Day-After Thanksgiving

Good morning, Friends and Neighbors and All The Ships-at-Sea:
It is a chill blustery almost-Winter day.  About 32*.  If you care to check in on Commercial St in beautiful downtown Provincetown
here you are: http://www.provincetown.com/features/provincetown_web_cam/
With all the various traveling and assorted storms in the NorthEast all of the Pilgrims made it home to Chez O'Shea.  We were a bit fewer this year as it was the turn for my brother and his brood to go his wife Ms O'Shea's family so they can be here with us for Christ-mas.

Earlier in the month Mom had conducted a family-council online
about the menu for Thanksgiving day.  It was an almost-unanimous vote to drop the traditional Thanksgiving turkey menu! Grateful! I am so tired of taste-free (sorry,  Mom), dry awful old bird.  Besides President Obama and that silly Turkey-Pardon, another bird was pardoned at the O'Shea residence.  (Did anyone note on the news that President Obama in waving his hand over the pardoned turkey slipped in the "Catholic tradition" and traced the Sign of the Cross over the bird?  I wonder if he even realized what he was doing. It was almost as mindless as when Catholics sometime do it. . . .hahahahaa. In his community action days in Chicago he worked mostly with a Catholic parish social action group. And ways of action easily slip into our own with time. )

So back to yesterday family dinner menu: this year we had two entrees. . . standing rib roast and lobster thermador. . .totally
awesome,  with all the fixins. . . ;-)  Besides the red wine for the beef there was a very impressive and palatable  white wine. . a very tasty Chardonnay.  Oh my, that was good, very good.  ;-))

Grandmama Mde Bouvier had arrived late Wednesday with Peter.
She had decided to wait and come home with him. . .she is good travel company. . . just enough chatter and also restful quiet that makes a trip on a stormy day quite comfortable. So he visited a bit and then head off to his own family.  We may all get together after Mass on Sunday for mother's "Traditional Sunday Brunch". . ( see how I am throwing in the T-word, all over the place. . LOL ! )

In my haste throwing stuff together on Tuesday for my own trip down to the Cape I see I forgot to include my camera so I shall have to rely on family for any pics I may be able to include en blog.  Aging, ya know. . . ho ho ho  One of the  family's older friends used to say often on state-occasions "Oh all the things I've lost in life I miss my mind the most. . "

I hope you all are enjoying your holidays with those most-near-and
-dear to you. . .and that you avoided the indignities of that awful Black Friday commericialized money-making day where the business entrepreneurs create needs and desires to spend what we barely possess on stuff  we do not need!

Have fun!
Peace, love, joy. . . .

                                    J u s t i n                              

 

WHEN SEX. . . .?. . . . .suggestions. . .

