FLIRTING. . . . .Part Two

Gay Relationships: Start Flirting Like a Superstar (And Have Guys Begging for Your Phone Number) - Part Two

Posted: 31 Dec 2013 05:25 AM PST

[ continued from yesterday ]

Profile Of A Masterful Flirt:

Remember that flirting is a skill that can be learned.

The following are characteristics of an individual who is a master at flirting that can enhance one’s success in causing men you’re interested in meeting to be more responsive to your advances. A great flirt is someone who:

· has a solid self-esteem and exudes confidence and appears self-assured and relaxed

· has a good sense of humor, is down-to-earth, and is able to laugh

· has good communication and social skills, including being a great listener and having the ability to be flexible and weave in and out of a variety of social situations with relative ease

· is good at reading social cues and body language to know when someone is interested or not

· is assertive, has good boundaries, and is able to cope with rejection without personalizing it and letting it get him down

· is honest, authentic, doesn’t try to impress by being a show-off, and shows interest in the other person by asking him questions rather than monopolizing the “floor time” by solely talking about himself

Shyness, insecurity, anxiety, internalized homophobia, and weak communication skills are just a few factors that can tend to block one’s comfort level and impede the ability to flirt with savvy.

How Do I Know If He Likes Me?:

Unless the guy you’re flirting with blatantly tells you to “buzz off” or directly verbalizes a desire to keep the conversation going, you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled for the signals he communicates in his body language.

Things to look for might include:

·Eye contact: Does he look you in the eyes with warmth and coyly raise his eyebrows or does he look away and shift his eyes about? He could be interested but is just shy or nervous; on the other hand, he could also be looking for an escape hatch, so assess carefully.

·Facial expressions: Is he animated? Smile back at you? Laugh?

Posturing: Does he lean forward toward you with an open stance or appear stiff with arms crossed and back away from you slightly? How does he position himself spatially with you? Does he mirror your body language? Does he touch you occasionally, especially during a laugh? Give you compliments? Reciprocate dialogue? These are all good signs that he’s interested. Just be aware that there are cultural differences with body language that can mean different things depending on the guy you’re talking with. Too much touch could also convey sexual aggressiveness and poor boundaries, so be cautious and limited with this.

The Infamous Pick-Up Line:

“Like, hey dude. What’s your sign?” “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look so familiar!” Barf! Keep these lame, outdated pick-up lines out of your dating toolbag, and get creative! A lot of stock tends to be given to the “opening line” on the singles’ scene, but your introduction statement to someone isn’t as important as the ability to maintain the conversation.

That’s not to say that it can’t make an impact, however. Sometimes a great lead-in comment can break through someone’s barriers about whom he identifies as his “type” and can make him take notice when he ordinarily may not have. Witty and creative opening lines can be real attention-grabbers and can heighten someone’s interest.

For example, many years ago I was at a bar with some friends a few days after Christmas and a man grabbed me as I was walking by, pulled me onto his lap, and said, “Hi, I’m Santa, and I’m going to give you what you didn’t get for Christmas this year.” Granted, that was a cruising pick-up line, but sexual innuendo aside, it was a funny and creative opening statement that has stuck in my mind all these years and still makes me smile in amusement.

So make your opening line unique and tie it in to the environment or setting that you’re in. Offer a genuine compliment or comment on a compatible interest you may share. The key is to be yourself and be respectful. If this doesn’t suit your personality, then nothing beats the old stand-by…”Hi, my name is Brian. What’s yours?” with a warm smile and extended handshake

.

Action Challenges & Conclusion:

In conclusion, the essence of effective flirting comes from having positive self-esteem and sophisticated social/communication skills. Make a realistic appraisal of your flirting potential and use the Profile of a Masterful Flirt above to assess your own strengths and weaknesses. Read plenty of books on social psychology, mingling, body language, and communication to educate yourself further on how to become more socially graceful.

Learn about relaxation techniques to help calm anxiety you may have and practice cognitive restructuring methods for combating negative self-talk that interferes with your confidence and ability to take risks. Take some classes on assertiveness training, join a public speaking group to practice communication skills, and enlist the help of some friends to do some role-plays to further hone your flirting skills.

Again, be yourself, have fun with flirting, and be proactive with your desires. Take the initiative and approach that guy.

