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Posted: 24 Nov 2014 05:30 AM PST
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Posted: 24 Nov 2014 05:25 AM PST
 Dating can be like a roller coaster ride sometimes with its fun highs and frustrating lows. Ever wonder why some guys have more luck with the dating game than others? Ever contemplate what it takes to become more successful with men? Well, that’s a tricky business and there’s no scientific formula that will yield those positive results. I believe dating is partly luck and LOTS of preparation.
Part One of this article will count-down the first 5 out of 10 characteristics that are common to the profile of a successful gay dater. (Part Two - Tomorrow)
The list goes on beyond this as well, but these qualities can provide a starting point for you to assess your possible strengths and weaknesses as a single gay man on the prowl for your Mr. Right and to develop goals for self-improvement that will maximize your efforts out on the dating scene.
Profile Of A Successful Gay Dater:
10. He lives a life that he loves with a clear vision of his future and is armed with self-knowledge and awareness.
It’s critical that you avoid defining your whole life around dating and finding a boyfriend.This is just one aspect of your life and you don’t want to neglect and avoid the other parts of your identity. Know who you are, what you want, and where you’re going in your life.
Develop a crisp, clear vision of how you want to be and the type of life you’d like to lead and succinctly define your personal values, passions, and life purpose and live according to them. Look and feel your best! And remember, “The Law of Attraction” states that like attracts like; what you put out there and show the world has the tendency to attract the same back to you---and that goes for dating too!
9. He knows his personal requirements and refuses to tolerate anything less.
The best defense that you can have in the midst of all those men to choose from is to know what your non-negotiable needs are; things you absolutely must have or absolutely cannot have in a relationship for you to be with that particular guy. This will help you weed through the potentials and the Mr. Wrongs. And don’t sway from your requirements, no matter how hot he is! You’ll be saving yourself a lot of grief in the long run.
8. He has a solid knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
Be aware of the ingredients of a healthy partnership. This can help you detect any red flags in your dating relationship that might be “deal-breakers” or areas that the two of you could work on together. Such qualities include each person having a strong sense of self with solid boundaries, open communication, flexibility, commitment, ability to have fun, capable of non-defensive conflict negotiation, having emotional connection and intimacy, affection, sexual compatibility, etc.
7. He has a strong support system, access to resources, and is comfortable being alone.
It’s important when your single to have a good friendship network going (they can be great match-makers sometimes) and have a circle of people in your life who support you and care about you. Additionally, become knowledgeable about the resources that exist in your community for LGBT individuals as additional components you can add to your network. And learn creative ways for coping with loneliness by utilizing this alone time for self-reflection, relaxation, and movement toward your personal goals and vision.
6. He has overcome a lot of the male socialization barriers that can interfere with relationship quality of life.
“Men are tough. Men don’t cry. Men don’t show emotions.”You know, all those mumbo jumbo messages all of us men, gay and straight, had to internalize growing up. These scripts that are supposed to define manhood limit our ability to live freely. As a result, many gay relationships tend to be highlighted by competition, status, power/control struggles, and lack of effective communication skills and expression of feelings.
Put two men together in a dating situation with the same socialization scripts, and these are relationship killers! Define for yourself what being a man means, develop comfort with your masculinity and gender, and don’t be held back by these prejudicial sanctions.
( Part Two Tomorrow )
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
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Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Hey GUYS. . . how y'all doin'. . . .I be getting better. . .slowly, day by day. . .and I am learning to TRUST more and more. One Word I hang onto esp when I am scared is this: "Fear i useless. . .what is needed is trust.". . Hang in there. . JUSTIN. . .;-)
Monday, October 6, 2014
A Message from Gary. . .09/24.14T
This thoughtful email arrived from Gary right during the "recent mess" that was happening. Gary's kindness and thoughtfulness touched me in 'deep places' and I've wanted to share this with you all. Seems to me, he has something to share with each one of us.
As often is quipped, wisdom does and can come with "the Gift of Aging" and hopefully we can all learn from your shared experiences. Please remember Gary in your thoughts and prayers these days. I learned from "out of somewhere" that he is going thru some more of his "own life experiences" with added "unsought life experiences".
Gary's email. . . .
As often is quipped, wisdom does and can come with "the Gift of Aging" and hopefully we can all learn from your shared experiences. Please remember Gary in your thoughts and prayers these days. I learned from "out of somewhere" that he is going thru some more of his "own life experiences" with added "unsought life experiences".