Gay Relationships: “Should We Have Sex Yet? Negotiating Your First Time With Mr. Wonderful”  Posted: 27 Nov 2013 05:25 AM PST   The Sexual Floodgates Are Opening! - So you and Mr. Wonderful are now at the stage where the chemistry is bubbling over and you can’t keep your hands off each other.You’ve gone out at least several times and the compatibility you share seems to be indicating a “green light.” Before racing off to the bedroom (or other creative carnal lovemaking spot!), ask yourself these questions to avoid getting hurt and to make sure this is the right time for you to get naked: • Why do we want to have sex now? What are our motives? • Do I feel physically and emotionally safe with him? Am I able to be vulnerable with him with my body and emotions? • Do I feel cared about by him? Does he show genuine interest and curiosity about me in other areas of my life other than sex? Does he respond to me non-sexually? • Am I able to be myself freely around him? Do I feel good about myself when I’m around him? Do I like the man that he is from what I’ve learned about him so far? • Are we able to communicate openly with each other? Have we each engaged in enough self-disclosure to feel comfortable about each other? Have we been able to express affection to each other thus far? • Does he demonstrate dependability and loyalty? Do I feel like a priority? Do we have mutual respect and support?   Additional Tips Before Taking The Plunge: • Make sure you’ve talked about your sexual histories and have had discussions about sexually transmitted diseases, safe sex, and beliefs about monogamy vs. nonmonogamy. While this may seem like it’ll take away some of the excitement, it doesn’t necessarily have to do that. Make the discussion part of the “erotic foreplay” and explore your sexual values, attitudes, preferences, and fantasies together to heighten the intimacy and get to know each other more intensely. Make it part of the “turn-on” and “build-up.” • It may be helpful to communicate to dating prospects something to the effect of “I’m very attracted to you but I don’t have sex until I really know someone.” A frank, up-front assertive statement such as this will certainly weed out men who potentially match your vision vs. those who don’t. You may get lots of men who “abandon ship”, but they weren’t meant to be and now lots of time and energy has been saved for you to continue your quest. Remember, it’s quality, not quantity. • When you’re in the “waiting phase” and holding off from sex initially, continually create “allure” and intrigue to keep your guy aware that you’re still interested and find him attractive with respectful flirting. A lot of gay men have been conditioned to equate “no sex” with rejection and could be sensitive to “sexual fasting”, so give him lots of “positive strokes” to keep the spark going without playing games. • While the argument could be made that having sex right away can help bring to light whether you’re sexually compatible, keep in mind that it all comes down to your personal requirements and what you deem most important. Also remember that sex gets hotter the longer a couple is together (practice makes perfect!) and that sex tends to be more passionate and fulfilling when a foundation of emotional intimacy has already been developed. • Finally, no matter how much prep-work you’ve laid out to be a successful dater, there will be times when you’ll make a mistake, have a slip of poor judgment, or the other guy will bail for no apparent reason. Be kind to yourself and remember you’re human. Take ownership for where you went wrong and get back on your dating plan. You have no control over how the other guy behaves. Be mindful too that sex is a loaded issue for a lot of people and unresolved intimacy issues is a big culprit for seemingly good dating prospects bolting out of nowhere shortly after a sexual relationship begins. Protect your heart, be patient, and never give up hope that your Mr. Right is out there—the timing just hasn’t been right yet. Conclusion:  Sex means different things to different men. As a gay man searching for a life partner, introducing sex into a dating relationship takes faith and trust. There is no right time necessarily to be intimate, but realizing that sex and relationships have completely different mindsets with different attitudes and behaviors can better help you decide where and when your sexual first with Mr. Wonderful fits best into the timeline of your vision for a long-term relationship. Stay true to your values and remember that it’s not a numbers game—it’s about being successful with the right guy..Mr. Right!  © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com THANK to BRIAN and to MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

BOYFRIENDS AND YOUR FRIENDS

Friday in class we were discussing this statement I had thrown out in class: "No one person can meet and satisfy all of our needs." Sorta along the lines of "it takes a village to raise a child." Today, this morning one of the students brought this post from GAYTWOGETHER.com to continue the discussion.
I do not recall if this has been posted on The Dunes before but if so, "Repetition is the mother of learning."[Aren't I just ripe with all the old goodies. . LOL ]
If this is a repost, excellent! I need reminders. . . .tis so easy to forget "in the heat of the night." ho ho ho Some excellent practical reminders. . . .thanks to Intro Psych. ;-). . . . .~JustinO

Gay Relationships: Boyfriends And Your Friends Posted: 25 Nov 2013 05:25 AM PST What happens to your friends when your dating gets serious? When we’re single, our friends are like family. Friends are our confidants, the people we share our innermost thoughts with, the guys we get together with for a beer on Wednesdays and brunch on Sundays. It’s not unusual for some friends to be in touch several times a day, friendships enrich our lives and keep loneliness at bay. You might think that friends would also be delighted when your new boyfriend turns into someone very special. Funny how that’s not always the case. If you and your best friend have been the go-everywhere-together guys, it can be disorienting when what you want to do and who you want to do it with shifts significantly. Going out and dancing all night may be less of a priority. And if you’ve been busy all day with work or out of town on business, chances are you’re going to dial up your boyfriend first, not your old buddy. This is, of course, entirely natural. Healthy individuals with healthy friendships accommodate to these new realities without permanent damage to the friendship. You and your chum may need to talk it through if he’s feeling hurt about having less of your time and attention. But some losses are necessary in life, opening space up for more of what we really want. And even if you’ve got a boyfriend now, you’re still going to need friends. No one person is going to meet all your needs, no matter how wonderful the relationship. But sometimes things don’t go well. When you’re in love, your perspective changes. It’s a little like being obsessed, and it’s easy to be thoughtless around old friends, who may not want to hear endless details of the cute thing your studmuffin did last night, or what a hottie he is in the sack, or… you get the idea . A little consideration goes a long way, guy. Friendships are give and take, not an endless recitation of the joys (or dramas) or your love life. Some men react badly when a friend falls head over heels in love. They get jealous. They nitpick your new guy, finding faults with everything from his table manners to his place of birth. If it gets really nasty, you may get the sense that your relationship is being undermined or sabotaged. What do you do if you find that’s the case? It may be hard, but you’re going to have to set some limits. It’s not OK for people to insult the man you’re choosing to date. What if all your friends dislike your new sweetie? First, consider the source. Criticism from guys who have a history of awful relationships – or no relationships at all – don’t get quite the weight that concerns from men who know more about what makes love last. But if your friends are people who have given you reliable advice when you’ve needed it and if you’ve found they are usually on target when they offer an opinion, it may be time to step back a bit and listen. Maybe what you’re getting isn’t jealousy. Maybe it’s a word of caution that is worthy of your attention. John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536. Thanks to MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Borrowed from the Closet Professor'

