SHY GUY> . . . part two

Gay Relationships: Shy Guys Make Good Boyfriends Too - Part 2

Posted: 31 Jan 2014 05:25 AM PST

( CONTINUED FROM YESTERDAY )

Why So Shy?  - Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behavior or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person. For example, if you were raised in a family where you were made to feel “less than”, your shyness could have developed out of a belief that you were only worthwhile if you lived up to certain expectations, so you became more inhibited and stifled as a result. If you lived with others who were shy or emotionally identified with an attachment figure who was shy, you may have observed and modeled that behavior yourself and it became a part of you.

  

Growing up gay doesn’t help the shy guy much either. Living “in the closet” and trying to cope with being different in a homophobic society could have inhibited you even more, amplifying the effects of shyness.Having been a shy guy myself, feeling more comfortable with my sexual identity and “coming-out” helped me tremendously in breaking out of my shell and becoming more socially confident as I was finally able to be the “real me” and let loose without the fear of scrutiny. Where does your shyness stem from? Try to understand the origins of your shyness by examining your attitudes and past experiences more closely.

Battle Strategies For Overcoming Shyness:

  

Conquering the shyness beast is not a quick-fix, so it’s important to go slow, pace yourself, and take small steps toward your goals. From my own personal experience and from my work as a therapist and coach with clients, the following are some practical coping tools for taking some steps toward overcoming shyness for those guys who don’t want to be held back any further from realizing and living their visions for fulfilling social and dating experiences.

  

* Become educated in anxiety management strategies. Learn relaxation techniques that will help you cope more effectively with nervousness so you don’t keep succumbing to the power of your physical reactions.

 

* Develop a contract with yourself or a close friend/family member detailing an action plan for how you intend to conquer your shyness problem. Schedule times every week that will stretch you out of your comfort zone and put yourself in social situations where you can practice becoming more confident and savvy. Learn about systematic desensitization to help gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.

 

* If throwing yourself into a social scene is too overwhelming to start with, start slower by taking an acting class or joining a public speaking meeting like Toastmasters. These venues are excellent places to teach you valuable social skills in a structured, safe, setting that will give you the practice you need to feel more self-assured. They’re great for building your confidence and self-esteem too and you can make some great new friends! When you’re ready, try the structured Speed Dating craze as a segue to experimenting in the dating world. For now, don’t attach any investment in outcome. Use the more non-threatening parts of your world as your practice laboratory. In time, you’ll develop more of a sense of mastery and comfort in your own skin.

 

* Learn communication and active listening skills that will assist you in having conversations with others. Be mindful of your body language and how you carry yourself too. If you need to, plan ahead and make a list of topics you can talk about at a social gathering or event, but don’t be rehearsed.

 

* Picture yourself as you’d like to be and visualize this on a regular basis to rehearse and internalize this more socially sophisticated you. Role-play with a trusted friend. Create a collage with pictures, words, and symbols that represent the image of the “new you” and keep it posted in a place where you see it every day to keep centered and motivated on where you’re headed.

 

* Break out of the self-absorption trap by transferring the focus to helping others. Channel the energies that reinforced your shyness into rewarding activities that will benefit others in some way. Paradoxically, you’ll be helping yourself too!

 

* Most importantly, challenge the negative thoughts that go through your head. These feed your insecurity and breed shyness. Learn about cognitive distortions and learn how to “talk back” to self-defeating thoughts that sabotage you. Look at situations realistically and substitute those toxic thoughts with more affirming ones that will empower you to see and act like the great guy that you are.

 

* Read as many books and workbooks on shyness and social anxiety as you can. Enlist the help of a therapist or coach to go through them with you to help you generalize your learning to the places where it counts most.

 

Conclusion:

  

Realize, shy guys, that the more you run from and avoid your anxiety-provoking situations, the more strengthened and reinforced your shyness gets. The key is to stop giving away your personal power to others (in what you perceive of them thinking of you) and learn to become more assertive. Stand up for yourself, take charge of your life, and don’t stay home another Friday night alone in front of the TV. Get out there and make your dreams come true! You have a lot to contribute and give, but you must realize this first and take proactive steps to making your vision a reality.

