SAN FRANCISCO – Proponents of California's same-sex marriage ban filed a motion Monday seeking to vacate the historic ruling that overturned Proposition 8 because the federal judge who wrote it is in a long-term relationship with another man.
Lawyers for the ban's backers said that Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker should have removed himself from the case, or at least disclosed his relationship status, to avoid a real or perceived conflict of interest.
"Only if Chief Judge Walker had unequivocally disavowed any interest in marrying his partner could the parties and the public be confident that he did not have a direct personal interest in the outcome of the case," attorneys for the coalition of religious and conservative groups that put Proposition 8 on the November 2008 ballot wrote.
They are now asking the judge who inherited the case when Walker retired at the end of February to toss out Walker's August 2010 decision. The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals already is reviewing its legal merits at the request of the voter-approved measure's sponsors.
Walker has said that he did not consider his sexual orientation to be any more a reason for recusal than another judge's race or gender normally would be. A spokeswoman said Monday that the judge wouldn't comment on the motion.
American Foundation for Equal Rights President Chad Griffin, whose group has funded the legal effort to strike down Proposition 8, scoffed at the notion that the judge's personal life could imperil his ruling.
Griffin noted that the Obama administration recently had decided to stop defending the federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage after determining that it, too, was unconstitutional.
"This motion is another in a string of desperate and absurd motions by the proponents of Proposition 8, who refuse to accept that the freedom to marry is a Constitutional right," he said.
Walker, a 67-year-old Republican appointee, declared Proposition 8 to be an unconstitutional violation of gay Californian's civil rights last summer.
Rumors that the judge was gay circulated during the 13-day trial that preceded his decision and after he handed down his ruling.
Lawyers for Protect Marriage, the coalition that sponsored Proposition 8, however, had purposely refrained from raising his sexual orientation as a legal issue until Monday.
But they decided it gave them grounds for getting Walker's decision struck down after the judge disclosed his 10-year relationship this month to a group of courthouse reporters, Protect Marriage general counsel Andy Pugno.
The issue is not that Walker is gay, but that his relationship status made him too similar to the same-sex couples who sued for the right to marry, Pugno said.
"We deeply regret the necessity of this motion. But if the courts are to require others to follow the law, the courts themselves must do so as well," Pugno added.
Indiana University Law School professor Charles Geyh, an expert on judicial ethics, said he was strongly inclined to agree with Walker that a judge's sexual orientation is irrelevant to his ability to render a fair decision.
Without more evidence that Walker stood to personally benefit if same-sex marriages were legal in California, the Proposition 8 defense team's raising of his relationship is likely to fail or could even backfire, Geyh said.
"It really implies it would be fine if he were essentially surfing at bars and had a new partner every night because he wouldn't want to be married," he said. "I don't see that as advancing their cause."
Proposition 8's sponsors also have been trying to get the federal appeals court to order Walker to return his personal video copy of the trial. The judge has been using a three-minute segment of a defense witness being cross-examined for a lecture he's been giving on cameras in the courtroom.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
TRUMP - the FRUMPY DORQUE
Posted: 28 Apr 2011 06:08 AM PDT
“Trump is sending the message to the 1 million gay couples who are raising approximately 2 million kids in the United States that they shouldn’t be treated equally,”
Rosie O’Donnell will not be staying at the Trump Chicago hotel while she tapes her new talk show for the Oprah Winfrey Network, a rep for O’Donnell told The Advocate on Tuesday.
Last week, O’Donnell mentioned on a radio show that she was going to stay at the Trump property while looking at real estate options.
But that was before the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) called for a boycott of all of Trump’s businesses because of his position against LGBT rights.
“Rosie O’Donnell has sent an important message to the majority of Americans — gay and straight — who don’t agree with Donald Trump’s statements against marriage equality for all loving and committed couples,” said GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios.
“Fair-minded people should think twice about supporting a businessman who courts our dollars but advocates denying gay and lesbian couples protections that all families need to take care of each other.”