MAIN | THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2013

Bishop Thomas Paprocki Exorcizes Gay Marriage Demons Out Of Illinois

Above is a page from yesterday's program at the gay marriage exorcismheld in Illinois by Bishop Thomas Paprocki. 

The head of the Springfield Diocese delivered his remarks to a large crowd of worshippers in the cavernous Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception only blocks from the Capitol, where lawmakers approved the same-sex marriage legislation two weeks ago. "I exorcise you, every unclean sprit, every power of darkness, every incursion of the infernal enemy, every diabolical legion, cohort and faction, in the name and power of our Lord Jesus Christ," Paprocki said during the hourlong ceremony 200 miles from the bill-signing celebration in Chicago. The exorcism performed is known as a minor one in the pantheon of the practice, said Paprocki, who noted similar renouncements of the devil in the acts of baptisms and confirmations.

Afterward, the bishop said he did not expect people to see instant results, restating a point he made during the service that Hollywood had sensationalized exorcisms. He maintained his remarks "are not meant to demonize anyone, but are intended to call attention to the diabolical influences of the devil that have penetrated our culture, both in the state and in the church." Yet Paprocki also charged that "politicians responsible for enacting civil same-sex marriage legislation are morally complicit as co-operators in facilitating this grave sin." "We must pray for forgiveness of these sins and deliverance from this evil which has penetrated our state and our church," Paprocki said.

A small group of pro-gay Catholics protested outside the cathedral during the exorcism rite.

I suppose it’s possible that whoever posted this sign did not recognize the double entendre,

 but I wouldn’t bet on it. J

Richard

Thanks, Richard for sending this.  Took a bit of doing, but I was able to post it.   ;-)  ~~justin

ON BEING GAY . . . .

I came across this item that appeared on Andrew Sullivan's site a few years ago, when I was checking items on my computer.

"John Shore castigates fellow Christians who condemn homosexual acts as sinful:

'Here is that Big Difference between homosexuality and other sins: There is no sin I can commit that, by virtue of committing it, renders me incapable of loving or being loved. I can commit murder. I can steal. I can rob. I can rape. I can drink myself to death. I can do any terrible thing at all—and no one would ever claim that intrinsic to the condition that gave rise to my doing that terrible thing is that I am, by nature, simply incapable of giving or receiving love. No one tells the chronic drinker, or glutton, or adulterer, or any other kind of sinner, to stop experiencing love. Yet that’s exactly what so many Christians are insisting gay people do.

'When you tell a gay person to “resist” being gay, what you are really telling them—what you really mean—is for them to be celibate. What you are truly and actually saying is that you want them to condemn themselves to a life devoid of love. Be alone, you’re demanding. Live alone. Don’t hold anyone’s hand. Don’t snuggle on your couch with anyone. Don’t cuddle up with anyone at night before you fall asleep. Don’t have anyone to chat with over coffee in the morning. Do not bind your life to that of another. Live your whole life without knowing that joy, that sharing, that peace. Just say “no” to love.

'Be alone. Live alone. Die alone.

'The “sinful temptation” that Christians are forever urging LGBT people to resist is love. Being, of course, the one thing Jesus was most clear about wanting his followers to extend to others.'"