Gary's email. . . .
G'day JustinO,
Remember that little kid who rode his trike around the veranda? He's long gone now, left behind as JustinO grew older. So is the JustinO of a few years ago who started the Dunes. The older, more mature JustinO is a different person these days, with different priorities and interests. That's the way life works. Nothing stays the same.
Mind you, it's a little different for us older blokes. We tend to remain the same for longer. And when change does occur, which it inevitably does, it's less frequent and apparent.
So if you're feeling a little guilty about losing interest in the Dunes, or simply have too many other things on your plate to spare the time, don't. Moving on is part of life.
Gary
THANKS, GARY.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
POPE FRANCIS OPENS ROME SYNOD
Some very provoking and soul-full comments by the Pope to his Brother Bishops. . . .
http://ncronline.org/news/vatican/pope-opens-synod-criticizing-bad-shepherds-those-who-thwart-god
http://ncronline.org/news/vatican/pope-opens-synod-criticizing-bad-shepherds-those-who-thwart-god
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Opening talk at "Vatican Family Synod"
http://newwaysministryblog.
James Allison, catholic priest, theologian, multi-faceted scholar, usually has a bon mot for an occasion; this is no exception.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Dear Fellow Pilgrims. . . . . As you see I have been quite absent from The Dunes and internet in general. Not because of caring or interest: you know I LOVE you all dearly !
But, as the old Yanks have a wont to say things: "I've had the rug pulled from under me". . . Yepper. Whoooooosssshhhhh! G O N E !
Since mid-May and Finals. . .which we all passed with Flying Colors!!! ho ho ho. . . .but I was pushing with all my might. . . to keep my head "out of water". from "going under".
Somewhere between mid-May to mid-July they tell me I have suffered a SILENT HEART ATTACK. . . .and I never knew. . .why? when? how come? ETC. By mid-July I was suffering mightily with retaining fluids, swollen legs from water retention, etc. . . .Imagine! Me???? What the hell is going on.
Congestive heart failure was what was going on. . . .I finally found out when I awoke one morning around 4 am with difficulty breathing. Of course I was alone. . . . Peter was working that night. I sat and argued withmyself "Shoild I dial 911?"
Finally the good and prudent and wise part left of me dialed the 911 and the Gent who answered at 4:30. . . "Hold on, bro. . .we'll be right there. " And almost before I knew it, THEY were there. . .those wonderfully trained volu. .nteers had me on oxygen, with an IV drip, and EKG going on. . .and off we raced in The Dawn to the ER. . . .and those wonderful people too knew what to do and soon had me "doing the regular routine" with EKGs, videos, etc. etc. . .and just lay there in total awe ...... this was happening to me!!!
No angels were visible, no harps or bells. . .just quiet gentle peace and the real sense of love. . .being loved was surrounding me . . . .the healing was beginning!
HALLELUIAH!!!
Stabilzed in numbers they began to assess What had happened. . . ? Well they did a heart catherization. . . .damage to the heart, , ,one blocked place. . .plus some colateral damage to a kidney from the dyes, etc. Decision to treat this pharmceutically. . . seems to be the vehicle of most good, less damage and trauma. . . .etc.
I am "house bound" with in-house nursing care, and varied and assorted spoiling and pampering. . . .thinking of you all. . . with great affection AND LOVE !!!
Justin of the Dunes
But, as the old Yanks have a wont to say things: "I've had the rug pulled from under me". . . Yepper. Whoooooosssshhhhh! G O N E !
Since mid-May and Finals. . .which we all passed with Flying Colors!!! ho ho ho. . . .but I was pushing with all my might. . . to keep my head "out of water". from "going under".
Somewhere between mid-May to mid-July they tell me I have suffered a SILENT HEART ATTACK. . . .and I never knew. . .why? when? how come? ETC. By mid-July I was suffering mightily with retaining fluids, swollen legs from water retention, etc. . . .Imagine! Me???? What the hell is going on.
Congestive heart failure was what was going on. . . .I finally found out when I awoke one morning around 4 am with difficulty breathing. Of course I was alone. . . . Peter was working that night. I sat and argued withmyself "Shoild I dial 911?"
