Gay Relationships: The Abusive Partner Posted: 14 Mar 2016 05:25 AM PDT Same-sex domestic violence doesn’t seem like a big problem to many gay men. Statistics are hard to come by; it’s hard to know the scope of the problem.  Just like male rape, however, men find themselves being victimized on occasion. For men there can be the additional issue that because we think it can’t happen to us, we have a hard time understanding what has happened -- or we are quick to blame ourselves. Violence in gay relationships can be physical, sexual, emotional -- or a combination of all three. Emotional abuse is indicated by frequent put-downs, name-calling, humiliation, mind games or guilt trips. Similarly, relationships that become controlled by jealousy, isolation and obsessive control are abusive. Abusive relationships don’t usually start out violently; if they did, it would be easier for victims to recognize and avoid them. Instead, there is a progression of abuse. The perpetrator may be very affectionate, then become more controlling or have angry outbursts. Apologies may follow these episodes, along with promises of change.  But then the occasions of hostility become more frequent. Angry words are thrown, as are objects. Threats are made. When the relationship deteriorates to breaking things and making threats, battering is just around the corner -- pushing, slapping, restraining, punching. Sexual assault, broken bones or other serious injury may be next. Problems that affect gay relationships are often pretty much like those that affect our hetero counterparts. Women are far and away the greatest victims of domestic violence -- and heterosexual men are overwhelmingly most likely to be perpetrators -- male-male or female-female couples can also become abusive. Individuals with low self-esteem who have unrealistically romantic ideas about relationships may be especially prone to find themselves in abusive relationships. Relationships in which drugs and alcohol play a significant part can be more at risk for abuse and violence. If you are in an abusive relationship, you must take your situation seriously. This is not a time for unrealistic optimism and sentimentality; this is a time for saving your life. If your partner is serious about change, he will do two things: First, he will accept responsibility for his own actions, rather than shift the blame to you. Second, he will seek treatment -- not as a way of manipulating you into staying in the relationship, but treatment on his own, without conditions. If he meets these conditions, you will need to decide whether the relationship is one which is healthy for you to continue or not. You may want to seek professional help. If your partner does not accept responsibility for his actions and does not seek to change, you must establish a plan for safely separating from him. Batterers often become enraged when their victim seeks to leave. If you are sharing a home with your abuser, you will need to establish a plan for leaving to minimize the likelihood of a violent confrontation. Are their friends who can help? If you will need to move out, where will you go? Establish a plan to help you move to safety. For more information, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE. John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly toGAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

A HEALTHY GAY RELATIONSHIP?

What Makes A Healthy Gay Relationship? Posted: 10 Mar 2016 05:25 AM PST "Healthy relationships require patience, creativity, skill and commitment. It can be hard work, but few accomplishments in life are more satisfying." Healthy intimacy is a dance that honors and enjoys our partner while not losing our sense of individuality. Time and activity with our partner must be balanced by activities we do by ourselves or with people other than our partner. There is a saying that healthy families are alike, but unhappy ones are each unhappy in their own unique way. I’m not certain that this is strictly accurate.Still, there are certain attributes of relationships that tend to mark them as healthy or unhealthy..... There are gender patterns that seem to emerge in relationships: men tend to be good at maintaining individuality (perhaps at the expense of deeper intimacy) while women tend to value connection with the other (sometimes at a cost to their sense of individuality). An ability to put the partner’s needs on a par with our own is something healthy relationships have in common. This rarely means splitting decisions right down the middle; it’s more likely that I give you what you want sometimes while I get more of what I desire on another occasion. We don’t keep score, but we have a rough sense of balance that works for us. When things get out of balance, we talk about it. Communication between lovers is critical to healthy relationships; no surprise here. Communication involves an ability to speak our truth to the other, to express our desires and needs in a way that helps them to get met. (Of course, know what your desires actually are is an important first step here, and not always an easy one.) Equally important is an ability to listen to what the other person is saying, and to be able to respond. This may be quite a challenge when emotions are close to the surface – or out in the open. For this reason, some couples fall into the trap of avoiding conflict. While most of us dislike conflict, an ability to express differences in a way that helps us to work things through is a critical attribute of a successful relationship. Handling differences or disagreements with skill helps to keep a relationship safe and growing. Avoiding conflict often results in storing up resentments and grievances. One or both partners start withdrawing from the relationship and it begins to fade. A commitment to working things through and to each other’s well being helps to keep a relationship safe for intimacy. If every disagreement results in a threat to leave, the relationship will not feel like a safe container for one’s innermost thoughts and feelings. Finally, passion is an important component of enduring and “juicy” relationships. It’s not unusual for the erotic energy to shift in a relationship as the partners grow more familiar with one another and the everyday demands of life intrude on the passion that may be all consuming early in a relationship. Identifying our desires, communicating them, not judging, trying new things…. all of these approaches can help to maintain or increase the level of sexual excitement in a relationship. Some couples find that as they grow more familiar with one another and more skilled at bringing the other pleasure, sexual excitement in a relationship can actually increase. Healthy relationships require patience, creativity, skill and commitment. It can be hard work, but few accomplishments in life are more satisfying. John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly toGAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