GLAAD has launched the “Tune Out Trump” campaign, calling on the LGBT community and its allies to boycott his his television shows, hotels, resorts, and golf courses.
“Trump is sending the message to the 1 million gay couples who are raising approximately 2 million kids in the United States that they shouldn’t be treated equally,” said GLAAD.
Rosie O’Donnell will not be staying at the Trump Chicago hotel while she tapes her new talk show for the Oprah Winfrey Network, a rep for O’Donnell told The Advocate on Tuesday.
Last week, O’Donnell mentioned on a radio show that she was going to stay at the Trump property while looking at real estate options.
But that was before the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) called for a boycott of all of Trump’s businesses because of his position against LGBT rights.
“Rosie O’Donnell has sent an important message to the majority of Americans — gay and straight — who don’t agree with Donald Trump’s statements against marriage equality for all loving and committed couples,” said GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios.
“Fair-minded people should think twice about supporting a businessman who courts our dollars but advocates denying gay and lesbian couples protections that all families need to take care of each other.”
GLAAD has launched the “Tune Out Trump” campaign, calling on the LGBT community and its allies to boycott his his television shows, hotels, resorts, and golf courses.
“Trump is sending the message to the 1 million gay couples who are raising approximately 2 million kids in the United States that they shouldn’t be treated equally,” said GLAAD.
“He wants their viewership for his shows and their money at his properties — gay and lesbian travelers spend an estimated $17 billion a year for tourism — but Trump doesn’t want to allow them the same dignity and respect as all loving couples and families. This is both an unfair and unwise business practice.”
In an interview with the the Des Moines Register in March, Trump was asked his position on marriage and civil benefits for gays. “As of this moment, I would say no and no,” he replied.
In an interview with the the Des Moines Register in March, Trump was asked his position on marriage and civil benefits for gays. “As of this moment, I would say no and no,” he replied.
Source: our friends & one of our favorite sites:
LGBTQNATION
LGBTQNATION
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Posted: 26 Apr 2011 06:05 AM PDT
Former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) opposes gay marriage, opposes civil unions, wants to reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” and tells FOX News’ Chris Wallace that gays have the “right” to “employment” (and paying taxes, presumably), but deserve no “privileges.”
http://gaytwogether.typepad.com/gaytwogether/2011/04/presidential-hopeful-rick-santorum-goes-on-record-no-privileges-for-gays-and-lesbians-video.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+typepad%2FkOUc+%28GAYTWOGETHER%29
http://gaytwogether.typepad.com/gaytwogether/2011/04/presidential-hopeful-rick-santorum-goes-on-record-no-privileges-for-gays-and-lesbians-video.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+typepad%2FkOUc+%28GAYTWOGETHER%29
If Ricky Sanctus Sanctorum Holy of Holies Santorum ever gets elected president it would be cuz he really had the following and the vote. . . . if he does. . . .phew!. . . get ready for "a day of reckoning".
With his sanctimonious crap=speak WE ALL will be living in the Snake Pit. . .at the lowest level of society. . . .if they have their way and we are allowed to stay. . . .are we as a nation as bankrupt to elect the likes of this Holy Roller.????
G-d, help us! HELP RICKY OUT !
Monday, April 25, 2011
Oh ! Oh! Judge got caught. . . . . .tsk...tsk. . . .tsk. . ..
Judge's gay partner raised in Proposition 8 case
AP – In this photo taken Nov. 19, 2010, Chief District Judge Vaughn R. Walker, of the Northern District of … It's All Small Stuff !
Posted: 25 Apr 2011 06:08 AM PDT
Is everything he says bugging you? You look at him and can’t see the person you fell for? You know what’s coming out of his mouth before he’s even said it, and worse, you’re irritated before you even hear it?Relax, it’s pretty common. The honeymoon could be over and you’re getting comfortable or worse yet, fidgety. It happens to everyone as they realize the super sexy guy they’re with actually has some faults and maybe, just maybe he’s not so perfect after all.