Finally the good and prudent and wise part left of me dialed the 911 and the Gent who answered at 4:30. . . "Hold on, bro. . .we'll be right there. " And almost before I knew it, THEY were there. . .those wonderfully trained volu. .nteers had me on oxygen, with an IV drip, and EKG going on. . .and off we raced in The Dawn to the ER. . . .and those wonderful people too knew what to do and soon had me "doing the regular routine" with EKGs, videos, etc. etc. . .and just lay there in total awe ...... this was happening to me!!!
No angels were visible, no harps or bells. . .just quiet gentle peace and the real sense of love. . .being loved was surrounding me . . . .the healing was beginning!
HALLELUIAH!!!
Stabilzed in numbers they began to assess What had happened. . . ? Well they did a heart catherization. . . .damage to the heart, , ,one blocked place. . .plus some colateral damage to a kidney from the dyes, etc. Decision to treat this pharmceutically. . . seems to be the vehicle of most good, less damage and trauma. . . .etc.
I am "house bound" with in-house nursing care, and varied and assorted spoiling and pampering. . . .thinking of you all. . . with great affection AND LOVE !!!
Justin of the Dunes
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Richard sent this good article. . . Your choice: "Politically correct" or LOVE. . .
It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my identity. It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my sexuality. It just mattered if it brought me love.
I’ve always prided myself on being open. I’ll try any new therapy or modality or New Age idea—and, believe me, I’ve tried them all. I’ve done the self-work. I’ve “found myself.” I’ve even practiced my affirmations. I knew who I was, without a doubt.
That’s why I found myself in unfamiliar territory when I—the open guy, the “figured out” guy, the unquestionably straight guy—realized that I was in love with my best friend, a man. A man I had known for seven years. A man I had never before even thought of in a romantic way. But, there I was, in love.
Only it didn’t start out as love. See, two summers ago, I came down with a mysterious illness. Not the common cold kind. Not even the achy back kind. This was the kind where you vomit massive amounts of blood throughout the day. The kind where doctors pass you from specialist to specialist. The kind where you’re bent over in pain with tears in your eyes.
And my roommate, Garrett, one of my best friends at the time, took pity on me. He took care of me. He picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy. He cooked me dinner. He stayed in on Friday nights to watch movies. He’d even rub my back when I was in pain.
Each day, I waited anxiously until he came home from work. My face lit up when he surprised me with my favorite dinner. I replayed conversations we had when I was alone.
I missed him when he was gone. Two months into this routine, I had a thought—a tiny, little thought—that I loved him. It seemed preposterous. It seemed laughable. I shooed it away immediately. But that thought started creeping into my mind whenever he was away. That thought sneaked in whenever he did something nice or made me laugh.
And it all came down to this moment—one moment when he was cooking me dinner, and he looked over and smiled at me. I knew this was it. This was the moment where I had to decide if I could allow myself to love a man against everything I had previously known about myself. This was the moment when I had to decide if I was going to take a step forward into this crazy idea of telling my best friend that I loved him.
There’s a certain freedom in a life-threatening sickness. There’s a certain liberation in staring down death in the face. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you unafraid to tear down the only identity you’ve ever known for a gamble. It makes you walk right up to your best friend and tell him that you love him.
So I approached him cautiously. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I opened my mouth and no words came out. Again, I tried, and all I could say was, “Garrett, I have something to tell you.”
He looked at me earnestly. “Garrett, I think I’m in love with you.”
His expression changed to that of confusion.
“Well, you’ve been so great and taken care of me, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. But, if I’ve ever felt love, this is it. And, well—I think I’m in love with you.”
He stopped and thought for a moment. It was a long moment. Then he opened his mouth again and asked, “Do you miss me when I’m away?”
I nodded my head slowly—uneasily.
“Do you get excited to see me?” I nodded again, this time with a hint of uncertainty.
He looked back timidly. “Well, then I think I might love you too.” We had no idea how to make this work. We had no idea if this even could work. Sometimes we still don’t. It took time—years even—to figure it out. But it’s a relationship. None of us know what we’re doing. We just try and negotiate and compromise. And, little by little, you become just another boring couple.
So, yes, I’m an otherwise straight man in love with a man. But I would never reduce Garrett down to just being a man. Because he’s more than that. He’s a pharmacist and a good cook and a great cards player. And I love him for all of those reasons and so many more. I love him for who he is, not what he is. We’re more than our gender. We’re more than one attribute. And sometimes we need to remember that.