 

And a special note to all you single, extroverted, outgoing, non-shy guys….

  

Don’t be so quick to dismiss a guy just because he’s a little quiet or reserved. Shy guys can very easily get “lost in the crowd” and get overlooked by the more colorful, sociable men that tend to draw the attention in social circles.

 

Never underestimate the power and value of a shy guy. He is very creative, passionate, loyal, and caring. Sometimes he might need a little extra encouragement or reassurance, but he’s loving and he’s got your back and he can add a lot of meaning to your life. So never turn a blind eye, because shy guys make good boyfriends too. And who knows, he could even turn out to be your life partner.

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

THANKS to BRIAN and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

A couple Provincetown movies. . . .from Richard

Richard Hastings

To Me

Today at 4:56 PM

Provincetown is beautiful in all seasons, but I almost prefer it in winter after a good snow.  Pictures everywhere, just waiting to be taken, as witnessed in this video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8dFE-9TFPI

Sometimes, however, dancing is the thing to do.  This was actually taken in Wellfleet, down Justin’s way.  A couple of nice bears.  Watch out for the mama though!

http://www.ptown.com/2014/01/video-snow-bears-happy-twerking.html

Richard. . ..thanks immnsely. . . .;-))

justin

'down the road apiece. . .'

SHY GUYS . . . .part one

Gay Relationships: Shy Guys Make Good Boyfriends Too - Part 1 Posted: 30 Jan 2014 05:25 AM PST You look up from your book at the coffee shop and become paralyzed with nervous anticipation as you see the hot guy you’ve been smitten with from afar sit down at the table across the room.He’s alone today and what a great opportunity it would be to finally approach him and introduce yourself. But the anxiety is mounting as you visualize yourself doing this and you bury yourself back in your book. You feel your face burning as you berate yourself for not having the guts to make yourself known. “He’d never be interested in me!” “I’d just die if he rejected me!” “And what if he did show some interest? What would I say? He’d think I’m a complete idiot and loser the second I’d open my mouth!” These thoughts swirl through your mind as you look up to find another guy has swooped in for the kill and has been invited to sit at the table with the object of your desire. Another missed opportunity! If you’re a shy guy, and don’t want to be, dating can be a frustrating and daunting experience. When you’re out and about, it looks so easy for other guys to approach and cozy up to other men. Or if you do have advances made toward you, you just want to kick yourself when you freeze up and don’t know what to say and feel like you’ve made a bad impression and scare him off. This article will shed some light on the symptoms and psychology behind shyness and offer some suggestions for breaking free of its chains that hold you back from experiencing a satisfying social and dating life.  What It’s Like For The Shy Guy: Shyness ranges on a continuum from situational to dispositional. Some people tend to be socially inhibited in just certain types of settings or circumstances, whereas for other people this anxiety tends to be more of a personality trait that is a predominant way of life, manifesting itself in many different types of scenarios across the board. Shy guys tend to be more introverted, preferring more solitary activities to their extroverted counterparts, who tend to like to recharge their batteries through social contact. Neither is better or worse than the other, though society does tend to favor the more outgoing personality-type and stigmatizes the more quiet, internal individuals. The more important aspect here is whether or not any negative consequences are experienced as a result of one’s particular leanings. Although there are exceptions, generally speaking many shy guys tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations and dislike having attention called to themselves. This anxiety can be translated into stumbling on their words/stuttering, becoming easily embarrassed, and showing many physical signs of being nervous. They tend to feel judged by others and are highly sensitive to the opinions of others, wanting to avoid any type of criticism or rejection. They can feel inhibited, self-conscious, have a difficult time relaxing, and are very internal and self-focused in the sense that they are very preoccupied with their own thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. They have a difficult time meeting people, struggle with initiating and maintaining conversations, dread group interactions, and can have a hard time standing up for themselves and voicing their opinions and needs. Unfortunately, many people can misinterpret a shy guy’s behavior as his being snooty, stuck-up, arrogant, or aloof and cold when that’s really not the case at all. Shy guys often times shine when they are in settings where they feel safe or are around people they know well. They also often perform well in structured situations where the players interact in scripted-like roles where there’s little need for spontaneity or mingling without a purpose. Positively speaking, shy individuals tend to be very creative and have great imaginations that can lend themselves remarkably well to relationships and situations of leadership and change. Their biggest culprit is the negative self-talk in their heads that minimize their competence and value; if this obstacle could be removed, their quality of life would boost to a much higher level. [ Part Two - Tomorrow ] Thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

