New Gay Relationships: Finding Your Rhythm - Part One Posted: 31 Jan 2013 05:25 AM PST Starting a new relationship can feel a bit disorienting. At first everything is exciting; this is what you’ve always wanted, right? Months or years – seems like a lifetime – of dating, and all of a sudden here he is! What’s next? Relationships require care and encouragement and it helps to get things started on the right foot.Perhaps your first thought is, “so when do we start living together?” Whoa – slow down. Most of us know guys who went home from the bar together the night they first met, and one of them basically never went home. Other couples have been together for years, but find it more agreeable to keep separate households. Take time to find out what the right rhythm is for each of you. If your tendency in the past has been to make a commitment like moving in with someone after only a few weeks only to find that the relationship never should have happened, make a commitment to yourself that this time you are going to wait at least six months before combining your CD collections. What’s the rush? Part of dating is trying to make a positive impression – being thoughtful, considerate, romantic. Those are good things in a relationship, too, but face it – if he hangs around, your lover is going to see you at times other than when you are on top of your game. Allowing your partner to see you at times when you aren’t your best – when things haven’t gone well at work or you’ve had a painful conflict with your crazy family – isn’t stuff you would usually recommend for a first date. But being yourself in good times and bad is the way he’ll get to know you and the way the bonds of intimacy will deepen between you. If you let your partner see you warts and all, he’ll probably show you his less-attractive stuff as well. It can be a little startling seeing Mr. Right’s flaws. Don’t think you can change your partner. The start of a relationship offers a great opportunity to learn all about his eccentricities: the way he mispronounces that particular word of his, or his curious need to keep his checkbook in perfect balance. See if you can practice just noticing rather than criticizing. Who is this peculiar creature that now shares your life? Promise yourself you won’t nit-pick these little things. Learn to relax and laugh at yourself and your reactions to these little things. Criticism and nagging aren’t going to get you off on the right foot. Some men handle intimacy easier than others. Intimacy requires us to let down our guard and become more open and vulnerable. The trouble is, most men have learned from an early age that making yourself letting down your defenses is a stupid thing to do because you’re likely to get hurt. This makes closeness a real challenge for guys, even if it’s what we most want. You really care about what this guy thinks of you, and the temptation is to try to look good rather than be genuine. One of the secrets of relationships is that if the relationship is a healthy one, we actually become safer in it by lowering our defenses. Our partner responds to our openness with more openness of his own, or we learn that the blemish that we worried would cause him to run away turns out to be no big deal. (PART TWO - Tomorrow) John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHERor John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. thank you, Michael@gaytwogether.com

thanks to Michael@gaytwogether.com

Two Dogs In A Restauraant

THIS HAS GOT TO BE A CLASSIC........................ENJOY A GOOD LAUGH!

TWO DOGS DINING<http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125>

LOOK AT THIS. . . .WOW !

High school senior comes out as LGBT while accepting award

By Mike Krumboltz, Yahoo! News | The Lookout – 13 hrs ago

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Coming out as LGBT is rarely easy, which makes Jacob Rudolph's story all the more impressive. When the high school student in Parsippany, N.J., came out, he did so in front of the entire school. His classmates responded with a standing ovation.

During the presentation of senior class awards, Rudolph was given the Class Actor award, an irony not lost on him. "Sure I've been in a few plays and musicals, but more importantly, I've been acting every single day of my life," Rudolph said. "You see, I've been acting as someone I'm not."

Rudolph continued:

Most of you see me every day. You see me acting the part of "straight" Jacob, when I am in fact LGBT. Unlike millions of other LGBT teens who have had to act every day to avoid verbal harassment and physical violence, I'm not going to do it anymore. It's time to end the hate in our society and accept the people for who they are regardless of their sex, race, orientation, or whatever else may be holding back love and friendship. So take me, leave me, or move me out of the way. Because I am what I am, and that's how I'm going to act from now on.

Footage of Rodolph's speech and its positive reception was uploaded to the Web by his father, who noted on the video that it "took more guts to do than anything I've ever attempted in my life."

[Related: Obama's second inaugural: The most important gay rights speech ever?]

Rudolph spoke with NJ.com about his speech and the aftermath. "The more leaders who pop up in the LGBT community, the more it inspires others. It just becomes a whole domino effect," he said.