We have this myth of identity—that who we are is the summation of a lot of choices we made in the past. That we’ve got a map for the life we’re supposed to lead, and we’ve got to stick to it. But that’s assuming that we’re all static beings, and that’s not how people work at all.
In every moment, we’re changing and evolving and growing. In every moment, we’re reconstructing our identity. We’re not defined by our decisions from two years ago. We’re not even defined by our decisions from two minutes ago. We’re defined by who we choose to be in this very moment.
We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our passions will change. And we have to be brave enough to choose the thing that makes up happiest in each individual moment.
When I chose to tell Garrett that I loved him, it didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my identity. It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my sexuality. It just mattered if it brought me love. In truth, that’s all that ever really matters.
We’re only here for a very short time. In every moment, we only have one real choice: Will it bring me closer to or further away from love?
So, tell me—will you choose love?
I’ve always prided myself on being open. I’ll try any new therapy or modality or New Age idea—and, believe me, I’ve tried them all. I’ve done the self-work. I’ve “found myself.” I’ve even practiced my affirmations. I knew who I was, without a doubt.
That’s why I found myself in unfamiliar territory when I—the open guy, the “figured out” guy, the unquestionably straight guy—realized that I was in love with my best friend, a man. A man I had known for seven years. A man I had never before even thought of in a romantic way. But, there I was, in love.
Only it didn’t start out as love. See, two summers ago, I came down with a mysterious illness. Not the common cold kind. Not even the achy back kind. This was the kind where you vomit massive amounts of blood throughout the day. The kind where doctors pass you from specialist to specialist. The kind where you’re bent over in pain with tears in your eyes.
And my roommate, Garrett, one of my best friends at the time, took pity on me. He took care of me. He picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy. He cooked me dinner. He stayed in on Friday nights to watch movies. He’d even rub my back when I was in pain.
Each day, I waited anxiously until he came home from work. My face lit up when he surprised me with my favorite dinner. I replayed conversations we had when I was alone.
I missed him when he was gone. Two months into this routine, I had a thought—a tiny, little thought—that I loved him. It seemed preposterous. It seemed laughable. I shooed it away immediately. But that thought started creeping into my mind whenever he was away. That thought sneaked in whenever he did something nice or made me laugh.
And it all came down to this moment—one moment when he was cooking me dinner, and he looked over and smiled at me. I knew this was it. This was the moment where I had to decide if I could allow myself to love a man against everything I had previously known about myself. This was the moment when I had to decide if I was going to take a step forward into this crazy idea of telling my best friend that I loved him.
There’s a certain freedom in a life-threatening sickness. There’s a certain liberation in staring down death in the face. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you unafraid to tear down the only identity you’ve ever known for a gamble. It makes you walk right up to your best friend and tell him that you love him.
So I approached him cautiously. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I opened my mouth and no words came out. Again, I tried, and all I could say was, “Garrett, I have something to tell you.”
He looked at me earnestly. “Garrett, I think I’m in love with you.”
His expression changed to that of confusion.
“Well, you’ve been so great and taken care of me, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. But, if I’ve ever felt love, this is it. And, well—I think I’m in love with you.”
He stopped and thought for a moment. It was a long moment. Then he opened his mouth again and asked, “Do you miss me when I’m away?”
I nodded my head slowly—uneasily.
“Do you get excited to see me?” I nodded again, this time with a hint of uncertainty.
He looked back timidly. “Well, then I think I might love you too.” We had no idea how to make this work. We had no idea if this even could work. Sometimes we still don’t. It took time—years even—to figure it out. But it’s a relationship. None of us know what we’re doing. We just try and negotiate and compromise. And, little by little, you become just another boring couple.
So, yes, I’m an otherwise straight man in love with a man. But I would never reduce Garrett down to just being a man. Because he’s more than that. He’s a pharmacist and a good cook and a great cards player. And I love him for all of those reasons and so many more. I love him for who he is, not what he is. We’re more than our gender. We’re more than one attribute. And sometimes we need to remember that.
We have this myth of identity—that who we are is the summation of a lot of choices we made in the past. That we’ve got a map for the life we’re supposed to lead, and we’ve got to stick to it. But that’s assuming that we’re all static beings, and that’s not how people work at all.