FATE OF JUSTIN BEIBER

There is a petition sent to President Obama with 103,000 signers [100,000 signers are required in order to reach president's desk] requesting that Justin Beiber be deported to Canada.  They think Justin is an undesirable presence in the USA, is not a model for any teenager today, etc. etc.

I am sure there will be copious news items on tv, news, radios, etc.

WHAT is your opinion?  Do you have one yet?

;-)
Justin O'Shea

UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Gay Relationships: Taking Care Of Unfinished Business Posted: 24 Jan 2014 05:25 AM PST Some men are pretty good at dating, but seem mysteriously unable to close the deal and form a lasting and committed relationship.   There are plenty of reasons why this might be the case; one reason is that we often have unfinished business elsewhere in our lives that keeps us distracted or unavailable for the sort of intimacy that demands our fullest attention. Unfinished business comes in many forms. For some men there are issues left over from their growing-up years that haven’t been resolved – issues like abuse within the family of origin, or stuff that created feelings of abandonment.  We know that how we experience our family life during our early years influences the issues we bring to relationships as adults. It’s often necessary to make progress in dealing with this material before we can be truly ready for a satisfying adult relationship. A guy who hasn’t completed the work of coming out is also going to find it tough to create a healthy relationship. If a relationship must be kept secret from family members, for instance, the partner of the man with the secret is likely to feel discounted – especially at times like the holidays. Coming out is good for an individual’s mental health and for healthy partnerships.   Remember the first time you fell in love? It would be nice if that relationship “took” and the guy involved became your one and only for the rest of your life, but that’s not usually the case. We usually date any number of men before we find the right qualities and mutual attraction that let us know we’ve found the guy to settle down with. That means that dating can also leave us with incomplete stuff. Maybe we’ve never quite gotten over that guy who called it quits a year ago. Or perhaps we ended a connection with someone else and have always felt incomplete about the way it happened. If the relationship was of longer duration (say, a lover of several years with whom we parted company), the feelings of attachment to the former relationship can be even stronger. Maybe we continue to have business or emotional attachments. Maybe we’re still grieving, especially if the relationship ended with the previous partner’s death. This sort of unfinished business will get in the way of establishing a new relationship if we are secretly carrying a torch for someone else, or if we feel we left such a mess behind that we find ourselves feeling guilty. It’s like part of our attention is elsewhere, not on the new guy in our lives. Cleaning up these messy situations one way or another clears away obstacles to opening our heart with someone new. That cleaning up may or may not involve actual contact with the our ex. What may be most important is to determine if there is something left to unsaid or unspoken. If there are amends that need to be made and if the ex is willing to have allow that to happen, cleaning things up can be a healthy step forward for both you and the other person. If that’s not possible, there are other ways to bring a degree of closure to the situation. Talking things over with a friend or a therapist can help us figure out what, if anything needs to be done. Relationships often touch us in deep places and make a lasting effect on us. Taking care of business old and new is one way we allow healthy intimate connections to flourish in our lives. John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. THANKS    Michael@gaytwogether.com

BF EVALUATION. . . . .PARTS ONEand TWO

Gay Relationships: The Boyfriend Evaluation: Getting to Know Him - Part One

Posted: 22 Jan 2014 05:25 AM PST

So you made it through the first date with this new guy and he’s intrigued you. You find him attractive, enjoyable to be around, and with the little bit of information you’ve been able to obtain at your first contact, he seems to meet some of your personal requirements and needs for a potential boyfriend thus far. So now what?