So maybe he’s reactions are becoming a little too predictable for your liking, perhaps he’s not willing to budge on dumping those ankle socks when wearing shorts. Basically what he’s telling you is that he’s not willing to be railroaded. At this point of his life he knows what he likes and it’s working for him. If he actually tells you this, then listen. It’s actually a good thing.
As for knowing what he’s going to say next... That’s what happens when you get to know someone well, whether it be a friend or a lover. You can probably place bets that if he’s seriously into you, he’ll be able to tell what’s going to come out of your mouth 9 times out of 10 also.
Relationships take work and some more if they’re to be successful. There are going to be days when every single word out of his mouth will just drive you up the wall, when you look at him and wonder what the hell you’re doing, when you think to yourself, “why am I being such a bitch”. It’s all part of the journey. Don’t think that he won’t be doing the same thing, because he will (hopefully not at the same time).
Be kind to yourself, know when to walk away and take some gym time, self time, book time, whatever it is that’s needed. But also know that you have every right to open up to him and tell him what ‘s going on in that head of yours. The result will most probably lead to you both laughing about it and the tension dissipating faster than you could have imagined.
Even if it’s uncomfortable, try breaking the destructive habit of past mistakes where things (sometimes things we don’t even understand) are left to fester and become bigger than the initial irritations they begin as.
Article By: Hallil Thompson
Halil is a UK transplant who has lived in Southern California for the past 5 years, having spent the previous 10 years living in San Francisco. His career background to date has been in Commercial Insurance, Social Work and Counselling. Hallil spends his free time hiking, running, reading, writing, camping and kayaking. Having been around the block a few times on the dating circuit on both sides of the Atlantic, Hallil is looking forward to sharing his observations within the sphere of the gay dating world and relationships. He can be contacted at: hallil.thompson@gmail.com
~thanks Michael. . gaytwogether.com
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Catholics for Equality
Some may find some interest here. . . ;-) Thanks, Stephen.
Hi Justin,
Thought you might be interested in this.
http://catholicsforequality.org/
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001439567198#!/profile.php?id=100001439567198&sk=photos
Stephen
Hi Justin,
Thought you might be interested in this.
http://catholicsforequality.org/
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001439567198#!/profile.php?id=100001439567198&sk=photos
Stephen
Chez Mme Bouvier . . . .
Hello Tout le Monde. . Hey there ALL Y'ALL:
This a "break from tradition". . . .from "the olde ways". . LOL. I didn't go home for the longish Easter weekend. I stayed here at Gram's, and not home on The Dunes. They'll just have to do without me. . . hahaaa
Peter drove up late Thursday and will be here until Tuesday. We have several "irons in the the fire". . .things we've been working on for several months. . . .things we've day-dreamed about, discussed and yes, even argued about. . .but always without bloodshed. . hehe.
So our plans and our future is now all falling into place. . . .after all the work and daring to "do something new. . .different. . ." hehehe
Not quite ready, yet, to tell Y'ALL what we are up to. . . .but soon. .
after the last peg is in place. ;-))
And I am pleading with Mother Nature to please let up, let go and move on with her Winter crapola. It has been wet, cold, dark, even spitting snow the other day. . . Enough already. . . "Let the SUN SHINE. . . let the sun shine. . .all over us. . . .Chant you mantra, guys. . .Let it SHIIIIIINNNNNEEEE. hmmm
Justin. . .suffering from Winteritis. . . and stuff. . .LOL
This a "break from tradition". . . .from "the olde ways". . LOL. I didn't go home for the longish Easter weekend. I stayed here at Gram's, and not home on The Dunes. They'll just have to do without me. . . hahaaa
Peter drove up late Thursday and will be here until Tuesday. We have several "irons in the the fire". . .things we've been working on for several months. . . .things we've day-dreamed about, discussed and yes, even argued about. . .but always without bloodshed. . hehe.