Gay Relationships: Parents, In-Laws & Relatives Posted: 14 Nov 2013 05:25 AM PST Gay men aren’t the only folks who have complicated relationships with parents and in-laws, of course.  But while straight couples typically get a lot of recognition, support and encouragement from their parents and other family members, things are often different for us.  Some families are very welcoming.  Other families are indifferent or hostile, and that can complicate loving relationships between men.  Enlightened parents welcome a son or daughter’s partner into the family.  Even if this feels like uncharted territory to Mom and Dad, they grasp that the new love in their son’s life is the important thing, not the gender of the person offering that love.  Family get-togethers may be awkward times when protocol is still being determined, but good intentions and clear communication are enough to smooth over most rough spots. How to establish a good relationship between you and your partner and your parents?     For starters, if you’re not already out to your parents – this is the time to do so.  They need to understand that your partner is your partner – not a roommate, “friend” or some other shrunken version of your true relationship.  If your parents want to introduce your significant other as “our son’s friend” if you bump into their acquaintances, that may not be a big deal.  But it is a very big deal for you to represent the relationship that way to people in your family network.  Be clear about what you want and expect when you introduce your partner to your family.  Are you looking for parental approval?  If you are close to your parents it is understandable that you would want their support, but be clear:  you are an adult, and your life choices do not depend on Mom and Dad’s approval.  In fact, implying that you want that approval puts your parents in an awkward position.  Now instead of just meeting your beau, they have to give him their seal of approval.  Wouldn’t it be enough if they were simply polite and friendly around him?  Make it easy for your parents to give you what you want.  “Mom, I want you and Dad to come over for dinner next Saturday and meet my boyfriend Michael” is pretty clear.  “Um, Mom, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.  I don’t know if this is a good time, but well, um, I’m seeing this guy Michael and I wanted to let you know” is not clear communication.  Put yourself in your mother’s place.  How is she supposed to react?  You sound ambivalent and uncertain.  Her reaction is likely to reflect that.  What to do when parents are unwelcoming to your partner, despite your best intentions?  This can create a painful dilemma; it can feel as if you must choose between your family relationships and your relationship with your partner.  While sometimes that is exactly the choice that must be made, more often the choice is really about how to respond to familial bullying.    For those of us who have been raised to be the proverbial “best little boy in the world,” it can be disorienting to realize that it’s time to stand up to family pressure.  Remember:  you’re an adult now, and if you and your partner have made a commitment that reflects your love and devotion to one another, then he is your primary family now.     John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. thanks MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

     (This is a rather nice touch. . . . )

Gay Relationships - That Special Touch

Posted: 13 Nov 2013 05:25 AM PST

Developing skill with touch is an important part of having successful relationships. Touch is critical to human beings.The love and support communicated through touch affirms our connection to others and has even been shown to contribute to the health of our immune systems. Many studies have shown that when infants are neglected and not held, they fail to thrive. Something similar seems true for us adults

.

Too many men have limited skill when it comes to touch. Their experience with the way men make contact is limited -- a slap on the back from Dad, wrestling with friends growing up, the touch of a boyfriend during sex. For others, touch has too often been abusive -- being smacked around by schoolmates or parents, or uninvited and unwanted sexual touch.

Maybe you’ve found yourself in a bar talking with a friend, only to find someone rubbing up against you. This can be fun and a turn-on or annoying and intrusive, depending on your frame of mind and how you feel about the person initiating the physical contact.

Unfortunately, some men have the opinion that if you’re a gay man and I’m a gay man, then I automatically have the right to touch or grope you if I want to. And even more unfortunately, others of us have never learned that we have the right to say “no” to unwelcome touch.

Have you ever gone to a movie with a date and found him stroking your arm over and over and over again in exactly the same way -- almost as if he was a robot? You suspected that he meant to be affectionate, but pretty soon you were ready to run screaming from your seat! Touch that doesn’t doesn’t have presence and attention behind it can create the same sensation as fingernails raking down a black board.

Physical contact that works and is welcome can have just thesence and attention behind it can create the same sensation as fingernails raking down a black board.e opposite effect -- calming us, drawing us closer to the person with whom we are sharing touch.

To increase the quality of your touch, think of your hands as an extension of your heart. Instead of casually brushing your hand over someone, bring focus to your touching; you are touching them with your heart. Imagine that this is the only person in the world who exists right now. He has your undivided attention while you are in contact with him. Take your time.

Not all touch is sexual. If touch equals sex for you, you may need to slow down and explore a bit. Friendly, inviting contact between people can be reassuring, comforting and enjoyable in its own right and need not be an invitation to sex. Some people are uncomfortable with touch when they assume that the person initiating contact has an unspoken erotic agenda.