Now you’re about to embark upon the fine art of dating and courtship.Together, the two of you will begin the process of getting to know each other better through going out on dates for fun and recreation and learning about one another in a variety of different contexts and situations.

Through this relationship-building process, you’ll slowly begin forming an emotional bond while gauging if the other is compatible with your visions for a life partner. Gaining this wisdom is only possible with experience and exposure to each other as you learn about each other’s preferences, personalities, needs, goals, dreams, etc.

This article will offer a checklist of qualities and characteristics to be on the lookout for as you’re forming your impressions about your new dating partner.

This can help guide you in making sound decisions about your goodness-of-fit with him, as well as to guard against any “red flags” that you may stumble upon along the way so you don’t get embroiled into an unhealthy relationship.

First Things First

While this article is about examining traits in the guy you’re seeing to help you make good relationship choices, never forget that your dating success rests largely on yourself. This means that you’ve done the work necessary to have a stable, balanced lifestyle, have a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence, have put closure to unfinished business from the past, and have a clear vision of who you are, what you want, and what you stand for (both as an individual and for a life partner and relationship). This becomes your foundation for leading a fulfilling life and having the knowledge of your negotiable and non-negotiable needs for a lifelong lover that you’ll need as you date.

Secondly, keep those pants on and hormones in check! Unless you want to define your budding relationship solely by sex, jumping into bed too quickly can confuse and blur your assessment process. Sex does change things and you don’t want to sabotage a potentially good thing by being sexual too early before a foundation of trust, rapport, and security has been established between the two of you. So, down boy! It will be that much hotter when the time is right!


Part Two - The Boyfriend Evaluation -questions you can ask yourself as you get acquainted with your boyfriend prospects as you date them. ]

Gay Relationships: The Boyfriend Evaluation: Getting to Know Him - Part Two Posted: 23 Jan 2014 05:20 AM PST [ continued from yesterday ] The Boyfriend Evaluation  The following are some questions you can ask yourself as you get acquainted with your boyfriend prospects as you date them. These characteristics can make or break a relationship; it all depends on what your personal requirements and ideals are that will indicate how much priority you’ll give to each of these items. This list is just a starting point—add your own for a more personalized touch. Whether you’ve been dating your guy for couple of days or for a number of months, keep your eyes peeled regarding some of the following: Is he honest and does he demonstrate integrity? Does he do what he says he’s going to do? (eg. when he says he’s going to call you, does he promptly?) Is he available to you, able to spend quality time with you, and make you a priority in his schedule? Does he have friends, hobbies, or other outlets that make for a balanced lifestyle and individuality? Does he strike a balance between having fun and attending to responsibilities in his life? Rate his degree of affection, playfulness, and capacity for intimacy. What’s your sexual compatibility like? What are his views on monogamy? Does he seem interested in health and wellness and devote time for self-care and renewal? What are his relationships like with his family? How comfortable is he with being gay and what’s his level of “outness?” Does he appear to have any mental health issues (depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) or addictions (alcohol/drugs, gambling, work, sex, food, etc.)? How does he appear to handle his finances and how are his spending habits? What are his views on money, marriage, religion, children, gay relationships, living together, future life planning issues, etc.? Does he stimulate you intellectually? How does he deal with anger and stress? Does he become violent? How adept is he at dealing with his emotions? How are his communication and conflict management skills? Is he already involved in another relationship? Has he been able to “let go of past boyfriends? In observing him, how does he treat or talk about other people? Is he critical or judgmental? Is he able to be decisive about things or do you tend to have to make all the decisions in the relationship? (eg. “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”) Assess his personality traits: Is he…Clingy? Dependent? Emotionally distant or responsive? Controlling? Able to share? Maturity level? Giving and kind? What type of relationship is he looking for? Is he ready for commitment? Is he willing to put forth the effort involved in building a long-term relationship? Conclusion While this may seem like a lot of detective work, don’t become so preoccupied with your “mental checklist” that it distracts you from your relationship. Make your dating life enjoyable and an adventure; have fun with it! But at the first sign of unsolvable “red flags” or non-negotiable needs not being met, remove yourself from the dating relationship before you invest any more of your heart and precious time into it—you’ll be doing both of you a favor. Settling and thinking you can change your partner over time are serious traps that you want to avoid. Turn the above questions back on yourself to see if there are any areas where you might be able to improve upon to make yourself more solid and whole. So enjoy getting to know your new guy and all the lessons you’ll learn about yourself and relationships. Let the journey begin! THANKS  Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