So our plans and our future is now all falling into place. . . .after all the work and daring to "do something new. . .different. . ." hehehe
Not quite ready, yet, to tell Y'ALL what we are up to. . . .but soon. .
after the last peg is in place. ;-))
And I am pleading with Mother Nature to please let up, let go and move on with her Winter crapola. It has been wet, cold, dark, even spitting snow the other day. . . Enough already. . . "Let the SUN SHINE. . . let the sun shine. . .all over us. . . .Chant you mantra, guys. . .Let it SHIIIIIINNNNNEEEE. hmmm
Justin. . .suffering from Winteritis. . . and stuff. . .LOL
JOY FILLED EASTER
Those of us Christians who celebrate Easter wish for ourselves and for everyone the HOPE, love, joy, assurance, that is at the heart of this Rising of Jesus from death to New Life. The Hebrew Scriptures in Isaiah hold out this hope: "LOOK! I make everything NEW. The old ways have passed! Can't you see it ? It is springing up all around you. . . LOOK!"
So I wish for ALL of US a new look at life and freedom. In Jesus we have the assurance of God's love and acceptance. "He became like us that we might become like Him!"
So I wish for ALL of US a new look at life and freedom. In Jesus we have the assurance of God's love and acceptance. "He became like us that we might become like Him!"
In becoming fully human - like us - He shows us the way to joy, acceptance, peace and love in and thru our being fully human. With Jews and Christians the celebration of Passover and Easter is a festival of FREEDOM. . . .Jesus set us free. It is for us to accept to be FREE, fully human, and dare to LIVE as a new creation. . "The old has passed away. . . Can't you. will you look and see it? I make all things NEW."
HAPPY EASTER !
I removed the picture from this post since I did not have the artist's permission to use it. I slipped on this one. . ;(
I removed the picture from this post since I did not have the artist's permission to use it. I slipped on this one. . ;(
This copy of art work by Steve Walker (http://stevewalkerartist.com) speaks to me in many of his paintings about God -Us-Being Fully Human. I see in these pictures G-d working in us, around us, thru us.. . . .showing us how good it can be to be fully human, fully alive.
En Joy. . .
justin
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
For Guys 40+. . . . part 2
Posted: 17 Apr 2011 08:46 PM PDT
Midlife is sexy! Here's Part 2 of the seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!STEP 3: DESTROY THE MONSTER IN YOUR HEAD
What we say to ourselves impacts our mood and behavior. The “monster in your head” is that little voice that whispers (and sometimes screams) negative statements about yourself and the world around you. Our internal dialogue impacts whether we look at life through a lens of optimism and hope versus pessimism and negativity. Examine your self-talk as it pertains to being middle-aged and your views on dating and gay men. Create a list of all the thoughts that come to mind about these topics unedited. If you have such thoughts as “I’m too old to find love”, “All the good ones are taken”, “I’m going to be all alone”, or “Nobody will find me attractive, I’m 50!” then your monster needs an ass-kicking.
Don’t fall into the trap of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Begin creating a list of counter-statements or affirmations that will defeat this negative thinking. The more you believe these myths about midlife dating, the more you are setting yourself up for sabotage and it’s important to begin challenging these beliefs by taking stock of true-life success stories or by taking risks and creating your own triumphant victory. Refuse to be held victim to such deprecating thoughts and start developing a mindset around midlife as a positive time in your life to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
STEP 4: EMBRACE YOUR AGE
There’s no point becoming preoccupied with your youth “in the days gone by.” You’re as young as you feel and resisting the fact that life changes will only keep you arrested in your development and is a recipe for unhappiness and regret. Learn to accept all the physical and emotional changes that accompany midlife and be proud of who you are and your story. Do your best to reduce ageism and ensure that you yourself are not behaving in ways that perpetuate this type of discrimination. For example, if you utilize personal ads as a venue for seeking dating partners, make sure you are honest about all aspects of yourself and don’t fudge on your age. This will increase your odds of attracting more compatible people responding to your ad; remember, it’s quality and not the quantity of your responses.