Touch which is repetitive or constant becomes boring and easy to ignore. Vary the intensity and pressure of your touch. This is true whether you are touching a friend to make a point during conversation or whether you are caressing your partner to bring him to orgasm. Touch can be with finger tips or the whole palm. It can be quick and invigorating -- think of a back rub -- or slow and soft.

Learning new ways to make physical contact increases our “touch vocabulary,” and helps us communicate with others.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

THANKS to MichaEL@GAYTWOGETHER.COM

A GREAT LETTER

Matt Korman, University of Texas Swimmer, Comes Out As Gay In Email To Team

The Huffington Post  |  By James Nichols Posted: 11/11/2013 3:18 pm EST  |  Updated: 11/12/2013 12:00 pm EST

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Until recently, University of Texas swimmer Matt Korman had kept a big secret from his teammates.

But the athlete finally felt that it was time to be his authentic self and decided to come out as gay through an email to his fellow swimmers.

OutSports initially received a message about what happened from one of Korman's teammates and the online LGBT sports site reached out to Korman to get the full story.

He told OutSports that he had already come out to his family and thought it was time that his fellow swimmers knew as well.

"I've been totally blessed by this whole situation because it's gone so well," Korman told the site. "I've gotten zero negative feedback. There were a couple guys who always throw around the word faggot and try to make every situation as masculine as possible. We have guys from the middle of nowhere conservative Texas. But they've been like, 'We're totally fine, you're still my friend and my teammate and good for you.'"

Korman joins the growing list of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) athletes who have come out this year, including Jason Collins, Robbie Rogers,Orlando Cruz and Brittney Griner.

Be sure to read the whole heartwarming and inspiring e-mail below and visitOutSports.com for more LGBT sports stories.

Guys,

The last year has been a rather difficult one for me and I have spent a lot of time soul searching and trying to figure out which end is up. One thing in particular has taken me quite a long time to come to terms with, and I want to address it here and now because it's way past due.

Within the past year, I have fallen into a state of depression, which has deeply affected my life. I have had a hard time sleeping at night, eating, and have lost a lot of interest in swimming. For the first time in my career, I was ready to quit swimming at the end of the summer. Not many people have noticed something has been wrong. The ones that did, I just blamed all the stress on my schoolwork, which has been my scapegoat. But, I miss sleeping at night; being happy and being the person I used to be when it didn't really matter. Although this has been something I have known for a while, it hit me particularly hard more recently as I have realized that I'm not getting any younger and would like to start dating and enjoy the simple things of life that I have been missing out on. When I was younger I thought I was only curious or it was just a phase for me, but have come to terms that I'm actually gay. (There, I finally said it)

For a long time I tried to be someone that I am not. By opening up and talking about it I have learnt that this is normal and its okay to be who I am. I have accepted myself for who I am. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not something that I choose. It just is.

Please know that I am telling you this about myself because I love you guys and I really want you to know this important part of me. I was growing tired of all the lying, dishonesty, and pretending. You all have always been there for me and supported me in everything that I do. You are and forever will be my brothers. I simply couldn't continue to hide this from you anymore because it was slowly killing me. I want you to know me for who I am. I pray that this will not change anything, but I know for some of you this is uneasy. I want you all to know that I am here to have an open dialogue. If you have questions or concerns please be honest with me as I am being with you. Do not hesitate to ask me questions if you have any (appropriate ones). I know this email has been a bit heavy and I apologize for that. All I can do is hope you will accept me for who I am and realize that I really haven't changed. I am still the same me.

I love you guys & thank you for listening.

Best,

Matt

HELLO  EVERYONE

Sorry I've been so "absent" of late.  I just flew in from Tampa, Florida,  yesterday afternoon. . .where the temp was around 82*f.
It has been very nice being warm again. . . .;-)  When I left New
England was enjoying some crisp mornings and afternoons and evenings.  Walking out of TIA was a bit like walking into a wet hot face cloth. . . .LOL.  (There, that's an image for ya!  LOL)

I was attending a psych seminar at the University of Southern Florida.  Very hospitable folk.  FUN being with "young professionals". . recent PhDs . . . .(as one wag remarked "Piled Higher and Deeper". . .ho ho ho  No one flung dung at him. . . . ), grad students from all over,
and of course, our various mentors to see to it we didn't deviate too far off the published topics. etc.  The youngsters are given to play. . . ahem.