THE DUCKY BOYS, BIGOTS, DUMMIES, ETC. .. . LOL

More on "the Ducks". . . .

gp has left a new comment on your post "WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL . . .!!!!": 

Totally off the subject Justin (sorry), but thought you might find this interesting. According to Bill Maher, the Ducky guys probably were your garden-variety racist/homophobic frat boys before they morphed into their current made-for-tv, backwoods, good ole boy roles. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/01/18/1270686/-Bill-Maher-Has-New-For-Rule-To-Duck-Dynasty-Following-Americans-VIDEO?detail=email 

WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL . . .!!!!

Justin!

Did you hear that some parts of Olde Cape Codde had nearly 2 feet of snow over the past day or two?  I just got an e-mail from the Cape Cinema in Dennis saying they were closed for the day until roads could be cleared!!!  That must be a sight!
H

OUR HISTORY IN 2 MINUTES

�

This is BRILLIANT.........watch it in full screen..........

Amazing video by a High School Student!

�

WOW!

Our History in 2 minutes

�

Have you seen this?

It's a final project by a high school student.

It's worth watching a couple of times......excellent.

�

http://marcbrecy.perso.neuf.fr/history.html

�

�

 

re COMMENTS

SORRY about that. . . .I just discovered 7 comments awaiting publication. . . even the most recent about The Maritimes. . . ahem.
I guess I didn't see them.  Not ignored, for sure. . .not seen,  ;-(
I plan to amend my life. . . daily.  ;-)

A little P.S. of my own.  It does feel good being back on Campus and at the Clinic. . . .where I can share freely what I've been given by so many people and life-situations.  Happy to report, too, that several of my clients were "relieved" to see me.  Some find holidays and vacations stressful, for various reasons.

Very good, too, to be back at GrandMama Mde Bouvier's home. She seems quite content to have "her boys back home where they belong" as I overheard her say to someone on the phone.  Because of his work at the hospital Peter didn't have as much time off as I did.  Times, too, when the loverly Winter storms didn't favor trips home to The Cape.  . . . or anywhere.

Scene/ SEEN while driving:  two babies carefully strapped in their car seats in the back seat. . . .while MAMA, presumably, was driving
and animatedly chattering on her cell-phone AND smoking, even chain smoking, cigarettes!  At the light -- she was next lane to me --
she lit up a fresh cigarette from the finished butt!!! --- before flicking it out the window. . . .  EWIESSSS

Worse -- I guess -- than the gentleman reading the morning paper spread on the steering wheel. . . or the guy shaving using his plug-in!
The best road-way admonition I saw was a home-made cardboard sign in his truck window:   SHUT UP. . . .HANG UP. . . .DRIVE !

These are the people who adamantly deny principles of cause and effect.  As mostly-naked Puck's sign says; "O what fools these mortals be. "  AMENNNNN.

Justin of the Dunes and Elsewhere. . . .;-)

WoW! In this age and day. . . . . ;-)

Storms, Floods, and Idiocy, evidently!

UKIP councillor blames storms and floods on gay marriage

Councillor David Silvester from Henley-on-Thames had defected from the Tories to UKIP

• 
  

A UKIP councillor has blamed the recent storms and heavy floods across Britain on the Government's decision to legalise gay marriage.