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

THANKS to DR BRIAN and to MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

FLIRTING . . . . .Part One

Gay Relationships: Start Flirting Like a Superstar (And Have Guys Begging for Your Phone Number) - Part One

Posted: 30 Dec 2013 05:25 AM PST

You look across the crowded bar to the target of your interest on the other side of the room. He’s dashingly handsome in a leather jacket, leaning up against the wall watching the videos on the TV screen as he sips at his beer. He senses your presence and shifts his eyes in your direction to meet your gaze. He holds the eye contact briefly before looking away. Moments later, he looks back and connects with your eyes again, this time holding the gaze a little bit longer.

You slightly raise your eyebrows and shoot him a quick smile. Your heart pounds with anticipation as he nods his head once and cracks a return smile. Green light—he’s interested! You take a deep breath as you plunge into the crowd, making your way toward the hottie across the room to make your introduction.

Flirting is an art form in which you use both verbal and nonverbal communication to express your interest in someone. My confession is that during my single days, I was horrible at it! My best friend and I would parade all over the gay district in Chicago and he always seemed to be able to charm everyone we encountered while I didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing.

How does a man with flirt with another man?

"I'lI either be too self-conscious to risk approaching someone or I wouldn’t know how to respond to the other guys’ advances, sabotaging the moment by being too nervous, looking away, or just not even recognizing the signs of being “hit on.” I chock a lot of that up to being a function of having just “come out”, not being fully secure with myself yet, and still trying to learn the ropes of gay dating. But one thing became very clear and that was that flirting is a skill. Some people are more adept at it with their extroverted personalities and creativity, while others have to work at it more and cultivate it to their own personal style.

Anyone can learn how to flirt. The key to effective flirting is to be yourself and not be something you’re not as a way to impress someone. That’s a form of deception and you can come across as phony or contrived. If used the right way, flirting can open doors to getting to know lots of new people and can be a great way to start conversations with men you might be interested in.

This article explores the world of flirtingnd a offers tips on how to integrate this skill into your dating quests so that you’ll pique the curiosities of possible love interests who will then want to get to know you better—and perhaps compel them to give you their phone numbers!

Flirting Is Not Cruising:

Before going any further, a distinction needs to be made between flirting and cruising. Cruising is a behavior in which one’s main purpose in “cozying up” to someone is to have sex with him. Here, we are discussing flirting, which is a behavior or an ice-breaker toward meeting and getting to know someone for possible dating and companionship. Both are very different and easily confused.

As gay men in particular, our gay culture tends to be very sexualized and you must be mindful of the difference between flirting and cruising as you mingle with other men so you don’t send the wrong signals and sabotage your efforts. One client of mine once said, “There are so many game-players out there that whenever I’m approached by a guy who shows interest in me, I’m immediately suspicious that all he’s after is sex and to get down my pants; especially if I’m in a bar setting.” So be cognizant of your approach to ensure you’re projecting the right message and image you want to convey.

[ Continued Tomorrow ] 

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

THANK you, BRIAN, and MICHAEL@gaytwogether,com

SUPER GAY COUPLES. . . . .Part Two

Gay Relationships: Top 10 Qualities of Gay Super Couples - Part Two

{ Continued . . . . }

What makes a healthy and lasting long-term gay relationship successful:

6. They enjoy a sensual and sexual camaraderie that helps them to meet their erotic potential.

The happiest couples tend to report enjoying nonsexual affection in their daily lives through spontaneous touch, verbal strokes, holding hands, cuddling, and massage. They also understand the importance of maintaining a passionate sexual connection through regular pleasuring sessions and keeping their erotic lives energetic and enjoyable. Even for those couples in "open relationships", the sexual relationship with their partner remains an important component of intimacy for them and they find ways to meet each other's needs, even when one isn't necessarily in the mood.

7. They have a supportive network of family and friends who honor their relationship.

Having the backing and encouragement of loved ones can be a great impetus for reinforcing a gay couple's commitment. Surrounding themselves with positive and affirming people can be a great boost.

8. They are comfortable with their sexuality and not afraid to show it.

Sexual identity struggles and internalized homophobia can really drag a relationship down unless both men tend to be in the same boat with their levels of outness. Confident and successful gay couples are comfortable being in relationship with each other no matter the setting or public domain. Whether it's trying out a mattress at the local bedding store or attending a social function in a mixed-orientation crowd, these couples feel secure enough in their identities and relationship to combat any potential homophobia they may face by proudly being themselves. Being able to be free and uninhibited is a truly liberating feeling for a gay couple.