In every moment, we’re changing and evolving and growing. In every moment, we’re reconstructing our identity. We’re not defined by our decisions from two years ago. We’re not even defined by our decisions from two minutes ago. We’re defined by who we choose to be in this very moment.
We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our passions will change. And we have to be brave enough to choose the thing that makes up happiest in each individual moment.
When I chose to tell Garrett that I loved him, it didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my identity. It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my sexuality. It just mattered if it brought me love. In truth, that’s all that ever really matters.
We’re only here for a very short time. In every moment, we only have one real choice: Will it bring me closer to or further away from love?
So, tell me—will you choose love?
Monday, August 18, 2014
 | LIVESThe Boy of SummerBY JOHN WILLOUGHBY
I was 13 when a new friend joined me in the cornfield and in my home — and opened a door I hadn’t known was closed.
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the new york times
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Jesuit Fr James Martin says those who COMEOUT deserve Catholic Support
A couple articles on the matter. . . .
http://newwaysministryblog.
http://newwaysministryblog.
= = = = = = = = =
Article re Nazi- martyred Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Fr Martin is becoming increasingly outspoken on GLBTetc issues. . . so far no "official clap-trap" .
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Dear Friends and Neighbors - Fellow Dunesters, Wandering Wondering Minstrels and Assorted Street Persons - to All the Wonder-filled People I have met here on The Dunes, in your public and private posts and communiques. . . . HELLO.!
Peace and All Good Things. ;-) [Sorta sounds like that Fellow in Rome. . .well, just a little bit, in my imagination, and so forth. . .that Gentle Man whom I admire so much, and love the more I read him and observe his actions. . . .]
Let me try to explain my absence. . . a least a little bit. . .anyway. . .I reached a point at the end of the scholastic year at University where I felt like I "had had it Up The Whazooooo" and needed to back away from a lot of extraneous activities
so I could be able to sanely complete the year, get all the paper-work and forms filled out, etc, so that I would be able to say to myself "There. . .I've done my work, I've served my commitments as best I can now. . . Now I need to take some real quality time for me. . . I need to get back 'on track' with real time to "think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings".
I remember a Latin teacher in high school who'd drop little sayings, odds and ends. . . One of them was : No one gives what he does not have. . . Nemo dat quod non habet. . That is how I was beginning to feel. . . .so state it simply. I needed to "get away" and so I did. I decided to get away from the classrooms and lecture halls, the private counselling office. Before my work at University was done I had nailed down a job for the summer: I went back to construction work. . .one of my early loves. . . .particularly in the area of hanging dry-wall. . . taping and finishing corners. . . clean open places where I could not "hide". In my earlier years I had become rather good at it and, better still, I liked what I was doing. . . I could get absorbed in my work and just let go of so many other things from my every-day life which had become so consumming. So, every morning early I went "out to play". . . .and got paid for it. I was on "summer break" and found myself loving this more and more each day. . . .and how shall I say this?. . . .I found myself "getting cleaner and cleaner" each day. . .more in touch with "the real". . . my real.
I didn't become a hermit or retreat into "the anti-social". . ..au contraire. . . the more I came into touch with me. . . .with Justin as he is and wants and hopes to be. . . .the more I was in contact on a deep-down gutsy level with the people with whom I lived and worked and played. . . the important people in my life and those new people becoming more important in my life.
In a lot of ways I am surprised how quickly the summer has gone by. . . .sorta like the White Sharks. . .they moved in, attracted, entertained, frightened, confronted. . . . .and moved on. . . .that's kinda how my summer has been. It won't be long before I shall be heading back to campus. . .beginning "a new year" and a new phase of life and love. . . .more and more open to the awesome adventure life is. has been and will continue to be. . . .always trying to touch it and let life touch me, as "IT" unfolds. . . .
With this brief attempt at sharing Justin Dunes will be up and running and open for business and busyness with and for whomever wants to drop by and say HI. . and "here's what's up and running. . ." and see what it takes us.
Thanks for the many ways in which and how and that you care. . . .this is a precious special part of my life. . .our life. . .and I am grateful.
. . . . .with much love and sincere affection. . . .yepper. . . .;-)). . JUSTIN
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
TIPS FOR COUPLES
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Posted: 08 Jul 2014 05:25 AM PDT
 As gay men, you've struggled through and endured all the challenges inherent in finding true love with another man in this homophobic society, but you did it! You found your Mr. Right! So now what?!