"It felt like this immense weight was gone," he added. "I'd been carrying it around with me for years. It affected me academically, emotionally, socially. It's like my life is now before and after. I think that explanation is what made this whole process make sense."

[Related: Jodie Foster's full Golden Globes speech]

The reactions have been across-the-board positive, including on Twitter. Anthony G. Watson tweeted, "‏#Jacob #Rudolph Gay New Jersey Teen, Comes Out During School Award Ceremony! We are all very proud of you!"

Ben Rudolph wrote, "I don't think I'm related to Jacob Rudolph (not this one, anyway)...but I'm still proud of him."

And another supporter wrote, "Things That Make Me Smile: Teenager Jacob Rudolph comes out to his parents, teachers, and his whole class..."

A Map of Human Dignity

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/22/opinion/bruni-a-map-of-human-dignity.html?emc=eta1&_r=0


Frank Bruni's commentary, in OP ED, for the NYTimes.

Franks makes very good comments. . . linking reality to hope and joy.

Stop. . .Look. . .Listen. . . part 2

 Gay Relationships: Stop, Look, & Listen - The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner - Part Two

Posted: 22 Jan 2013 05:25 AM PST

[ continued from yesterday ]

No matter how much you get the urge to break-in should your partner say something that you don’t like, hold it back!  It’s not about you right now, it’s about you demonstrating to your man that you care and are invested in understanding life through his frame-of-reference, no matter how different it may be from yours.

Listening is not about agreeing with your boyfriend and doing what he says, it’s about being fully present and gaining clarity into each other’s experience of your relationship.

Be aware of any internal or external factors that could distract you and redirect yourself back to your listening responsibility.Nonverbal communication is integral as well. Make sure you have an open body posture, maintain good eye contact, give affirmative head nods and the occasional “mmm-hmm’s”, etc.

Step 3: LISTEN!

Now it’s time to respond to demonstrate that you really heard your partner’s message and can articulate his thoughts, feelings, needs, and experience non-defensively and without judgment. Speaker goes through a three-step process now to enact this type of scenario. Relationship expert Harville Hendrix developed a technique called Intentional Dialogue to provide a structure for open communication.

The steps involved in this strategy include:

1. Mirroring: Repeat what you heard your partner say in your own words. You might use a sentence stem like “What I heard you say was…” Your partner will confirm if you are accurate or will help clarify the message for you until you can mirror it precisely. Avoid parroting back what your lover said word-for- word; instead, paraphrase back what you heard in your own language for more meaning and depth.

2. Validation: Find some grain of logic in what your partner communicated and convey this back to him. “That makes sense to me because…” is a good lead-in. You don’t have to agree with what your partner said, but it’s vital to tell him how and why his experience makes sense to you for the ultimate in making him feel acknowledged and safe.

3. Empathy: Put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes and imagine what the experience must feel like for him, and say something to the effect of “I imagine that might make you feel…”

Then the two of you switch roles, and you will become the sender and your partner will become the listener and you repeat the process again. While this may not feel like a natural way to communicate, be open to it and give it a try! It’s harder than it looks, but it is an extremely effective way to build trust and intimacy in your relationship as you support each other through active listening.

Sometimes solid listening is all that’s needed to solve a problem; other times we may just want to be heard without any intervention from our partner. A client of mine I worked with once said, “I don’t want my boyfriend to problem-solve or fix anything. Sometimes I just want him to listen to me and be a sounding-board without offering any advice or opinions.” Listening can be very therapeutic for a relationship.

Conclusion - Listening may not solve all your problems, but it helps create an atmosphere of nurturance and safety in your relationship. Listening is a precursor for effective conflict resolution, so don’t underestimate its power and avoid jumping into problem-solving mode at its expense, as we guys often do.

Look for the positive intent in all your communications and you’ll both enjoy a more fruitful and enjoyable sense of connection in your partnership.

 © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

thanks Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

More Inaugural Comments. . . .

Imagining Hope

President Obama delivering his inaugural address.