9. They possess the following in their partnership: trust, commitment, honesty, openness, flexibility, loyalty, dedication and devotion, quality time, sensitivity, nonjudgmental attitudes, loving and unafraid to express their feelings and passionate side, etc.

These are obvious hallmark characteristics that typify a healthy relationship, but gay men in particular are vulnerable to power struggles, competition, and issues surrounding intimacy and closeness due to male socialization in their man-to-man relationships. Successful couples are aware of these pitfalls and work hard to embrace a holistic masculinity that counters the stereotypes they've been engrained with.

10. They place a high premium on their lives together and are focused on not taking each other for granted.

Successful gay couples realize that the busyness of life can very easily put their relationship on the back shelf, but they don't let it! They ensure that they devote quality time together, schedule special "date nights" with each other, and are attentive to each other's needs. They make sure they are diligently working toward their shared relationship vision, validate their partner in the ways he likes it most, and make sure to show through words and actions how much they appreciate their guy being in their lives.

Conclusion

So how did you and your partner do? These are only some of the qualities that comprise a healthy gay relationship and it's up to you and your man to define the parameters of what that would look and feel like for your unique relationship.

Use these tips as a springboard to discuss how things are going in your relationship to gauge your strengths and areas for growth and craft an action plan to make things even better between the two of you.

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

GAY SUPER COUPLES . . . ..Part One

Gay Relationships: Top 10 Qualities of Gay Super Couples - Part One

So what makes a healthy and lasting long-term gay relationship successful? Our society certainly doesn't make it easy for us as gay men to date and mate with all the homophobia and discrimination that exists. Though this is slowly starting to change in many parts of the world, man-to-man love continues to be stigmatized and this backdrop of cultural oppression and hatred can put a strain on a gay couple's budding relationship that many heterosexual pairs may take for granted.

As a gay community, we lack adequate and visible positive role models of gay couples that provide hope for lasting relationship success. As men, we've been conditioned to define our masculinity in rigid and narrow ways as part of the socialization process growing up and this can create conflict when pairing up two individuals of the same gender looking for intimacy and emotional connection.

 And then we have our own layers of discrimination and pressure in our own gay community that at times can leave gay couples feeling unsupported and uninspired to achieve relationship longevity in the one place they thought they'd be safe-among their own.

While the odds do seem to be stacked against us in the fight for the dream of claiming our rightful husband with the accompanying house, white picket fence, and prideful rainbow flag securely attached to the front porch, they don't have to be obstacles to our success.  Having to face so much adversity has actually enabled many of us to be quite resilient in the face of stress and makes us good candidates for partnerships with the right focus and determination.

There are many gay men in long-term relationships who can vouch for their fulfillment of this dream and speak of happiness and bliss in their coupled status. But what are the ingredients that make a healthy gay relationship?

Characteristics of Successful Gay Couples

There is no specific blueprint or formula for how to maintain a lasting and successful relationship. One of the beauties of being gay is that we can create our own definitions of what constitutes an ideal relationship for ourselves as we are not hampered down by restrictive gender roles and norms like our heterosexual counterparts.

Each couple develops their own unique partnership that works for them. That being said, there are some universal qualities that can promote a more solid and functional relationship over the long haul for partners seeking long-term connection and happiness.

Successful gay couples can exhibit some of the following...

1. They share compatible interests and philosophies of life.

It's important that partners have similar interests and hobbies to share in common to build experiences with together, but it's also essential to have some differences as well to complement each other. This helps to keep the mystery and intrigue alive in the relationship that exists with contrast. Who wants to have an exact replica of themselves that they interact with on a daily basis?!

Boring! What is absolutely critical, however, is that both partners will have a smoother and more fulfilling relationship if they share comparable value systems. This forms the foundation of what the couple believes in and is the diving board from which they co-create a vision for their future together as a united front and alliance for life.

2. They openly communicate with each other and stay engaged in each other's lives.

This involves direct and honest dialogue about the mundane aspects of life to the serious thoughts and feelings that get triggered as a part of relationship dynamics. The partners create a climate in their home where each feels safe and comfortable sharing vulnerable aspects of themselves with each other and are attuned to each other's needs. Listening skills are primed and each feels like an active participant in the relationship. Issues are not swept under the rug and are dealt with immediately in an assertive and caring way.