David Silvester said the prime minister had acted "arrogantly against the Gospel".

In a letter to his local paper he said he had warned David Cameron the legislation would result in "disaster".

UKIP said Mr Silvester's views were "not the party's belief" but defended his right to stateIn the letter to the Henley Standard he wrote: "The scriptures make it abundantly clear that a Christian nation that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel (and in naked breach of a coronation oath) will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war."Mr Silvester, from Henley-on-Thames in Oxfordshire, defected from the Tories in protest at Mr Cameron's support for same-sex unions.

He added: "I wrote to David Cameron in April 2012 to warn him that disasters would accompany the passage of his same-sex marriage bill.

"But he went ahead despite a 600,000-signature petition by concerned Christians and more than half of his own parliamentary party saying that he should not do so."

He then went to on blame the prime minister for the bad weather:

"It is his fault that large swathes of the nation have been afflicted by storms and floods."

He went on to say that no man, however powerful "can mess with Almighty God with impunity and get away with it".

A UKIP spokeswoman said: "It is quite evident that this is not the party's belief but the councillor's own and he is more than entitled to express independent thought despite whether or not other people may deem it standard or correct."

Independent thought made the UK "a wonderful, proud, diverse and free country".

Henley's Tory MP John Howell, said: "I thought Mr Silvester's letter was not the sort of thing that he should have written in today's age.

"He really needs to consider his position."

Hmmmm?

Sorry about that. . . .I see I posted that article. . "Sex gets Boring"
last July. . .hmmm. . . .maybe the idea/topic bears repeating. . . or does the boring-thingy really happen?  Ahem. . .I haven't noticed. . . ho ho ho

We've had some "interestingly miserable weather" here on the Cape.
Sitting "high on a 'permanent' dune, our house gets the full effect of the winds. . . coming at us from the South via the b -r-o-a-d  Long Island Sound, or when it blows in from the North across Cape Cod Bay down from the Nova Scotia and other Martime locales. .  bbrrrrrrr. . .

An especially interesting pattern happens when it is snowing  hard and the snow is blowing horizontally over the land. . . .one day the floor of the veranda, aka porch, "deck" (but not really a 'deck') was bear of snow. . . and it was all coating the North-facing walls of the house having come to us across Cape Cod Bay. Some of the scrub-pine trees were snow coated only on one side. . . .some wonderful drifts along the flats along Roue 6.

On t'other side of the world, "down under" it is mid-summer and lately the Aussie-OZ-ites are sweltering under high heat temps.  For the tennis participants it has been gruelling. . . .spectators also, trying to protect themselves from the brutal rays of the sun.

I shall be gathering my stuff and heading out to The Mainlands and back to Campus. . . .play-time is over: I have to go and earn my keep. . .

Speaking of "keep" one of the most distressing items of U.S. News has been that over half of our national legislators - Senate and House -  are verified millionaires and up-the-ranks !!!  No wonder the idea of so called "ObamaCare" doesn't interest them.  Aside from their own "private revenue" from various sources, these ladies and gents do not have to worry about health insurance and medical care. . .they have their very own insurance plan given to them by the American tax-payers. . . .a plan, btw, set up and regulated by the recipiants of the insurance. . . A plan which Whoopi Goldberg says
"THAT'S the plan I want. . .that one!"

A second and not-often-spoken about perk for our venerable Servants of the People deals with government loans for college education.  Get this:  educational loans given by the US Government to the children of our legislators  and to the staff's children DO NOT NEED TO BE REPAID !  Talk about privilege!

QUESTION:  Do you think these ladies and gentlemen can really grasp, understand and meet the needs financially of the American public?   There is nothing quite yet discovered which matches or surpasses The School of Practical Experience.   There is a philosophical principal expressed in Latin which is unassailable:
"Nemo dat quod non habet.". . . literal translation  No one gives what s/he does not have.  . ."