ARE COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS POSSIBLE?

Gay Relationships: Are Committed Relationships Possible? Posted: 11 Mar 2016 05:25 AM PST I heard from a friend recently who told me about a recent conversation with a young friend over dinner.  Seems the young guy had recently split with a boyfriend after finding out that his man had been sleeping around.The conversation turned to gay men and sex. Why is it so hard to find a gay man who is interested in monogamy?   Why is it so hard to find intimacy and sexual connection in the same person? My friend told me he was stumped and found the questions a bit haunting. What is it about gay men and sex? Are all gay men promiscuous? We may wince at the word “promiscuity,” but research and personal experience both indicate that gay men have more sexual partners than heterosexual men. It’s reasonable to question why that might be, and to think about the costs and benefits of our sexual choices. Sex is important to gay men. In addition to the obvious reason – sex is highly pleasurable – until recently sex between men was illegal, disapproved of and marginalized in most parts of our country. And gay male culture tends to be both sexy and sexualized. Ellen DeGeneres tells a joke about looking in the gay yellow pages when she first came out and remarking, “Wow! Look at the abs on that mortician!” Gay men have always had long-term, committed and monogamous relationships, of course. That’s quite an accomplishment when you consider all the obstacles placed in the way of such relationships’ success: lack of legal recognition, frequent lack of family support, etc. But gay men don’t always assume that sexuality can only be healthy in the context of a committed relationship. (Contrast this with the situation of heterosexuals, where sex is supposed to be only within marriage, yet sex outside of marriage isn’t at all uncommon.) Pleasure makes the sexual urge very strong, but that doesn’t mean our reasons for having sex aren’t complex. Sex can be lovemaking – celebrating the passion and connection with a partner we love. But there are all sorts of other reasons why people choose to have sex: maybe they’re horny or lonely. Maybe they’re drunk or just bored. And some men have learned to use sex as a way to escape from stress. Sex can be a deep expression of intimacy, but pursuing many sexual partners can reflect just the opposite – a fear of real intimacy. Casual sex can allow us to scratch our itch to physically connect with another person without requiring us to do the hard work involved in having a healthy relationship. Over time that can decrease our ability to have those sorts of committed, fulfilling relationships. Does the gay community encourage gay men to have a large number of sex partners, particularly outside of relationships? The sexual infrastructure of our community includes cruisy bars, circuit parties, bathhouses, sex clubs and Internet hook-up sites with names like Manhunt or Cruisingforsex. Sex is instantly available to anyone with a car or Internet connection. It’s not that recreational sex is a bad thing, but sex can become compulsive and unhealthy if it becomes the source of our identity or if it becomes compulsive. When we become preoccupied with sexuality or anything else, life loses its balance. Back to my friend’s dinner conversation. Is it difficult to find gay men who are ready for committed relationships? I don’t think so. Our community presents lots of alternatives, though, and guys who spend a lot of time in the hypersexual parts of the gay community aren’t good candidates for monogamous life. Chalk up another reason why it’s good to take plenty of time to get to know the person you’re dating before you imagine giving your heart to him. John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHERor John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.