3. They manage conflict productively.

Healthy gay couples recognize that conflict is an inevitable and normal part of a relationship, seeing these "rough spots" as opportunities for growth and positive change in their partnership. They deal with their anger in constructive ways, ahurtful comments and assigning of blame, and take the time to understand andvoid  validate each other's points of views before initiating collaborative problem-solving to try and reach a win/win solution. They are open to compromise and sacrifice and always keep a teamwork stance in negotiating their differences.

4. They have a balanced lifestyle comprised of both individual and couple identities.

In relationships it's important to have time devoted to nourishing the relationship and also to focus on individual interests and pursuits. Too much "couple identity" causes both partners to feel suffocated. Too much "individual identity" creates a feeling of being disconnected and living as roommates. Striking a positive balance of both brings in just enough freshness and vitality to the relationship where boundaries are strong and healthy. Each partner feels supported by the other for striving for their own personal growth and goals without feeling threatened because the relationship vision is also being attended to simultaneously.

5. They have fun with life and try not to take things so seriously.

Life can be stressful, so why add to the tension with a hardened demeanor? Successful couples are those that are playful with each other, enjoy a humorous banter between the two of them, and feel energized by such things as tickling, cracking jokes, pulling pranks on each other, and being perverted with each other. All things are done in a loving way and this approach to their interactivity creates an atmosphere of laughter and celebration for being in each other's lives.

  

( PART TWO - LATER TODAY)

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

thanks to Brian and to MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

The Duck Controversy. . . . .

I asked our legal friend J to prepare some comments and his thoughts on this fiasco arising from the TVcancelation of this virulently ant-gay TV personality.  He seems to have become
the spokesperson for the rednecks of our country.

If you are / have been following this"cat n' dog fight" going on, you are welcome to post your  comments on TheDunes.

Peace on earth. . . .Justin

The Duck Fight

 

     I’ve been pondering the controversy over Phil Robertson’s public embracement of the more venal pronouncements of St. Paul, particularly Paul’s assertion that sodomites, adulterers et alia would never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Do Robertson’s beliefs justify silencing him, as our gay brethren  would have it?

     We should start with the observation that this is not a constitutional issue at all, since we are not dealing with the actions of a state, but rather a business decision by A&E network. 

 Nonetheless, is society enhanced by banning all exposure to the primitive, the offensive and the merely politically incorrect?  This reminds me of an historic incident that occurred  in France before Napoleon’s initial fall from power.  He had received word that some key aides, especially his foreign minister Prince Talleyrand, were planning for his departure from the scene.  Napoleon summoned the great diplomat to an audience before the marshals of France and blistered him with invective, calling him “a turd in a silk stocking”.  When Napoleon left Talleyrand observed, “Pity so great a man was so poorly brought up.”

     Phil Robertson obviously was brought up to believe in the literal truth of the Bible, and his family’s embrace of biblical values, whether we like it or not, has made his show a big success.  He is a redneck icon, the Christian Ayatollah of the bayous.  He and his family are also a counterpoint to other reality shows that I think are much more offensive, such as those vulgar and promiscuous Kardashians, new housewives and Jersey Shore party animals.  Would we be better off without such rubbish?  Talleyrand might well think so, preferring a bland refinement,  but I don’t.  There’s something about these colorful characters that are emblematic of human motivation as a whole.  Whether we like it or not, when they show us all the warts we are looking at the dark recesses of ourselves.   A&E made a mistake.

 

J

   

A HALLELUJAH CHRISTMAS

Dear Friends and Neighbors, ALL Y'ALL. . . 

It is so good to be home on the Cape where the weather has been wild, like some of the inhabitants.  . . lol. . .and being HOME brings with it another kind of busyness. . . EVERYone is here. . from Grandmama Bouvier to the neice and nephews. . . Mother likes to "preside". . .i.e., allow everyone their space and freedom. . 
as long as it does not conflict with the Lady-of-the-House's plans.
You know the routine. ho ho ho

Father-Uncle John is on his way so we will be celebrating our family Midnight Mass tonight and all that goes with that.
However you celebrate these holi-days or not, I want to offer you
my respect, joy and richness in having you in my life and wish for you ALL that I wish for the O'Sheas and DaSilvas and for myself and Peter. . . .may your lives enjoy the abundance of this season
and experience a bit more this year the reason we celebrate it.

