relationships - Part Two

Nurturing new relationships takes time and effort. Let’s look at two uncomfortable issues that can come up: arguments and sexual interest. Perhaps you’re home with Mr. Right and you have your first argument. Nothing too serious, but it’s hard not to feel unsettled. What’s going on here?

A piece of advice many couples have found works for them is: never go to bed angry. Stay with the argument until it gets resolved instead. Conflict can make you anxious when a relationship is new, but don’t shy away from speaking your mind.

Relationships where one or both partners avoid showing their true feelings in disputes with one another are relationships that aren’t going to last. See if you can let your partner express what he’s feeling upset about without getting defensive. Acknowledge that you’ve heard what he’s saying; if you think he’s right, say so. If you think he’s off base, let him know. Understand that relationships require compromise. The optimal outcome isn’t likely to be your partner unconditionally surrendering because you’ve out-argued him; the best outcome is going to be something that leaves each of you feeling well-heard and respected, and the issue in question moved toward resolution.

Don’t take everything personally, even if it’s tempting to do so. Some conflicts are just differences that need to be worked out in the interest of harmony. Maybe the biggest mistake partners make is believing “I know what he is thinking.” You don’t – at least not until you ask him. You think his lack of interest in sex last night meant he’s getting bored; maybe it just means he’s tired. Don’t make assumptions. Ask your partner what he’s thinking or feeling.

In fact, taking a few minutes regularly each week to check in is great practice that can deepen relationships. Even ten minutes apiece to ask one another, “How are you this week?” can lead to better mutual understanding, greater closeness and more opportunity for intimacy.

Another difficult issue for couples moving beyond the newlywed stage is sexual interest. When you are dating, sex with your new boyfriend feels pretty special. After a while you will get to know every hair and freckle on your partner’s body, and the novelty of sex will wear off. Life’s other demands can crowd out lovemaking. Most of us aren’t all that eager for sex after working long hours and knowing we’ve got another exhausting day ahead of us tomorrow. Throw in household chores and a hundred other distractions and sex can get pretty stale before you know it.

It may feel unromantic to schedule date night together, but doing penciling it in your Daytimers is a lot more romantic than watching another week go by without making enough time for one another. Some couples create routines or rituals that work for them: Friday nights are strictly for the two of them, no intrusions permitted, or Tuesday evenings are the night to cook a special dinner together rather than rely on the usual quick meal after work.

Keeping sex passionate requires paying attention. When you are first together, the sex may be so hot it’s hard to believe things will every cool down – but they probably will. The frequency of lovemaking often slows down after a few months, but the satisfaction both partners receive from sex can increase as they learn more about how to turn one another on.

Take time to start your relationship off on the right foot and you’ll like the results.

John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

New Gay Relationships - Part One

Waiting / Dating / Mating: New Gay Relationships - Part One

Starting a new relationship can feel a bit disorienting. At first everything is exciting; this is what you’ve always wanted, right? Months or years – seems like a lifetime – of dating, and all of a sudden here he is! What’s next?

Relationships require care and encouragement and it helps to get things started on the right foot. Perhaps your first thought is, “so when do we start living together?” Whoa – slow down. Most of us know guys who went home from the bar together the night they first met, and one of them basically never went home. Other couples have been together for years, but find it more agreeable to keep separate households.

Take time to find out what the right rhythm is for each of you. If your tendency in the past has been to make a commitment like moving in with someone after only a few weeks only to find that the relationship never should have happened, make a commitment to yourself that this time you are going to wait at least six months before combining your CD collections. What’s the rush?

Those are good things in a relationship, too, but face it – if he hangs around, your lover is going to see you at times other than when you are on top of your game. Allowing your partner to see you at times when you aren’t your best – when things haven’t gone well at work or you’ve had a painful conflict with your crazy family – isn’t stuff you would usually recommend for a first date. But being yourself in good times and bad is the way he’ll get to know you and the way the bonds of intimacy will deepen between you.

If you let your partner see you warts and all, he’ll probably show you his less-attractive stuff as well. It can be a little startling seeing Mr. Right’s flaws.

Don’t think you can change your partner. The start of a relationship offers a great opportunity to learn all about his eccentricities: the way he mispronounces that particular word of his, or his curious need to keep his checkbook in perfect balance. See if you can practice just noticing rather than criticizing. Who is this peculiar creature that now shares your life? Promise yourself you won’t nit-pick these little things. Learn to relax and laugh at yourself and your reactions to these little things. Criticism and nagging aren’t going to get you off on the right foot.

Some men handle intimacy easier than others. Intimacy requires us to let down our guard and become more open and vulnerable. The trouble is, most men have learned from an early age that making yourself letting down your defenses is a stupid thing to do because you’re likely to get hurt. This makes closeness a real challenge for guys, even if it’s what we most want. You really care about what this guy thinks of you, and the temptation is to try to look good rather than be genuine.

One of the secrets of relationships is that if the relationship is a healthy one, we actually become safer in it by lowering our defenses. Our partner responds to our openness with more openness of his own, or we learn that the blemish that we worried would cause him to run away turns out to be no big deal.

(Part Two Tomorrow)

John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER

MUCH ABOUT LOVE. . . or at least some more words about love.