Inauguration times are truly times of hope and joy.   Yesterday, I was down on the National Mall in Washington, DC, to see President Barack Obama and Vice President Joseph Biden take the oaths of office once again.
The hope and joy in the crowd was palpable.  Bursts of applause broke out after every few sentences during the President’s inaugural address.   Perhaps no applause was greater (especially from me) especially when Obama uttered the following words:

“We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths – that all of us are created equal – is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall.”

I have been working in the field of Catholic LGBT ministry for over 20 years, and it dawned on me yesterday, that 20 years ago, even in my wildest dreams, I would never have guessed or even hoped  that I would hear a reference to Stonewall in a presidential inaugural address.  But, there it was: the first time ever that LGBT people or issues were mentioned in such a speech.
But it got better.
A short time after the Stonewall reference, Obama added the following words:

“It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began … Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law — for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”

Not only a second reference to LGBT equality, but a specific, supportive message of marriage equality!  I could hardly believe my ears.
As I reflected last night on the day’s events,  I thought of how much hope such milestones provide.   What is most important for me is that such moments help to fill our imaginations with hope.  As Catholics who work for LGBT justice and equality, it may seem far-fetched to imagine a bishop or the pope saying such things as Obama did yesterday.  But 20 years ago, it was equally unimaginable that we would hear what we heard yesterday.  And 40 years ago, one would have probably been thought insane to imagine such a prospect.
So, let’s pray in gratitude today for the hope that Obama’s message gives us as Catholic advocates for LGBT people.  Let’s give our hope a chance to be renewed and provide our imaginations a chance to be expanded to include impossible dreams.  And let’s pray for the courage to work to make those impossible dreams come true.
–Francis DeBernardo, New Ways Ministry

About these ads

Making history. . . ..even in Washington

Sifting thru the abundance of commentary about yesterday's Presidential Inauguration, occasionally something significant is high-lighted.  Here is one
large and important one. . . .

http://news.yahoo.com/obama-lauds-progress-gay-civil-rights-inaugural-address-003753892.html


Btw, no one asked me what I thought about the vocalists (and their style) featured
in yesterday's program. . . .and I won't be so brash as to post them here.  LOL

justin

Stop. . .Look. . .Listen. . . .part 1

 Gay Relationships: Stop, Look, & Listen - The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner - Part One

Posted: 21 Jan 2013 05:25 AM PST

Do you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep getting into repetitive arguments over the same things? Have hidden resentments toward him and a mountain of unmet needs? If you’re like a lot of other gay couples, chances are your listening skills might need a jump-start; and if it’s not that, then fine-tuning your ability to listen can go a long way toward bridging the gap between you and your lover and bringing about more clarity and connection in your relationship.

Conflict is inevitable when you’re a couple, but how you go about negotiating it can mean the difference between cuddling on the couch together or sleeping on opposite sides of the bed when you retire for the evening. Being able to productively listen and attend to your partner is key for effective communication, and listening is also a pre-requisite for conflict resolution.

As men in our society, we haven’t been trained real well in matters of emotion and communication. This can create a tenuous backdrop in a relationship with two men operating from the same conditioning. Not only can it be an obstacle to achieving true intimacy, but it can also cause partners to withdraw emotionally, avoid dealing with problems, or become competitive towards one another if not careful.

Listening is a very complex communication skill that is best taught in counseling or coaching sessions and there are literally zillions of manuals and books out there on the subject. I will try to simplify this using the Stop-Look-Listen model that is typically taught to young children with impulse-control issues. And mind you, I am not comparing us gay men to children! But this is a simple framework to operate from and I encourage you to read up on this issue in the other literature out there for more depth. Listening and communication problems are the number one reasons for conflict in relationships, both straight and gay, and this model will help you learn how to be fully present with your partner.

Step 1: STOP!

You and your partner are in the midst of a disagreement; you’re both upset, tempers are beginning to flare, and the verbal lashings are about to begin… STOP! Remember that nothing of any positive consequence can come from an interaction where two people are angry and defensive. You’re not properly attending to the issues because you’re too busy trying to convince your man that you’re right! The first step to productive listening is to defuse any potential conflicts by each of you setting the tone for positive communication and approaching each other with conscious intent for trying to understand each other and define the problem. You may need to take a “Time-Out” before proceeding with your talk to help calm yourself down and get centered. Refer to the article “Calming the Storm In Your Relationship” from the second issue of The Gay Love Coach Newsletter here for how to properly conduct a Time-Out and other anger management strategies.