This video expresses well "the reason for the season" for those who celebrate it and since I want the best for you . ..this is how I express it. . . you only need adapt the words to your existential reality and enjoy the fulness of life.

May your hearts be merry !

Justin and Peter

A VARIATION ON A THEME. . . . . .

Gay Relationships: Becoming More Than Just Friends - Part Two Posted: 20 Dec 2013 05:25 AM PST  ( Continued from yesterday ) "This new guy you’re dating sounds like someone you’re intrigued with and would like to see developing into more than “just friends.” ...... If you’re truly interested in cultivating a relationship beyond friendship with him, then the only way to accomplish this is for you to take the lead and directly express your interest and desires either verbally or through a kiss or some other affectionate gesture that breaks away from the purely “friendship behaviors” that have been exhibited thus far. Only you can decide if that’s what’s right for you; but if you do choose to let him know how you truly feel, I’d do it quickly! Don’t let anymore time pass by!  The more time that the two of you invest in each other functioning as you are now, the more your relationship will be defined as “just friends” because any romantic chemistry that existed will diminish over time and he will only view you through the lens of being a pal. It’s not easy taking the initiative and putting yourself in a position of risk. You will need to decide if he matches your personal requirements for a partner thus far and if the benefits of making your feelings known outweigh the potential costs of making yourself vulnerable. And when you’re dating, let things evolve naturally and address the issues as they come. It’s important to have boundaries, but try to avoid setting them up so high that there’s no way to let a relationship grow.  Being friends and having separate identities are extremely important for the health of a partnership, so you’re right on for identifying these values as prime for you. But rather than “throwing it all out on the table” within the first few dates by communicating that, perhaps just pace the speed of how things are going by expressing your needs and feelings as they come in the various situations you’ll find yourself in. Your guy will get the hint. For example, if you’ve gone out on a few dates with someone and he starts giving you hints that he wants to have sex, you could say something like, “I really like you a lot, but I’d like to take things a little slower and get to know each other better first. I’m really attracted to you though, just please be patient.” Hone your flirting skills, pay attention to body language and eye contact, and assess the guys’ responsiveness to you as clues to a dating partners’ interest. And even when going slow, it’s still important to throw signals of attraction and interest to keep the fires burning and to keep each other validated. I wish you luck with this! What do you really want from this guy…a friend or a potential boyfriend? Whatever you decide, go for it and address any fears that may be holding you back. Be the chooser, be assertive! And no matter what happens, the one thing that won’t change is that a friendship has already been established and that’s one more person to add to your support network. My fingers are crossed for you! © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com THANKS  BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

RICHARD sent this along. . . . .

Keep your eyes on those eyes

Richard Hastings

To Me

Dec 19 at 4:27 PM

I guess that this is a more convenient way to determine orientation than placing a device on a guy’s penis.

Richard

http://www.counselheal.com/articles/2440/20120806/eyes-show-sexual-orientation.htm

JUST FRIENDS??? Part One

Gay Relationships: Are We More Than Just Friends? - Part One

Posted: 19 Dec 2013 05:25 AM PST

Dear Brian:

I have been out of the dating scene for 10 years after having been in a long-term relationship for that length and it has since ended. I find it difficult being back on the singles’ market.

I currently find myself in a strange situation; I have met a guy through the Internet.On our “first date”, I set the context of our encounter by saying that I thought from having left a long-term relationship that it was important for me to be friends and to be interdependent rather than codependent as was my previous experience.

So now seven weeks have passed, we’ve been on a number of dates, but haven’t kissed. I am waiting for him to make a move. I’m fearful and I don’t want to ruin anything if it is meant to be a friendship, although I would like more. How long is too long to know someone before “stepping things up” and how do you decipher whether it’s a friendship or if there’s potential for a relationship?

'Back On The Scene Again'

___________________________________

Dear 'Back On the Scene Again':

Yes, it can be quite a difficult challenge when transitioning back into the dating scene after having been in a long-term relationship for the length that you were involved in. Feeling rusty and out of practice, it can be overwhelming navigating through those waters again, particularly with the difficulties inherent in finding compatible matches. Not only this, you’re likely still going through a grieving process over the loss of your 10-year relationship even though you initiated the breakup.