Not only did we as gay men not receive any education or guidance in how to date another man,but we certainly didn't get the training manual on how to sustain a healthy, intimate partnership with him once we found our ideal guy and decided to form a commitment with him.
Gay partnerships can be very rewarding and fulfilling, but they require conscious effort and attentiveness to foster their successful growth and intimacy. What follows is a short tips list that gay couples can use as a quick-reference guide for keeping their relationships on track. Keep these bullet points in mind and you'll have a solid foundation in place to make your relationship solid gold!
Relationship Success Tips
1. Avoid placing all your emotional needs on your partner. Develop your own individual identity and through those experiences, your relationship will be enriched as you keep breathing new life into it.
2. Even if you’ve been together a long time, never expect your partner to know what your needs are. Mind-reading and making assumptions only leads to misunderstandings and potential conflicts. Learn to be assertive and ask directly for what you want.
3. Periodically have a “check-in” with your partner to reexamine how the relationship is going and how satisfied you and your partner are. This keeps the channels of communication open and can help renew the relationship, reinforcing the positives and uncovering areas in need of attention before things get too misguided.
4. Characteristic of relationship development, most couples have a diminishment of that honeymoon phase “high” that’s experienced in the beginning of a relationship when they first started dating. This is normal and not a reason to be concerned that there is something necessarily wrong. When this occurs, strive to bring more creativity and vitality into your relationship and sex life to spice things up. Surprise your partner. Be spontaneous and playful. Make him see how special and important he is to you.
5. Examine your satisfaction with the roles you play in your relationship. A real advantage of gay relationships is the ability to be flexible with life roles and not to have to ascribe to traditional sex role stereotypes commonly held in heterosexual relationships. Negotiate such roles and tasks openly and freely with your partner, acknowledging areas of strength and talent in this decision-making.
6. Avoid letting disagreements turn into ugly verbal battles where things could be said that are later regretted. Learn basic anger management principles and know when to call a “Time-Out” to defuse unproductive anger. Also learn how to re-engage following the cool-down period so issues can be resolved peacefully.
7. Protect your relationship legally by seeking assistance from an attorney to obtain the necessary legal documents befitting your particular relationship situation, including such things as power of attorney, wills, beneficiary designations, etc. Planning ahead with such things can insure that you’re each taken care of in the event that something was to jeopardize your union.
8. Don't let the busyness of life take away from your relationship. Find a balance between work, alone time, friends, family, and time spent as a couple. Make “Date Night” a regular part of your lifestyle where you avoid discussing your problems or issues and just enjoy spending that quality time together. Never take each other for granted and remember that you’re a team.
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com
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Sunday, June 22, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE
Posted: 18 Jun 2014 05:25 AM PDT
"Systemic challenges due pose potential barriers to your dating life, they only have to have power if you allow them to do so. We are not victims; growing up gay requires significant courage, perseverance, and resilience. To survive and prosper through this means we can handle anything."
Step one requires taking back personal control and refusing to allow these dating challenges and disappointments to have emotional power over you.
* Start keeping a journal and write about your dating efforts and lessons learned to watch your evolution in progress. Make a list of all the reasons why you’re a “good catch” and why it’s important to keep your head held high when things aren’t going so well. Write about the benefits of being single and what this affords you. Refer to this when you get into “funks” as a way to keep yourself motivated and centered on the positive. When you hear a quote or motivational saying that resonates with you, add this to your journal for additional affirmation and incentive.
* Start keeping a journal and write about your dating efforts and lessons learned to watch your evolution in progress. Make a list of all the reasons why you’re a “good catch” and why it’s important to keep your head held high when things aren’t going so well. Write about the benefits of being single and what this affords you. Refer to this when you get into “funks” as a way to keep yourself motivated and centered on the positive. When you hear a quote or motivational saying that resonates with you, add this to your journal for additional affirmation and incentive.
* Since we are only in control of ourselves and cannot change other people, avoid blaming “the system” or other gay men for the current state-of-affairs as they are.It’s much more productive to focus more on yourself and dig deep to identify any potential areas where you might be contributing to difficulties. For some ideas on where to get started with this, check out my article on “Am I Mr. Right?” and break out your journal and start writing and tackling those issues that will improve your quality-of-life.