Step 2: LOOK!

So now you’ve come back together again after your cool-down period all relaxed and ready to be attentive. Great! You and your lover should go to a place free from distractions so nothing will disturb you and face each other, as you are now each going to take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings about your issue at-hand.

One of you will be the speaker and the other will be the listener. No interrupting, Listener! Speaker gets center stage right now—you’ll have your chance later! Speaker should have 3-5 minutes to share his perspective to keep the conversation concise and focused, and this also avoid the monopolizing of “airtime”; typically one partner can be more verbal than the other and this allows equal sharing-time.

[ continued tomorrow ]  

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

More Than Just Friends?. . . . . .Part Two

Gay Relationships: Becoming More Than Just Friends - Part Two

Posted: 15 Jan 2013 05:25 AM PST

( Gay Relationships Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski )

( Continued from yesterday )

"This new guy you’re dating sounds like someone you’re intrigued with and would like to see developing into more than “just friends.” ......

If you’re truly interested in cultivating a relationship beyond friendship with him, then the only way to accomplish this is for you to take the lead and directly express your interest and desires either verbally or through a kiss or some other affectionate gesture that breaks away from the purely “friendship behaviors” that have been exhibited thus far.

Only you can decide if that’s what’s right for you; but if you do choose to let him know how you truly feel, I’d do it quickly!

Don’t let anymore time pass by!  The more time that the two of you invest in each other functioning as you are now, the more your relationship will be defined as “just friends” because any romantic chemistry that existed will diminish over time and he will only view you through the lens of being a pal.

It’s not easy taking the initiative and putting yourself in a position of risk. You will need to decide if he matches your personal requirements for a partner thus far and if the benefits of making your feelings known outweigh the potential costs of making yourself vulnerable. And when you’re dating, let things evolve naturally and address the issues as they come.

It’s important to have boundaries, but try to avoid setting them up so high that there’s no way to let a relationship grow.  Being friends and having separate identities are extremely important for the health of a partnership, so you’re right on for identifying these values as prime for you. But rather than “throwing it all out on the table” within the first few dates by communicating that, perhaps just pace the speed of how things are going by expressing your needs and feelings as they come in the various situations you’ll find yourself in.

Your guy will get the hint. For example, if you’ve gone out on a few dates with someone and he starts giving you hints that he wants to have sex, you could say something like, “I really like you a lot, but I’d like to take things a little slower and get to know each other better first. I’m really attracted to you though, just please be patient.”

Hone your flirting skills, pay attention to body language and eye contact, and assess the guys’ responsiveness to you as clues to a dating partners’ interest. And even when going slow, it’s still important to throw signals of attraction and interest to keep the fires burning and to keep each other validated.

I wish you luck with this! What do you really want from this guy…a friend or a potential boyfriend?

Whatever you decide, go for it and address any fears that may be holding you back. Be the chooser, be assertive! And no matter what happens, the one thing that won’t change is that a friendship has already been established and that’s one more person to add to your support network. My fingers are crossed for you!

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

More Than Just Friends? Part One

Gay Relationships: Are We More Than Just Friends? - Part One Posted: 14 Jan 2013 05:25 AM PST ( Gay Relationships Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski ) Dear Brian: I have been out of the dating scene for 10 years after having been in a long-term relationship for that length and it has since ended. I find it difficult being back on the singles’ market. I currently find myself in a strange situation; I have met a guy through the Internet. On our “first date”, I set the context of our encounter by saying that I thought from having left a long-term relationship that it was important for me to be friends and to be interdependent rather than codependent as was my previous experience. So now seven weeks have passed, we’ve been on a number of dates, but haven’t kissed. I am waiting for him to make a move. I’m fearful and I don’t want to ruin anything if it is meant to be a friendship, although I would like more. How long is too long to know someone before “stepping things up” and how do you decipher whether it’s a friendship or if there’s potential for a relationship? 'Back On The Scene Again' ___________________________________ Dear 'Back On the Scene Again': Yes, it can be quite a difficult challenge when transitioning back into the dating scene after having been in a long-term relationship for the length that you were involved in.  Feeling rusty and out of practice, it can be overwhelming navigating through those waters again, particularly with the difficulties inherent in finding compatible matches. Not only this, you’re likely still going through a grieving process over the loss of your 10-year relationship even though you initiated the breakup. So my first bit of advice to you is to relax and breathe! There’s no rush and it’s a process you have to go through. Becoming preoccupied with the dating challenges will only serve to frustrate you and create more angst and desperation that could sabotage your efforts to find healthy dating partners. Being new to the scene again and wanting “to do it right the first time around” is commendable and it sounds like you’ve done your homework by realizing the importance of pacing and taking things slow. There does need to be a balance with this, however, otherwise many men will perceive a lack of interest if the signals aren’t expressed that you’re interested. This new guy you’re dating sounds like someone you’re intrigued with and would like to see developing into more than “just friends.” While going slow is important, you want to beware of over-thinking it and communicating it too much to the guy you’re seeing. My concern is that it’s possible your guy may have interpreted your statement on the first date of being friends and interdependent as a barrier you put up towards getting close. Try to be mindful of ways you may be projecting your past relationship mistakes onto new dating encounters. It’s important in the early stages of dating that you make the contacts light and gradually build in more self-disclosure as you screen the person to determine their suitability; this way, your disclosures match the level of intimacy that’s developed in your progressive meetings with your new dating partner. It’s possible your statements may have come across as “too heavy” and your guy may have interpreted what you said in such a way that now your relationship with him is defined as purely a friendship because that may be what he thought you were surmising. After two months with no movement, that may be the case. But don’t fret, my friend! All is not lost!  It’s also very possible that he, too, shares your interest, but is waiting for you to make the first move because of what you said and he’s letting you be in control of the pacing since you expressed the need initially.  ( Part Two Tomorrow - "Becoming More Than Just Friends" ) © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

from gaytwogether.com, , , ,thanks

Deepen Your Relationship

Enhance And Deepen Your Gay Relationship

Posted: 11 Jan 2013 05:25 AM PST

Our relationships grow deeper and more fulfilling when we have the ability to express ourselves and to listen more deeply to our partner. Intimacy requires us to become vulnerable to one another. For men, that sometimes seems contrary to everything they’ve learned about how to lead life. The paradox is: we actually become safer when we disarm and open ourselves to our beloved, because he is more likely to disarm and open himself.

Communicating in ways that enhance intimacy requires us to try something new. Let’s try an exercise to deepen your ability to communicate with your partner. Pick a time during the week when you and your partner can both commit to being present with one another, face to face, without distractions. (Turn off the television. If the phone rings, let the answering machine pick it up.) There is no rush......

Start by relaxing for a moment. Maybe it has been a long day. Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Relax. Notice what is going on inside of you. Notice sensations. What are you feeling? Remember that many emotions are a combination of one or more of sad, mad, glad and scared. Are you feeling sad about anything? Angry? Excited, eager or happy? Anxious or scared?

Open your eyes. Decide which of you will share first. The partner who goes first has 5 minutes to talk about what he is feeling without interruption. The listening partner does just one thing – listen. (Don’t confuse listening with eagerly waiting your turn to speak! Give this man your undivided attention.) If you are listening and you are not sure of what your partner is saying, ask him if he could please clarify a bit. Do not give interpretations of what he seems to be feeling, or why he might be feeling something. Just listen.

At the end of 5 minutes, the partner who has listened tells the speaking partner what he heard him speak about his feelings.Again, don’t interpret; the goal is just to make certain that you heard him correctly. The goal is to restate you partner’s feelings without just parroting them back to him. The speaking partner may respond, “Yes, that’s what I was feeling all right.” Or he may respond with “No, I was actually feeling more…” If he restates the feelings, the listening partner will again tell him what he heard. This goes on until the partner who has spoken is satisfied that he’s been heard accurately. Then switch the listening and speaking roles so that the other partner has 5 minutes to speak about his feelings.

This can feel a bit awkward at first, like learning new dance steps. Notice if there are places you get stuck. When you were speaking, did you tell your partner the truth about what you were feeling? If you held something back, why do you think you might have done that? If you had trouble as the listener identifying your partner’s feelings, was it that he wasn’t being clear, or did you find yourself getting distracted by the “internal conversation” inside your own head or heart? Did you find yourself getting defensive and wanting to argue instead of simply listen?