Picturing This Thought: Guys Twogether

If Kisses Were Raindrops,
I'd Send You A Storm.

[borrowed from gaytwogether.com)

Thanks for your continuing comments, COOP et al. This is an area which needs in each of us a lot of clarification and sorting of ideas.

One of the guys in our therapy-support group [made up of five gays and one str8 psych majors + our prof-mentor) was talking about this yesterday in session.

He was saying that way too many notions and variants of ersatz "love" are just swallowed [sic] without any kind of selectivity. It's "anything goes" whatever turns you on, baby", "f*^k you, I got mine" etc and we don't make intelligent choices and decions re:the highly volatile emotions we think of as 'love'.

Basically, qualified and time-tested authors and academicians talk about 2 kinds of love: 'agape' and 'eros'. Agape is that love for family, parents-children, buddies, best friends and so forth.

It is an "universal" love, admitting of different degrees of intensity. For christian writers this is the kind of challenging other-centered love best expressed in the words of Jesus "Love one another as I have love you." [Try it and see how much that really costs us! hehe]

"Eros" is erotic love which by its very nature knows an exclusivity about it. Erotic love is not the activity of a group=grope, orgy, circle jerk, whatever. That isn't erotic love.. . that is classic narcissism. Do you know the myth of Narcissus?

In Greek Mythology Narcissus was a handsome young sexy dude who was much taken up with himself. . his needs, desires, physical beauty, etc. You've met this dude before, right? Story says he liked sitting by a deep pool looking at his own reflection, struck by his own real -or imagined - beauty. . . .One day he was so enamored of himself that he leaned deep over the water to kiss his own image deeply and was sucked into the deep pool and drowned. Pity.

This is not, obviously, the example of a healthy normal erotic love between two people, which admits of all the multi-faceted variants and expressions of an exclusive love relationship.

Given the many many aspects and ideals of 'agape' and 'eros' it would seem both would be present in and define a committed relationship as in marriage. . .and I would add here whether heterosexual [one man, one woman. . . once! ] or homosexual [two persons, same sex] marriage.

As we well know this paragraph hints at the underlying basis for marriage. And because these elements are almost always clouded by prejudice, "traditions", fear, politics in civil and ecclesial arenas [I use this word arena deliberately] because all sorts of unsorted, undiscerned, just assumed dynamics are embattled there can be no logical, peaceful conclusions.

I would suggest too, for sake of dialog, if you look back over the posts in this one blog JustinDunes what I have thrown together here in this post summarizes the underlying theme of most of our posts and comments here.

The revived music of the Beatles this summer, and their philosphy All you need is love is fine. . . as long as you have sorted things out and really know what YOU need and how you plan to reach and fulfill this goal.

There, on this gloomy looming winter day, I will see what fires are lighted under my offered theses. LOL

ciao ciao, bambini
Justin O'Shea

When You Say You Love Me

This is a cool song. . . . give a quiet listen first. Then check the site. . .lots of tunes available. . .BUT the real reason I sent this to you is The SONG. . .the words. . Says a lot to me today. . . .about recent trip home.. .. .justin

When you say you love me. . . .

When You Say You Love Me by: Josh Groban

A QUESTION. . . .and some comments. . . .

Question for you-- Is it possible to be in love with someone and not have any sexual feelings for them? Thanks.

First off, Anonymous, thanks for your comments and your question.

Hmmm first off, I don't know. . . how do you define "in love"? Ordinarily, "in love" means a somewhat exclusive involvement. . .and being in love with someone usually involves deep and intimate manifestations. Is this too broad or too exclusive?

I know this: I love many people, some more than others, but I am not sexually attracted to them and do not have any sexual feelings for them. There are those for whom I do have "sexual feelings" but I do not love them; I don't even know them. . .but lustily desire their bodies. . LOL

There have been those I class as being "in love with" and this did involve sexual feelings. And I am currently "in love" with someone and there definitely are sexual feelings and expression.

This is my limited take on your good question. NOW, I hope OTHERS will share their views on this question. Please. . if I am narrow, I DO want to expand. . .as it were.

Thanks all.
Justin

A PRAYER ON WORLD AIDS DAY

Respecting our various beliefs and prayer styles perhaps we might use some parts of this prayer to the Universal Creator, however we may imagine it. Thanks.

On this World AIDS Day, offer this
Prayer for all Who Suffer with HIV/AIDS
God of our weary years, God of our silent tears, O Good and gracious God, you are the God of health and wholeness. In the plan of your creation, you call us to struggle in our sickness and to cling always to the cross of your Son. Father, we are your servants. Many of us are now suffering with HIV or AIDS. We come before you, and ask you, if it is your holy will, to take away this suffering from us, restore us to health and lead us to know you and your powerful healing, love of body and spirit. We ask you also to be with those of us who nurse your sick ones. We are the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, and friends of your suffering people. It is so hard for us to see those whom we love suffer. You know what it is to suffer. Help us to minister in loving care, support, and patience to your people who suffer with HIV and AIDS. Lead us to do whatever it will take to eradicate this illness from the lives of those who are touched by it, both directly and indirectly. Trusting in you and the strength of your Spirit, we pray these things in the name of Jesus. Amen.