IT was interesting week. . . .with ample time for "Fun n' Games" on and off campus.  I am beginning to see what I've often heard. . .there is a greater relaxation among the Southern Gents and Gals too. . .and we New Englanders do tend to be a bit more "straight laced" aka "tight assed". . .ho ho ho.  And some of our colleagues we've met over the years at such gatherings have become buds who've undertaken "the work of charity" of loosening us up!  lol

And we are having a taste of Winter. . . .Oh MotherNature, go slow. . please.  The NorthEast is tasting the seasonal change in varying degrees. . . .

I trust all is well with all y'all.

ciao ciao ~~~

    Justin

SLOW DOWN. . .YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST. . . . ...part 2...cont

Gay Relationships: Putting On the Brakes In Your New Dating Relationship for Everlasting Success - Part Two

Posted: 05 Nov 2013 05:25 AM PST

[ Continued from November 4th ]

"So how do you control yourself when you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy even though you know it’s best to wait? How do you handle these powerful feelings of attachment without losing your sense of self and without becoming too intertwined?"

Action Challenges

Here are some action challenges to help keep you on the right track toward promoting a healthy relationship progression with your new dating prospect:
1. Be proactive, not reactive

This means to avoid acting on every impulse you have when it comes to your dating partner. Do you really need to call him for the fifth time today? Is it wise to send him one email after the other on the same day? Do you have to see him every day this week? By thinking about the consequences of your actions, you’ll be in a better position to guide the relationship along. If you need to, snap yourself with a rubber band to break out of an “impulse trance” to avoid making impulsive moves.

2. Balance togetherness with separateness

Beware of spending every waking hour with each other. You need breathing room and you don’t want the relationship to become suffocated by becoming too enmeshed. By having your own independent life separate from the relationship, you’ll be bringing fresh air into it that will help vitalize it and keep it exciting. Don’t forget you have other roles, responsibilities, and relationships that deserve and need your attention as well!

3. Find outlets for your impulses

Stave off those self-sabotaging urges by finding productive outlets for those impulses to “rush things along.” Such things as exercise, masturbation, fantasy, or writing can be helpful pursuits to channel your thoughts and feelings toward when all you want to do is direct your energies at your love interest. They can be constructive distractions and physical releases for “emergency relief.”

4. Stay anchored in the here-and-now

New lovers often times in their exuberance talk about what their futures will be like together and this definitely accelerates the pacing of the relationship. Instead, be fully present in every moment you share together and enjoy each opportunity together as a gift in “the now.” To help stay on an appropriate timeline for yourself, you can create a personal scrapbook of the memories and experiences you’ve shared with this special guy as a time-table and way to stay centered on going slow and relishing in getting to know each other.

5.  Communication starts from “Day One”

Talk to each other about the thoughts and feelings that you’re having. This shared dialogue will help cement the bond between you even more and communication is one of the avenues toward building trust, respect, and intimacy. By keeping the feelings and temptations vocalized, they can be dealt with more directly. Unspoken, suppressed desires have a way of erupting spontaneously and you’re more at risk for acting-out by keeping everything hidden. Obviously you’re not going to want to share everything you’re fantasizing about with your dating partner (there do need to be some boundaries!), but keeping the dialogue open and honest can help pace the momentum.

6.  Always stay in touch with your personal requirements

Being mindful of the qualities and characteristics of your ideal partner and relationship can be an excellent barometer to gauge the pacing of your relationship.With every experience and contact you have with your new dating partner, you’re learning more and more about whether this is truly a goodness-of-fit. Does he share similar values? Does he stimulate me intellectually? Is he trustworthy and loyal? Can I be vulnerable with him and share my feelings? Do we have physical chemistry and sexual compatibility? These are all things that are learned in the process of your dating journey with this particular man. Stay true to your personal requirements and non-negotiable needs for a partner and relationship, and you can’t go wrong!

Conclusion

The beginning of a new dating relationship is often times characterized by an abundance of feel-good feelings that can be mind-boggling and overwhelming. Enjoy the thrill of what is happening to you and at the same time make sure that you stay in control of these feelings as opposed to the other way around. Perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask yourself to ensure your relationship is pacing at a rate you are comfortable with before allowing yourself to be vulnerable and consider commitment would be:

Has my dating partner consistently demonstrated through his words and actions that he is safe to let into my life and share my heart?   The answer to that question can only be answered through the passage of time and shared experiences. So slow down, think, and enjoy the ride!

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach