Taking Care of Yourself = Loving Yourself & Life

Age Well, Live Well: Keeping Your Skin Healthy

Posted: 27 Nov 2011 04:30 PM PST

Your skin is your body's first defense against disease and infection, and protects internal organs from injuries. The largest organ in the body, skin helps regulate body temperature, prevents excess fluid loss, and it helps your body remove excess water and salt. (This article is part of the continuing series for GAYTWOGETHER authored by popular Chicago dermatologist Omeed Memar M.D. - Dr. Memar’s practice focuses on good skin care for the LGBT community.) There are a number of ways to keep your skin healthy, and many options available to treat skin problems. Consult a dermatologist if you feel skin treatment is necessary.
Some of the more common skin conditions and tips include:
1. Dry skin in the winter months. Lower air temperatures and humidity combined with forced hot-air heat can cause dryness. To help combat this drying, Dr. Memar recommends: (a) no hot showers or baths; (b) use of mild soaps, and (c) moisturizing your skin immediately after a shower or bath.
2. Acne. Small lesions, blackheads, and whiteheads can be controlled by (a) gently washing the affective area(s) with warm water and a mild soap twice a day to remove dead skin cells and excess oil, and (b) using a topical (applied to the skin) over-the-counter acne treatment containing benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid.
3. Premature aging. Some signs of aging that appear on the skin indicate more than advancing years; they warn of an underlying medical condition. Changes that occur as we age also make us more susceptible to skin conditions, such as shingles and skin cancer. If you spot any of these changes, make an appointment to see a dermatologist. With early detection, many of these conditions are easily treated. If allowed to progress, some conditions can be difficult to control. Melanoma, a type of skin cancer, can be deadly without early treatment. In the United States alone, one person dies from melanoma about every 68 minutes.
4. Eczema. When it comes to treating atopic dermatitis, dermatologists consider moisturizing and gentle cleansing to be indispensable. Yet, a recent survey revealed that 23% of adults living with atopic dermatitis say they do not do not apply moisturizer and 29% do not use a cleanser. The researchers also found that most of the people who participated in the survey wanted more information about moisturizers and cleansers.
5. Skin Cancer. The facts say it all: (a) More than 1 million new cases of skin cancer will be diagnosed in the United States this year, (b) both basal cell carcinoma and squamous cell carcinoma have a better than 95 percent five-year cure rate if detected and treated early, (c) 1 in 5 Americans will develop some form of skin cancer during their lifetime, and (d) five or more sunburns double your risk of developing skin cancer.
6. Rosacea. An estimated 14 million people in the United States have this common skin condition. However, many are unaware that they have rosacea. Most people develop only a few of the signs and symptoms of rosacea, which include: (a) a tendency to blush or flush easily — redness may eventually last longer than 10 minutes; (b) persistent redness in the center of the face that may gradually affect the cheeks, forehead, chin, and nose; (c) Dryness on the face. If you have any of these signs or symptoms, be sure to see a dermatologist. Repeatedly applying a topical steroid — the medication that many people use to calm red, swollen, or itchy skin — often aggravates rosacea.


Dr. Omeed Memar is an author/contributor to GAYTWOGETHER and has a popular and successful dermatology/skin practice in Chicago on Michigan Avenue.  If you have any questions or comments submit them to GAYTWOGETHER  and Dr. Memar will address them in future columns.

Thank you, Michael @ gaytwogether.com

Back to WORK. . CYBER MONDAY

GOOD MORNING, Friends and Neighbors, Boys and Girls [yepper there are a few here. . . ], Companions and Lovers, fellow Dune-sters and would be Playmates. . ..Hello, Everyone!  ;-)

Yes, we did make it back to our regular stomping grounds-away-from-home. . . early enough to still have some energy left.  The snow we left behind. . .that icky stuff. . .is all gone and the temp is nearly 60* F.  Wish the SUN would shine.   Think if we did a rounsing chorus of "Let the Sun Shine" from that old old hippy-era show HAIR it might come OUT?

It was good being home on the Cape. . .really good being with family and all.  Thanksgiving Day was fun. . .just all the family.  On Sunday afternoon my parents had their friends and colleagues in for "a gathering their style. . . .and this time I was not required to be the Go-Fer. . .lol. . . .and the Cougar-Lady was not there.  ;-))

Friday afternoon  Mom and Dad and I left the rest of the family to sort for themselves. . . .besides, Mme Bouvier likes taking over and getting other people organized for meals and all.  We went to Da Silvas for a fmaily visit and a late afternoon dinner.  All of them were there, including Granpa Domineco. . . He, Peter's dad and my dad get into some of the greatest conversations and commentaries of The State of the Nation and allied salient topics.  ;-)

For years and years past it was a matter of discipline that Catholics didn't eat meat on Fridays. . . .and, for the most part, I guess that was rather scrupulously observed.  Catholics in the Boston area and along the East Coast, so I've heard, were often derisively called "mackerel snappers" and other fishy epithets.  Hehehee  Here in a thriving fishing village the abundance of seafood available -- at very reasonable prices -- has never made abstaining from meat a hardship at all. . . and hardly a real "discipline hardship" as some of the "old-timers" like to pretend when talking about the "old days when being Catholic was really difficult". . .LOL

So when the no-meat-on-Fridays changed the Da Silvas just decided they were going to keep observing it. . .and they do.  With the abundance of sea-food of all kinds, and Mama DaSilva who can make almost anything into a meal fit for a king. . ..or a queen, as she has done. . .LOL.  So for Friday dinner we ate wonderful dishes of all sorts and it tasted like "food for the gods". . .They eat well and a great variety of dishes.  Much better, in my tastes, than that miserable old bird, dry and semi-tasteless. . ..and my mother too is a very good cook. . . likewise her mother, Mme Bouvier. . ."it's all in the sauces. . . " and the wines, reds and whites, dry and sweet. to go with the various dishes.  The Da Silvas all partake of the fruit of the vine and no one goes overboard . . .hear it, "overboard" as in drunk on ship.. .in a fishing family. . . LOL. . . so meals at their home never become "unpleasant" from too much of the vine. . . .I like that. 

Thanksgiving Break. . ..a good time was had by  all.  I've got to hustle.

ciao, ciao. . . . .JustinO

GAY MARRIAGE

Hi, all, 

Here is a link to a very cute ad running in Australia for Gay Marriage. 
:-)
justin

GetUp! Australia's Ad Is the Cutest Thing to Happen to Gay Marriage Since ...  Autostraddle  The campaign for marriage equality in Maine also has a series of new ad spots out, which are also touted as promoting a vision of shared values and commitment. The message that flashes on the screen at the end says "Love. Commitment. Marriage. ...  See all stories on this topic »

It's Time in the Land of OZ

Thursday, November 24, 2011 11:07 PM

 

G'day JustinO,

 

Getup in Oz has just released a short video called It's Time - End Marriage Discrimination.

 

http://www.getup.org.au/campaigns/marriage-equality/love-story/watch-the-video?t=dXNlcmlkPTU4MTkwOCxlbWFpbGlkPTQ4Mg%3D%3D

 

Gary

O HAPPY DAY. . . .HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY

BEST WISHES  to each and everyone of you, and to all those near and dear to you. . . .and. . .even to those "not so dear". . if any. ;-)

Mme Bouvier, Peter and I got on the road and home before yesterdays heavy, wet, lousy snow storm in some parst of New England.  Where we left from got dumped on. . .and we leave them to enjoy the shovelling of the wet, heavy, sticky stuff. . .clings to shovels. Weighs a small ton. . .  LOL

Having trusted weather reports the rest of The Tribe got here a tad earlier and were all settled in and the kids had taken over. . . .well, only as much as Mom really lets anyone
take over. . . . as my lovely and favorite [and only] niece and the three nephews grow their territorial needs seem to increase.  [My bro Coopsta from the North Shore actually shudders at the very idea of kids being all over the house and having to deal with them. . . hahahaaaaaaa. . . .I think the Coopsta ought to seriously think about teaching second grade in the Boston public school system. . . HO HO  HO !!!]

The rest of our dinner guests [ooopsss I had a typo and wrote sinner guests. . .. hahahaaaaa. . .. I make no judgments and cast no asparagus!  hehehehe] will start arriving in proper time for a 2 o'clock dinner . .  The ladies -- all four of them -- have shooed everyone out of the kitchen and adjoining pantries. . . .the preliminaries began hours ago, long before my eyes were open.
Of course Peter is with his family. . . .kinda strange he isn't here. . 
like the old old Broadway show-song "I've grown accustomed to his face. . .like beathing in and breathing out. . . . ." and I stop here.
I wonder if any theatre people thought of doing a show similar to but definitely gay "My Fair Laddie". . . ..Oh I know, that is so trite and awful. . . .but one could have fun with it.  [For those with no idea whatever to what I am referring google My Fair Lady. . .or the original Pygmalion. . . .hmmm. . .can that be correct?  ;-)) ]

Hope you all have fun fun fun today. . . ..ciao !  justin 

Happy turkeyday, Justin

FROM:

• Jon 

TO:

• jstn_oshea@yahoo.com

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 12:16 AM

Hello, hello, Dispensing with my usual thoughts, artistry, poetry, and song, I have decided to write you some plain prose, in case the literal can inspire some understanding, and in case you are used to memo reading or reading newspapers or somesuch exercise. It is an old new England custom, but maybe you have not heard of it, to lie in bed after waking and think of ten things to be thankful for before jumping out to greet the rest of the day. Nobody needs any examples of this, since you probably have a habit of it already, but just for fun I made up a list for today, because it is thanksgiving week, and you have to do something when that feeling of gratefulness starts to well up in you for no good reason at all. Here goes: I am thankful for the sunlight released upon the garden through the crashed and krinkled trees. Thankful for the grocer who brought me cherries from Chile, Thankful for the late summer snow which makes our indian summer twice as warm, Thankful for pumpkin pie for breakfast, Thankful for the friends I have known, and finer friends I'll not be knowing. Thankful for having had aunts and uncles, and not living where they are outlawed. Thankful for Roman Plaskota, Norm Beaudry, John and Sally Perkins, and the rock gardeners world wide who gather and donate seed for us. Thankful for the inventors who solved our problems and not just suffered them. Thankful for the angel who rang our bell and asked for work to clear our acres of tree limbs after the storm, so much, so much work. And thankful for another day above ground, a great one. See, it is child's play. --Jonathan Benedictio Mensae - Blessing Before Meals V. Benedíc nos Dómine et haec Túa dóna quae de Túa largitáte súmus sumptúri. Per Chrístum Dóminum nóstrum. Ámen.  V. Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen.

 

Do you pray?. . . ..How?. . . Tell me. . .please.

The subject-line is a quote from a counseling session at the clinic the other day. . ."autre fois". As a matter of policy I do not write about what goes on at the clinic because of privacy-thing, professional ethics, and reasons along that line.  This post comes by way of exception because the subject asked me to write about yesterday's session.  The "subject's" name is Todd.  He is a junior in the college and we have been talking together regularly since the beginning of the term or semester.  We first met when he was a freshman and took the Introductory Psychology class I was teaching that year.  He was a teacher's delight in class. . .he knew when to talk and when to listen.  He wasn't afraid to ask difficult questions, and often brought up hard topics. . . .not in a show-off way, or BMOC-type, but because these were things in which he was genuinely interested and concerned about.

I ran into Todd during orientation days at the end of August and he wanted some time to talk.  I was free and needing some sort of break and exercise so we went for a long walk along some of the x-c ski trails.

He had been doing a lot of serious thinking, he said, and sorting out values and priorities in his life and wondered if we could meet regularly as part of the program at the clinic.  We decided to do this in an organized 

way, with regular times and place for our talks.  He wanted it to be "like for real", not just a chat-time when we happened to run into one another and had some time.

His question yesterday didn't come as a surprise, really, because we had been talking last week about religion and and beliefs.  "Justin, do you pray. . . ."  "Yeah", says I. Says he "How do you pray?  What do you do?  What do you say?. . . .. Who do you 'talk' to. . . .to God. . . ?"

Aside from the regular prayers I learned as a child, and now all the various ritual prayers we use at Church in the various services -  which, by the way, I do try to pray and not just say,  I have learned and try to do a form of meditation or contemplative prayer. . . contemplative being "quiet looking" or " quiet listening". . .
sometimes ths involved a little bit of reading first to quiet myself, and settle down for this meditative prayer.
It takes the average person ten to fifteen minutes to quiet down internally and externally from the busy-ness of our ordinary days.. . and usually one has given up with "prayer time" long before the quieting has had time to happen.

I work on - and prayer is work. . . .try it and you will see - what I call An Attitude of Gratitude - being consciously aware of and responding to the act of being grateful.  In my room at home and at school I have a sign board in my room.  The first one I found one day browsing thru a 'home goods store'. . . My sign was in a barrel with a bunch of other word signs. It is a 5" wide board painted white. . .to look old. . .with three words on it in clear black script: the words are   GOD. . . . GRACE. . . .GRATITUDE.   GOD - however you may believe or conceive of a god or higher power. . .or the universe.  GRACE from the Latin word Gratia = a gift. . we also get the word gracious from this word.  GRATITUDE as a state or condition of recognizing and being able to say and experience thankfulness for gracious gifts.. . .and remember that a gift is always freely given, not something we have to do.

Well, of course, I had to have this board to help remind me of all this above things which I was and still am trying to inculcate into my life.  Eventually I made another board so I could have one at school also.

Now, for the actual prayer-time.  I usually begin with a conscious expression to God of "Thank You" in my own words, just from the heart.  I think this is an act of the will. . . something I choose to do whether I feel
particularly grateful or not.  Get the head off in the right direction and the heart usually follows.

To do this, I use the  alphabet .   Yepper, the ABCs.  ;-)  I begin with A. . .or any letter. . .and I think about all the things, people, happenings  in my life which begin with the letter A.  for which I am grateful. . .a gracious gift in my life beginning with the letter A. . . .and one by one I "rest" in this person, event, idea...and then move along to the next. . .So If I am using the letter P and I think, of course, of PETER. . .and all the reasons why and how I feel grateful for this precious gift. . .special, constant, strong, weak, vulnerable, powerful, funny and the life. . . and then move along. . . .OR if I am pissed off about someone
or something I make the time to work it out, to forgive this person or situation, to be at peace about it.
And the like.

How much time do I spend in any of this?  As long as I need. . . .or have available. . . if not enough time I put it on the 'back burner' and let it quietly simmer. . . .peacefuly simmer. . . and work itself out. . .;-)
It is my life, these are my attitudes I am trying to enhance, improve on, change. . .and I want this all to be real. . .for me. . .not some mechanical "voodoo" I might go thru. . .working to "get it done and out of the way".  For me it is part of good mental health. . . of not allowing stuff to fester and get messy and smelly in some dark corner of my inner man.  You know what that can be like.  ;-)

Two things among many which I have learned. . . and which I think are very important:  I cannot be angry
and grateful at the same time.  Impossible.  Incompatible.  Think about it.

The second thing:  I cannot be fear filled and grateful  at the same time.  It doesn't work; they just don't go together.  Think about it.  ;-)

So, Todd, this is my special time, at least once a day, briefly.  There are points in this we can talk about later, if and when you care to.  How I handle each person, event, thing depends on me and the importance it plays in my life and relationships.

While I was preparing to write this stuff down, from out of the blue and after a long period of silence I get an email  from JON, one of the blog readers. . . he was writing about something similar.  LOL  Well, you will see
for yourself; I shall post JON's email.

So if anything I write here is of any help to you be grateful for the person[s] who taught me.  If not, well then chalk it up to my foolishness.
                                                      ciao, ciao. . . . ..JUSTINO

A Very Happy Thanksgiving to One and All. . .

Tis Better To Give Than Receive

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 11:38 PM

G'day JustinO,

 

Here's a TV ad in Britain that's reducing everyone to tears as a little boy counts down the days, hours, minutes and seconds to Christmas because he can't wait to experience the joy of giving his parents a special present of his own.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhfZFmD1mrQ

 

Gary

 

 

 

John Lewis - The long wait - Adam & Eve.flv

By marcasregistradas| 1 video

1. 
   

Quotes & Quips - Cher

Posted: 21 Nov 2011 05:40 AM PST

"You can wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime it doesn't mean you can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." - Cher

Winning Film

This summer, Philips and the renowned director/producer, Ridley Scott, launched a global filmmaker competition dubbed the:  'Tell It Your Way Film Making Contest'.  

The entrants were given total freedom of expression and could take up any theme they wanted.  But there were two rules in the contest to qualify for the prize that were strictly enforced:

 

1)   Only six lines of dialogue were allowed in the film thus challenging the film maker to show rather than to tell the story.  This insured that the film submissions would portray a story graphically keeping the elements in the story visual.

 

2)   The other rule concerned brevity and challenged the film maker with a time constraint for conveying the story.  Any film submitted in the contest had to be no longer than a total of three minutes.  

Finally after the judging ended, this was the prize-winning entry in the, "Tell It  Your Way" contest.  It is entitled, 'The Porcelain Unicorn.'  The judges were not only impressed with the film but also touched by the human feelings expressed graphically between two strangers.

http://www.porcelainunicorn..com/

Some Personal Ramblings

A pre-Winter's day. . . .
a deep and dark November . . .
Trees are bare, leaves stripped
blown away
huddling in corners
hiding in the bushes
by the chill winds bearing down on us
from way North in the freezing Artic. . .
I hurry . . . .but. . .
"I touch no one and no one touches me. . .
I am a rock. . .
I am an island. . .
I build walls that none may penetrate,
alone in the womb
safe within my tomb. . .
I touch no one and no one touches me
for
I am a rock. . .
I am an island. . . . 
A rock knows no pain . . .

and an island never cries. .  . ."

~~~with some thanks to Paul Simon and Art Garfunkl

Last summer I was poking thru some boxes in the storeroom downstairs. . . and came across this old 78 or was it 33-1/3 record, in its tattered jacket  an album from the days of my parent's  youth when I wasn't even a twinkle in my dad's eyes. . . .yet. . .

I spent a lot of time with that album in those warm days of summer. . . .today, their song is on the back burner of my mind with some variations of my own.  I recorded the album to a CD and have it in my scattered collection of  memorables. . . .For some reason which I haven't deciphered yet it reminds me of a conversation I had the other afternoon with a student at the clinic.

There, these people who come for help of some kind are known as clients. . .patients. . .  my 2 o'clock appointment. . . .I won't use these terms. . . I don't like them. . . these seem, to me, to objectify people who do know pain . . . . who do cry. . . and laugh. . . .and feel . . .

Anyway. . . the student's name. . . .let's call him Todd. . .has been thinking some deep thoughts which I will not. . .and can not tell you about. . . .as such. . . .and from a hundred years ago this line from a song . . and all I remember about it. . ."and by your students you will be taught. . . "  I am writing a reflection in response to a question he asked me. . . . .and it may show up on The Dunes. . . . ;-)  (Todd asked me to write it down. . . ;-). . .)

On Tuesday Peter and I will load Mme Bouvier into the back seat of the FIT and head home to the Cape for the Thanksgiving holidays. . . .It seems like forever since we've been home on The Cape all at the same time.  And. . . ..where has this term gone to. . .?

T.W.U.L.
   j u s t i n




 

You may have seen this article on Yahoo.

FROM:

• radical joe

TO:

• Justin OShea

Message flagged

Friday, November 18, 2011 10:49 PM

 

Justin,

Don't know if you have seen this, just scares the crap out of anyone that
is a republican.............

Joe Galant

..SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Army Capt. Stephen Hill says he wasn't trying
to score political points when he asked the Republican presidential
candidates if they would reinstate the ban on gays serving openly in
the U.S. military.

He wasn't worried that his debate question, posed via a YouTube video
recorded in Iraq, would generate boos or reveal his sexual orientation
to millions of people, including his superiors and fellow troops.

All Hill was thinking about in September was his husband of
four-and-a-half months, Joshua Snyder, in Columbus, Ohio.

Now that "don't ask, don't tell" has been lifted, he needed to know if
the military would take the next step and recognize his marriage, or
if a new president would try to force soldiers like him back into the
closet.

"I was looking forward to the future and hoping everybody would
realize we are soldiers first, always," said Hill, 41, an Army
reservist who returned last week from his yearlong deployment. "I was
hoping 'don't ask, don't tell' would be a distant memory for
everybody."

In an interview with The Associated Press, Hill reflected publicly for
the first time on his reasons for submitting the pre-recorded question
for the Sept. 22 debate, as well as his reaction to the heckles heard
around the world; the answer that former Sen. Rick Santorum gave to
thunderous applause; and the outrage expressed on his behalf by, among
others, his commander in chief.

With Snyder on the telephone, Hill watched the debate live from Iraq
at 4 a.m. And this is what he asked: "In 2010, when I was deployed to
Iraq, I had to lie about who I was because I'm a gay soldier and I
didn't want to lose my job. My question is, under one of your
presidencies, do you intend to circumvent the progress that's been
made for gay and lesbian soldiers in the military?"

Santorum replied that he would reinstitute the ban on open service by
gay troops because "any type of sexual activity has absolutely no
place in the military."

"What we are doing is playing social experimentation with our military
right now. That's tragic," he continued. "Leave it alone. Keep it to
yourself whether you are heterosexual or homosexual."

Hill says the fact that he just outed himself on national television
had barely registered when he absorbed the boos and Santorum's answer
followed by applause.

"When the actual booing occurred, my gut dropped out, because my first
inclination was, did I just do something wrong?" he said. "The answer,
obviously, wasn't very supportive of gay people, and there was a lot
of fear of how the Army would take the question."

He did not have to wait long to find out. At breakfast later that
morning, the segment was playing on the chow hall television. Hill
immediately tracked down his commander, who told him she had no
problem with what he'd done but that she would need to run it up the
chain of command. She later relayed the response.

"She said, 'What the military's most concerned with is that you are
OK, because it's a lot of pressure on you and we want to make sure if
there is anything we can do to help,'" he recalled.

President Barack Obama, about a week later, chided the Republican
contenders for staying silent when several people booed an American
soldier. Santorum said he had not heard the booing but condemned the
audience members who did it.

What Hill remembers most was that a presidential candidate defined his
marriage and military service in terms of sex. He holds that up
against the times he hid Snyder's photograph because Army buddies were
coming over to play video games, introduced his husband as his
roommate or brother, and the legal vows they exchanged at the grave of
Air Force Sgt. Leonard Matlovich, who was discharged in 1975 after
becoming the first gay service member to challenge the U.S. military's
ban on gay troops.

Snyder and Hill last month joined other same-sex military couples in
suing the government for the same benefits as straight military
couples, which the Pentagon denies them on grounds that federal law
defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman.

"This is not about sex," Hill said. "A special privilege is not hiding
pictures in my house or God forbid, taking mortar fire again and not
knowing if Josh will be recognized. I'm fighting every day to protect
everyone's rights as human beings, and it seems counterintuitive for
me to be fighting for those rights and not have them.

JOE. . .thanks for sending this article!

Reading this makes me cringe. . . It still

isn't safe.  Santorum is such a dork!  Imagine,

saying he didn't hear the boooos. . .duuh ! Never should have happened and how did he not hear?  Hello. . . . .

"it" still isn't safe "out there", is it.  We'd like to think so but

we do that at our own risks.

Still a lot of work to do!  These soldiers are brave!

 

justin

Towel-ettes . .. or Slipping Burqua

Still single ? Part 2

Gay Relationships: Why Am I Still Single? Part Two

Posted: 15 Nov 2011 06:20 AM PST

[ continued from yesterday ]
How To Increase Your Odds of Finding True Love
1. Be the best person you can be. Live your life to the fullest with no expectations of a relationship. You may be trying too hard at finding love and that can be sabotaging. Lead an active and fulfilling lifestyle with purpose, meaning, and passion, and like-minded people will be attracted and drawn to your energy. Build your support system too and keep dreaming big! Throw yourself into personal growth and boost your self-esteem and confidence and eliminate any fears you may have.
2. Know yourself completely and develop your vision. This is the most important step! Be very clear about who you are, what you want, and how you’ll get it. Do this not only for your individual life, but also create a relationship and life partner vision. What are your needs, wants, values, and requirements for both? What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable? Be very specific.
3. When you begin dating, use this vision as your guide. Collect information and experiences from the men you date to gain a solid knowledge of who they are and make sure they’re in alignment with your vision. At the first sight of a non-negotiable trait they possess, disengage to avoid getting more invested and keep searching. A lot of people ignore these signs and then they get in too deep. Avoid this trap!
4. Explore your past relationships with men. Do you see any patterns in the types of men you’re attracted to or the type of relationships you’ve had? Are you continually getting involved with emotionally unavailable men? Are you projecting your own issues onto these men? Are you really ready for a relationship as much as you may want it? Do you have any unfinished business from a prior relationship that prevents you from being able to grieve it and let it go? These are all things to consider as you do your self-analysis.
5. Identify your relationship beliefs. These pre-conceived notions and thoughts may be holding you back and sabotaging your efforts. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts might include: “All the good ones are taken”; “Gay relationships don’t last”; “I failed at relationships before, so I will again”; “Gay men can’t commit. I’ll be alone forever”, etc. Work at creating new beliefs to dispute these and gather evidence to prove these negative ones wrong.
Conclusion
So in a nutshell, work aggressively at the above points and you’ll be at a good starting point. Other things to consider might be to live your life to the max and a relationship will happen when you’re not pressuring yourself so much because you’re happy and living with purpose. Become really attractive “on the inside” and you will attract similar people (The Law of Attraction).
Be visible, take risks and stretch out of your comfort zone, develop skills to boost your confidence and cope with feelings of loneliness, develop solid boundaries, and always stay true to your vision no matter what. Good luck with your quest! One good catch deserves another!
© Brian L. Rzepczynski
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

~~~~thanks Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com
 

Gay Relationships: Why Am I Still Single? Part One "I’m so fed up with being a “nice guy” and getting nowhere for it. I continue to be perplexed by my situation and want to understand better why others act the way they do, what I am doing wrong, and what things I can do to improve myself. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I’m not a model, but I’m often told by people that I’m “hot” and how nice and sweet I am. I am passionate and good in bed and believe I have a good personality and sense of humor. I have my own place, a new car, a great job, and I’m very successful in my career that holds a lot of promise for more growth and success. So I guess my biggest question is why am I alone? I treat the guys I have gone out with really well. Yet, it never seems to be enough. I just want to build a life with someone who has ambition, dreams, and who will love me and look out for me as I would for him." - ( Gay Man, age 29 ) This young man is not alone with his predicament. Millions of singles, both gay and straight, face the same frustrations and challenges involved in their dating quests for their true life partners. Finding a compatible, quality guy to settle down with is one of the most important decisions you'll make, so it's important to assess how your dating experiences and choices are matching with your needs and goals, particularly if you've been dealing with a series of dating mishaps and dissatisfactions. The question of “why am I still single?” is a very complex issue that can’t be done justice with answering in a short article, but this piece will package some key points that will hopefully get you started with figuring out your own situation if you're pondering this common question; perhaps it will become a launching pad for you in approaching your dates differently.  Reasons Why We're Still Single It certainly can be challenging trying to find a decent man to build your life with, someone who’s got a good head on his shoulders and who’s been able to overcome a lot of the garbage we gay men have to go through to feel ok about ourselves in this homophobic society. You feel like you're a motivated person with lots of potential and possibility ahead of you, driven to succeed and achieve.You also believe that you're a "good catch" and know that you have a lot to contribute and give in a romantic relationship if given the opportunity. But how do you find that in another guy? There are a multitude of reasons why someone may still be single when they truly desire a relationship. Maybe they keep attracting the same kind of partner who’s wrong for them, or they’re unrealistic in their standards, or they have weak social and dating skills, or they fear losing their personal freedom, among many others. Many gay men have a difficult time establishing and maintaining intimate relationships because of internalized homophobia or intimacy fears. And then it becomes very easy to take on a "victim mentality" and become overly-focused on the flaws of the men we date. Taken a step further, one can then begin developing beliefs like "It's never going to happen for me; they always turn out to be such losers" or "Gay men aren't capable of having long-term relationships", among others. These are all false, of course, but easily born out of frustration and hopelessness. The truth is, we can’t change other people. What's most important at this juncture is to relax, take the emphasis off of the other guys and why they are the way they are, and put your energy into examining the role that you may play in this problem, because that’s where the key to success is in you taking charge of your life and making personal changes where they’re needed. Below are some suggestions to get you started in the right direction: [ continued tomorrow ] - How To Increase Your Odds of Finding True Love © Brian L. Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com ~~~~thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

"Repetition is the Mother of Learning " - a repeat

HAVE A GARBAGE-FREE DAY

It can be so obvious, but for some reason or other some of us allow others to dump their garbage on us and we wear it the rest of the day! In other words, we allow others to define who we are, how we are going to live, how we are going to feel about ourselves and others. . . which way too often ruins our day or life . . all because we allow others to tell us who we are.

Subject: LESSON OF THE DAY.......IGNORING OTHER'S GARBAGE!!

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck'. He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so ... Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Have a garbage-free day!

Penn State. . . the day after. . .

COMMUNITY WHERE YOU FIND IT

This past week an university campus has been rocked, shocked. knocked about by sexual abuse scandal, allegations, revelations, firings, investigations.  The national media has spared no efforts to dig out, reveal

all the sordid details and has repeated these over and over.  Penn State University - that bastion of tradition, honor, has been exposed to the world in all its shame because of the action and inaction on the part of the university leadership in dealing with "our dirty little secrets".

Anyone who lives in an academic community, all those in the ranks of currents student body, alumni, friends, families. . . ..anyone with half an active brain and who are in touch with the emotional tremors of each in our various local academic communities can by appropriation understand the high level of anxiety, fear, anger, disgust, disappointment among the Penn State community.  There have been various levels of expressing all these emotions . . . emotions which arise from the heart of any community in time of crisis, honor or dishonor.

. . . .protests, shows of support and solidarity, a natural pulling together facing such allegations whether in small groups across campus, or in angry outbursts which could have lead to severe and greater violence, to candle-light vigils for prayer, in whatever form, flowing from our instinctual desire to hold together, to support and uphold "the community wherever we find it".

Yesterday's football game at Penn State was a highly charged situation coming at the end of a tumultuous week of crashing and crushing proportions.  When the team arrived at the stadium emotions were running very high and that event. . . .a football game. . .took on super-proportions for all those there and for the many many watching on TV.. . . . even coming onto the field without the physical leadership of their much loved and respected  legendary coach of over 46 years - Mr. Joe Paterno - was a highly-felt sign or symbol of the current status of that community.   Some would perhaps say "For God's sake, it's only a stupid football game. after all. . . ."  "Yeah but. . ." this football game, in particular, for the Penn State Community was an emotion charged expression of who Penn State is.  . . .and the like.  From almost deep primal roots within the community we find means to express those things important to us.