Well. . . .I need some exercise. . . .time for my run. . . ta ta, kids!

justin o'shea

What makes a guy think he is a SEXpert ?

Gay Relationships: When Sex Gets Boring

Posted: 13 Jan 2014 05:25 AM PST

“I’ve got to beat the clock before we each lose interest.” Someone recently made that statement to me about his erotic life with his partner. His experience has been that erotic interest between two people dies pretty quickly, so you better get in as much sex as possible during the early years of the relationship.

If you don’t have good sex early on, it’s never going to get any better. Single guys sometimes tell me they get tired of their sexual routine, too: sex may be easy to get, but it’s often not deeply satisfying. They find themselves in a rut, feeling like they ought to be enjoying themselves more than they actually do....

Feeling like sex has become a chore can take a toll on how you feel about yourself. If you’re in a relationship, a sex life that’s as predictable as a 70’s sitcom rerun can make you feel like you with the wrong guy. Ruts suck. They’re boring and the siphon the juice out of just about anything: your job, your diet, and your relationships.

People are creatures of habit, whether we’re talking grocery shopping or lovemaking. Habits aren’t necessarily bad if they work for you. Trouble is, routines can become so…routine. We want a little variety, some jalapeno peppers spicing up the same old dish.

How to change things? A good place to start is with yourself. What’s it like when you’re feeling sexual and you’re also alone? Many of us have been pleasuring ourselves in the same way since we left adolescence. Get out the lube, turn on the VCR, enjoy yourself for 5 minutes, get a towel to clean up and turn out the lights for the evening. 

Talk about ruts! What would it be like to take your time, to really notice how your body feels, to run your hands over the smooth places and furry places, etc? Or to get off your back, put on some music and touch yourself while you move and dance.

You may find your eyes starting to glaze over when you hear “So what are you into?” For too many men words like “top” or “bottom” become like straightjackets, confining sex to predictable routines. Why not mix it up?

Whether tricking, dating or relating, too many of us have picked up the mistaken message that a good lover is in charge of his partner’s pleasure. This is actually a little grandiose; how are you supposed to know what makes him feel good, especially if he doesn’t tell you? “I’m responsible for his pleasure” leads to disappointment. Try replacing it with “I’m responsible for my own pleasure and for being present with my partner.”

A problem some men experience when they are in relationships is that we seek unconditional love from our partner, but that sort of love can seem less sexy. In fact, the affection that builds over time can make the other guy feel like family – and sex with him feel incestuous on an unconscious level. Keeping a relationship sexy means breaking that taboo.

With a partner or someone else with whom you’re sharing erotic life, it can be fun to play the “Your Turn/My Turn Game.” It goes like this: Ask your partner to undress and lay back while you explore his body. (You may want to have some conversation first about his general likes and dislikes.) Explore touching different places in his body – including touching with your hands, fingertips, fingernails, lips, etc.

Try varying the pressure – light sometimes, more forceful. ake it playful; imagine a devilish look in your eyes, asking him “Which feels better, A or B?” See if you can learn what sort of touch doesn’t work for him, what’s pleasurable, what’s a major turn-on. When you’ve finished, it’s his turn to give and your turn to receive. The object of the game is for each guy to find out more about what sort of touch feels pleasurable to receive, and for each man to learn something about how to touch the other.

Don’t let your erotic life get boring. A guy could spend an entire lifetime learning about the landscape of his own desires and learning how to be a good lover. Turn off the TV and see what happens.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

Thanks  NICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Pilgrims Monument - Provincetown, MA

Richard was out playing in the snow again and took
this photo of the Monument with the Christmas lights
kinda lost in the blizzard.

HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE. . . .. .

Commercial St, Provinctown

Thursday afternoon

before the snow really came down.

Thanks, Richard, , ,hearty soul. . . ;-)

GOTTA GET THE BREAD AND MILK !!!

Hope you are stocked up:)
Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rBjZ_U2hNY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

. . . .and a partridge in a pear tree!

May  your hearts be merry all year !

J u s t i n