Doing this every week for three months will pay you big dividends in learning more about expressing yourself and listening to the other. You’ll find yourself drawing closer to your partner. Good for you!

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org

Thanks, Michael@gaytwogether.com

“Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”

JASON & DE MARCO celebrting families of diversity

 Relationships: Catapult Your Relationship Goals to Success in 2013!

Posted: 07 Jan 2013 05:25 AM PST

Since many New Year’s Resolutions are broken within the first month, how can you achieve your dating and relationship goals to ensure they are successfully met and not sabotaged along the way?Here are a couple pointers to pave the way toward accomplishing those love-life dreams without a hitch!

For Singles:

The first step is to define your vision for your ideal partner and relationship when developing your dating goals for the New Year. What are the qualities you’re seeking, and of those characteristics, which of those needs are negotiable versus deal-breakers. This then becomes an excellent screening tool when meeting potential dating partners

.

Break out your “inner child” and create a collage or mobile representing this vision by cutting out words, pictures, and symbols from magazines that resonate with these desires and affixing them to a big poster board. Post this “Dating Vision Board” in a location of your home where you’ll view it every day and ask yourself each morning, “What will I do today that will take me one step closer to achieving this particular vision?” And then commit yourself to doing it

.

The next step is to pick one specific goal and break it down into objectives involving behavioral “what-I’m-going-to-do” tasks.A favorite technique is to brainstorm and list all the different things you could do to accomplish your stated goal. Then draw a ladder on a piece of paper and prioritize all your “to do” items from low-level to high-level risk or difficulty. Arrange and write each behavioral objective on the rungs of the ladder and begin your journey up the ladder beginning at the first rung. And then climb your way to success once you’ve mastered each rung one at a time!

For Couples:

A similar approach can be taken with those already partnered. The two of you can discuss your own “Relationship Vision” by identifying your ideal union. It’s always a fun exercise for couples to create the aforementioned vision board/collage together as it facilitates important dialogue about each partner’s needs and dreams in the context of a playful shared activity. You just might learn something new about your partner along the way! This shared vision then becomes your path in which goals and objectives will be created along the way to realize your legacy as a couple.

Another favorite technique is to have what I call a “Relationship Pow-Wow” to ensure your goals don’t get forgotten or misguided. You and your partner would establish a ritual of having a “couple’s meeting” at a regularly scheduled time and frequency in which you would discuss your relationship and goals status. It’s a time to talk about what’s going well, what’s not going so well, your dreams and goals, your progress with stated goals, etc. With this becoming a structured part of your lifestyle, it will always be ascertained that your relationship is being attended to and there will be a consistent forum for the discussion about your relationship quality-of-life. The Pow-Wow is a great way to stay accountable to your relationship goals, so stay true to the process and don’t skip any meetings!

Additional Tips for Your Relationship Goals:

* Make sure your goals are in alignment with your vision, values, passions, and life purpose.

* Keep your goals SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, & Timely)

* Make your goals public. There’s something about telling someone of your intentions that helps motivate us to stick with it when the going gets tough. Hire a life coach!

* Build in incentives and/or consequences for meeting your objectives along the way for motivation enhancement.

All the best on embracing your potential! Go get ‘em, you’ll be great!

Thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com 

Forster Tuncurry vid

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G'day JustinO,

 

Just put together another short vid of a local town... actually, the twin towns of Forster Tuncurry on opposite sides of Wallis Lake in the Great Lakes district about a half hour drive from here. I shot the footage last October so there weren't many peeps about. Different now, though.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6w38X4SDYY&list=UUy-secqbIBfAqPwAk6lAXsg&index=1

 

One of these days I'll shoot some footage of a "cathedral" a bit further south. It's called the Green Cathedral... an open-air church on the shore of a lake surrounded by tall palms and assorted tropical plants... rows of bench seats (logs), pulpit (made of stones), earth aisle, etc, but no walls or roof. They have lots of weddings there because of the lovely atmosphere. Last time I was there on a Sunday, the ground was littered with rose petals from a wedding the day before.

 

Gary