Collegiate football players do not PRAY  -- at least not publicly -- for a win, a victory over their opponents.

Yesterday they chose to show publicly this powerful gesture by young men, both teams, kneeling together with great dignity and respect,  in a physical sign in thunderous silence. . . .a prayer attitude.  What they were doing did not need to be explained to those watching . . . . the sign, symbol spoke eloquently. . .a people on their knees before God and one another in a time of great communal need. . . .the symbol itself. . young men, both teams and staff, kneeling, bowed heads, in silence speaks powerfully to those with eyes to see and hearts to hear.

My facetious question/ photo caption  "Is this still allowed?. . . . Try and stop 'em !" is answered by what they did.

                 Justin O'Shea

Gay Relationships: Gay Men And Masculinity

Posted: 08 Nov 2011 09:02 PM PST

Gay men have an ambivalent attitude towards masculinity. The word comes up all the time in personal ads – you know, “masculine guy seeks same.” We often equate masculine with sexy. At the same time, many gay men privately worry they are somehow deficient in the manliness department, no matter how much time they spend at the gym.

So what is masculinity, anyway – a hairy chest and the ability to change the oil in your car yourself? Being congenitally unable to ask for directions when lost? Can you be “too masculine?” Is being a top somehow more masculine than being a bottom?

One of the ways homophobes misunderstand gay men is in assuming we secretly want to be women. Gay men sometimes respond with camp humor, calling one another “girl” or “she.” This is a funny way of defusing hate directed toward us, but it can cause us to become confused in relation to how we feel about being men.

Growing up, gay boys are sometimes taunted with words like “sissy,” that imply they are deficient in the masculinity department. Many of the images of gay men in the media are unmanly in way that’s supposed to be funny – La Cage aux Folles, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Small wonder that one of the things that so upset the ‘phobes about Brokeback Mountain was the image of two virile men with their lips locked on one another. More than one right wing critic has speculated that John Wayne must have been spinning in his grave.

What characteristics do you associate with the word masculine? It’s easy to over-generalize about gender roles, but it’s clear that some qualities are positive and some are negative. On the plus side, being masculine is often associated with strength and competence, as well as secondary sexual characteristics like big muscles and lots of body hair. On the negative side, manly men often seem over-aggressive, stubborn, close-minded…perhaps not too bright.

Since gay men are attracted to other men – duh – a certain amount of testosterone is inherently attractive to gay guys. A gay man is a man’s man! Not a problem unless we fetishize hyper-masculinity. Many of the qualities that lead us to see a man as manly may make him a great sexual fantasy, but a questionable candidate for a flesh-and-blood relationship.

Successful relationships typically require an ability to empathize or support your partner when he needs it – qualities that are more often associated with women than lumberjacks or fighter pilots. Sometimes our first choice for a sweaty fantasy isn’t our best choice for a partner.

We gay men wound ourselves when we learn to think of masculinity as something that resides outside of our own selves when we see other men as masculine, but not our selves. This is more likely to happen when our view of masculinity has become too narrow and too focused on physical parts (the size of this or the amount of that).

A broader sense of what it means to be a man can allow us to cultivate other masculine qualities in ourselves: the ability to take action, for instance, to master tasks that are important to us (regardless of whether that task is changing a tire or cooking a fabulous coq au vin), to pay at least as much attention to developing our inner strength as to inflating our pecs.

Men are sometimes advised to get in touch with their “inner feminine.” Maybe gay men need to get in touch with their “inner masculine” instead. Identifying those aspects of being a man we most value and then cultivate those parts of our selves can lead to a healthier and less distorted sense of our own masculinity.

John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHERor John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

~~~~ thanks, MICHAEL @gaytwogether.com

Still allowed?. . . . Try and stop 'em ! ;-)

PENN STATE and NEBRASKA players pray at midfield before kick-off. . . . Sometimes simplicity of action speaks eloquently.

Baseball

Just a note on Baseball.

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Saturday, November 12, 2011 12:06 AM

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  Justin,

I know Baseball Season is over.  Just read that Venezeula(I think it is
sorta of spelt like that)  my spell check went away when puters
crashed in May, Wilson Ramos of the Washington Nationals was
rescued  by their police.  People cannot live in peace.

Also found out that Paul O'Neill that played with Yankees, was inducted
into the Irish American Baseball Hall of Fame.  You may have known
that.  Just passing the Irish along----I love Baseball.

Joe Galant