* A recent survey I took indicated that the vast majority of gay men do not initiate conversations with gay men they find attractive, preferring instead to take the passive stance of waiting for others to approach them. Huge mistake! Imagine how many relationships could have started had these men made the first move. Make it a habit every time you go out to initiate conversations with at least one person. If this is a scary thought, take a class in public speaking or join your local Toast Masters club for practice. This very important social skill could really give your dating life that extra boost!
* Be visible in as many different venues as you can. Live your life to the max and join as many social groups, classes, volunteer activities, and events that cater to your hobbies that will get you into the mix with other gay men. If you happen to meet someone special there…bonus! Go into these situations with no expectation of outcome (and that won’t be difficult because you’re in a venue doing something you love to do!).
* If you have a personals ad, make sure you have a captivating headline that draws attention and make sure your personal requirements for a partner and relationship are sprinkled throughout the content to screen appropriate candidates better. Heck, could even start your own gay singles support group or recreation club in your own community. All it takes is some creativity and imagination!
* Alone we can’t change unhealthy scripts in the gay community, but one person at a time and banding together can create a shift in eradicating stereotypes, objectification, and creating value in relationships and intimacy. Is there anything that you’re willing to do to make that impact?
Conclusion
Being single has its pros and cons just like anything else. The trick is to make the most of this time of your life and to view it as an opportunity rather than a liability and explore different ways you can bring more meaning and purpose to your life rather than defining success around having a boyfriend.
When that time comes, it will make the experience that much more rewarding and fulfilling.It absolutely can make you go stark-raving-mad when that guy doesn’t call you back when he says he will or if it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever meet a guy who wants more than just sex. The point is to acknowledge these feelings, but then redirect yourself and re-frame this by recognizing the disguised blessing in these happenings–this void may actually be preparing you for when the right time does come and has just freed you from missing out on such a potential opportunity.
By taking control of your dating life and living a rich and enjoyable lifestyle, you’ll have the power to cope with dating woes and view them from a more positive perspective.
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com
Friday, June 20, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
THEY JUST WANDERED IN. . .. .
. . ..AND SAID "WE'RE STAYING. . " AND. . .STAY THEY DID.
HUAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
HUAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
The Truth About Eating Before Bed
June 17, 2014
MUST SEE NUTRITION VIDEOS
Leslie Bonci on Nutrition Mistakes
J.J. Watt Talks Practicing Hard and Eating Right at Super Bowl XLVII
Wheaties Presents: Nutrition for Performance
"Eating before bed makes you gain fat." Sigh. Eating right before bed does notmake you gain fat. It's actually quite the opposite. Eating before bed will not only help you build muscle, it will also improve recovery between training sessions, games and practices.
Just be sure to follow these simple rules when you eat before bed.
RELATED: Athletes: Focus On These Five Things
Rule 1: Choose Slow-Digesting Protein
This can come from cottage cheese, chicken breast, lean turkey breast or casein supplements. Each of these protein sources contains protein that digests slowly and feeds the muscles throughout the night. They are also high in leucine, the amino acid responsible for stimulating the protein mTOR, which activates muscle protein synthesis. Consume 14-30 grams of slow-digesting protein 30 minutes before bed. Stay away from red meat, whey concentrate and isolate proteins, since these digest more quickly, leaving you without critical nutrients.
Rule 2: Choose Carbohydrates Wisely
Carbohydrates don't deserve their bad rap. The body needs them to replenish glycogen stores post-workout and to limit the rate of muscle protein breakdown. Having carbohydrates at night can diminish the rate at which muscle protein breakdown occurs while you sleep.
The key is to stick with high-fiber vegetables and fruits that are low in sugar and won't elicit too large of an insulin response, especially if your goals are to lose fat and build muscle. Cherries and berries are good selections, because they are low on the glycemic index. Each is high in vitamins C and E, which play important roles in controlling inflammation and soreness.
Stay away from starches high in sugar like candy, chips and bread. These foods generate a large insulin response, which aids in storing fat, and sugar can interfere with the sleep cycle. Consume under 20 grams of carbohydrates 30 to 60 minutes before bed.
RELATED: Non-Boring Sweet Potato Recipes
Rule 3: Eat a Small Amount of Fat
Healthy fats from sources like oils and nuts are a great addition to your bedtime protein snack. Fats are resistant to water and, when ingested, slow the emptying of food in your stomach through the release of the hormone cholecystokinin. Therefore, the ingestion of fat helps those slow-digesting proteins feed your muscles even longer through the night. Almonds, nut butters and fish oil are great choices.