So my first bit of advice to you is to relax and breathe! There’s no rush and it’s a process you have to go through. Becoming preoccupied with the dating challenges will only serve to frustrate you and create more angst and desperation that could sabotage your efforts to find healthy dating partners.

Being new to the scene again and wanting “to do it right the first time around” is commendable and it sounds like you’ve done your homework by realizing the importance of pacing and taking things slow. There does need to be a balance with this, however, otherwise many men will perceive a lack of interest if the signals aren’t expressed that you’re interested.

This new guy you’re dating sounds like someone you’re intrigued with and would like to see developing into more than “just friends.” While going slow is important, you want to beware of over-thinking it and communicating it too much to the guy you’re seeing.

My concern is that it’s possible your guy may have interpreted your statement on the first date of being friends and interdependent as a barrier you put up towards getting close. Try to be mindful of ways you may be projecting your past relationship mistakes onto new dating encounters.

It’s important in the early stages of dating that you make the contacts light and gradually build in more self-disclosure as you screen the person to determine their suitability; this way, your disclosures match the level of intimacy that’s developed in your progressive meetings with your new dating partner. It’s possible your statements may have come across as “too heavy” and your guy may have interpreted what you said in such a way that now your relationship with him is defined as purely a friendship because that may be what he thought you were surmising.

After two months with no movement, that may be the case. But don’t fret, my friend! All is not lost!  It’s also very possible that he, too, shares your interest, but is waiting for you to make the first move because of what you said and he’s letting you be in control of the pacing since you expressed the need initially.

 ( Part Two Tomorrow - "Becoming More Than Just Friends" )

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

thanks to BRIAN and to MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

EMERGENCIES

Gay Relationships: Handling Partner Emergencies

Posted: 16 Dec 2013 05:25 AM PST

Sometimes events overtake us.  Whether it is an out-of-the-blue surprise like the exposing of an affair or the accumulated discontent that comes from neglecting the health of a relationship, we are suddenly facing a confrontation. Something has changed so much that one partner or the other is no longer certain he wants to be in this relationship.  The relationship is in crisis.

Gay couples often don’t have a lot of support.  Family and friends may be of marginal help, but too often there is the expectation that, well…breakups happen. There are often none of the legal complications that cause heterosexual couples to work for a while before dissolving their marriage.Gay couples are too often left to their own devices. That makes it imperative to get to work on the relationship as soon as possible.

Try to avoid making hasty or drastic decisions or threats. If something has happened which brings up a great deal of emotion – hurt, fear, anger – express what you are feeling without making threats. Take a few deep breaths. Stay grounded.

Arguing about blame can be tempting – particularly if one of you feels deeply wronged by the other. It is easy to get self-righteous when the other person has done something pretty awful. You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but understand that you may have to face a choice: you can prove that you are right, or you can try to resurrect your relationship. Making the latter choice may mean broadening your idea of what “winning an argument” looks like, but choosing to prove your point and punish your partner may mean letting go of a relationship that still has value to both of you. Choose wisely!

Listen to your partner. This can be difficult if you feel attacked or betrayed, but try. What do you imagine he is feeling? See if you can listen to his feelings as well as expressing your own.

What do you need right now? If you need something from your partner, see if you can make a specific request that can be translated into action. If he needs something from you, ask him to be specific, too. Avoid general complaining, replacing it with a call for doing something concrete. If you have faced a similar crisis before, what do you remember about what was helpful then – or what mistakes you would like to avoid?

Be cautious about venting your frustration and anger with friends. Friends who get the impression you are breaking up with your partner are likely to say things they will regret later. (“I never liked the jerk.”) This is ultimately not fair to your soon-to-be-former friends, nor is it helpful to you or your relationship.

If you value your relationship, you will do well to avoid these sorts of relationship emergencies if at all possible.That may mean making an agreement ahead of time (ideally, at the time that you are first making a commitment to each other) never to talk about breaking up in a moment of anger; if you have to face that possibility, you want to make the decision in a clear-headed way and not the heat of the moment.

Remember that couples often wait so long to get into counseling that relationship counselors sometimes joke among themselves that they are “love’s undertakers.”  Don’t wait that long to start caring for your relationship.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

thanks MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com