Examples of Easy Bedtime Meals
- 1 cup 2% low-fat cottage cheese
- 2-4 oz. chicken breast with 1 cup red peppers and 1/2 cup bing cherries
- 2-4 oz. turkey with 1 cup almonds and 1 cup broccoli
- Protein shake with 1 scoop of a low-carb protein blend, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, and 1 tbsp. of almond or peanut butter
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
"A LOST POST" ?????
I do not know if this post from Gary ever got posted.
I just ran onto it now; I do not recall reading this before. Gary, you stir up memories, good ones, that are still special, precious even. . . good to recall. Thanks.
Sorry for missing this earlier.
~~ JustinO
Gary Kelly has left a new comment on your post ""Doncha know this. . . ?"":
Remember our prepubescence when sharing a bed with our best mate during a sleepover, as well as his company generally, was an innocent pleasure completely devoid of complication?
Remember when the two of us went everywhere together, shared recess at school together, visited each others houses at every opportunity, and were seen as a pair far more often than alone?
Little did we realize then that we were sharing one of life's truly great gifts.
I just ran onto it now; I do not recall reading this before. Gary, you stir up memories, good ones, that are still special, precious even. . . good to recall. Thanks.
Sorry for missing this earlier.
~~ JustinO
Gary Kelly has left a new comment on your post ""Doncha know this. . . ?"":
Remember our prepubescence when sharing a bed with our best mate during a sleepover, as well as his company generally, was an innocent pleasure completely devoid of complication?
Remember when the two of us went everywhere together, shared recess at school together, visited each others houses at every opportunity, and were seen as a pair far more often than alone?
Little did we realize then that we were sharing one of life's truly great gifts.
SPECIAL TIOUCH
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Posted: 11 Jun 2014 05:25 AM PDT
 Developing skill with touch is an important part of having successful relationships. Touch is critical to human beings.The love and support communicated through touch affirms our connection to others and has even been shown to contribute to the health of our immune systems. Many studies have shown that when infants are neglected and not held, they fail to thrive. Something similar seems true for us adults.
Too many men have limited skill when it comes to touch.Their experience with the way men make contact is limited -- a slap on the back from Dad, wrestling with friends growing up, the touch of a boyfriend during sex. For others, touch has too often been abusive -- being smacked around by schoolmates or parents, or uninvited and unwanted sexual touch.
Maybe you’ve found yourself in a bar talking with a friend, only to find someone rubbing up against you. This can be fun and a turn-on or annoying and intrusive, depending on your frame of mind and how you feel about the person initiating the physical contact.
Unfortunately, some men have the opinion that if you’re a gay man and I’m a gay man, then I automatically have the right to touch or grope you if I want to. And even more unfortunately, others of us have never learned that we have the right to say “no” to unwelcome touch.
Have you ever gone to a movie with a date and found him stroking your arm over and over and over again in exactly the same way -- almost as if he was a robot? You suspected that he meant to be affectionate, but pretty soon you were ready to run screaming from your seat! Touch that doesn’t have presence and attention behind it can create the same sensation as fingernails raking down a black board.
Physical contact that works and is welcome can have just the opposite effect -- calming us, drawing us closer to the person with whom we are sharing touch.
To increase the quality of your touch, think of your hands as an extension of your heart. Instead of casually brushing your hand over someone, bring focus to your touching; you are touching them with your heart. Imagine that this is the only person in the world who exists right now. He has your undivided attention while you are in contact with him. Take your time
.
Not all touch is sexual. If touch equals sex for you, you may need to slow down and explore a bit. Friendly, inviting contact between people can be reassuring, comforting and enjoyable in its own right and need not be an invitation to sex. Some people are uncomfortable with touch when they assume that the person initiating contact has an unspoken erotic agenda.
Touch which is repetitive or constant becomes boring and easy to ignore. Vary the intensity and pressure of your touch. This is true whether you are touching a friend to make a point during conversation or whether you are caressing your partner to bring him to orgasm. Touch can be with finger tips or the whole palm. It can be quick and invigorating -- think of a back rub -- or slow and soft
.
Learning new ways to make physical contact increases our “touch vocabulary,” and helps us communicate with others.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly toGAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
~~~ thanks Michael@gaytwogether.com
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