STEP 5: ALIGN YOURSELF WITH THE RIGHT VENUES
Where do you meet other quality guys?! No matter what your age, this is one of the most common questions surrounding dating and it all boils down to your vision and values. While picking up other men in bars could be a viable approach, it’s a difficult setting to do so because there are so many guys to have to sift through and screen to determine their suitability with your vision for a life partner. The key is to match your values, needs, preferences, and life purpose with a venue that has some of these qualities and characteristics. This way, you’re surrounded by other men who share at least some semblance of your vision; that makes you one step closer to possibly finding someone who’d be a “good fit.” Examples might be volunteering for a worthy cause or advocacy center, joining a support group, participating in a sporting club, becoming active in a gay-friendly church, signing on to a personal ads site that caters to the middle-aged crowd, etc. The possibilities are endless, but self-knowledge about your vision and passions is a critical key to its success.
STEP 6: BUILD YOUR SUPPORT TEAM & MENTORSHIP CLUB
Nothing helps you through the trials and tribulations of dating better than a solid support system of friends and people who care about you. Invest in current and new relationships with friends and family to give you that boost and sense of connection that we all need. Make sure to look for other midlife gay men who display positive dating lifestyles or older gay couples who can be looked upon as role models to keep them visible in your mind and to help motivate you to see the possibilities that abound. You could even become a mentor yourself to a younger gay man to “give back” in some way and form other positive alliances.
STEP 7: BE PROACTIVE AND HAVE THE RIGHT STUFF
Dating is not a passive activity. You must be proactive and go after what you want or the likelihood of success is minimized. Develop a strong resource bank of dating skills and behaviors that will promote the chances of more positive outcomes. Strengthen your social skills, build more assertiveness and comfort with boundaries, enhance your self-esteem and body image, resolve unfinished business from the past, and get yourself into good physical and emotional shape. Get yourself armed and ready for love!
Conclusion - Gay dating success can be yours in midlife, and at any age! By incorporating these seven steps into your dating plan, you’re well on your way to increasing the odds of success. Know yourself, develop a positive and optimistic mindset, build your repertoire of dating skills and behaviors, and live your life to the fullest! This can be the best time of your life; don’t waste another minute!
Back to: PART ONE
For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest.
· For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills: “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006.
· Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife: “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000.
· http://www.graygay.com -and- http://www.grayandgay.com
Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.
©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski
©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski -Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
~~~~~thanks to Brian and to Michael at gaytwogether.com
Roommate Charged with Hate Crime in NJ Suicide
RAVI indicted in harassment/ hate crime on 15 counts. . .
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110420/ap_on_re_us/us_rutgers_suicide
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110420/ap_on_re_us/us_rutgers_suicide
Monday, April 18, 2011
For the 40+ Guys. . . . part 1
Posted: 17 Apr 2011 08:44 PM PDT
Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects. The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys.
Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!”
It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch!
So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!
STEP 1: CREATE YOUR VISION
No matter what your age, this is the most critical first step. It’s very important that you take the time to develop a clear and vivid image of who you are and what you want out of your life, including your dating life. Are you seeking a long-term relationship and a life partner or just casual dating? What does the rest of your life look like? What would your ideal partner be like and how would your relationship function?
Your answers to such questions will help give you the direction you need to accomplish your goals, giving you a measuring stick to keep you on track and assess your status. How much of a gap exists between your idealized vision and your current reality?
Do the work that’s needed to bridge that gap and begin the process of identifying your needs, differentiating between those that are negotiable and non-negotiable so you can more adequately screen future dating partners for their suitability with your vision.
STEP 2: BEFRIEND THE MIDLIFE CRISIS
Erik Erickson is best known in the psychology field as having developed eight stages of psychosocial human development that we all pass through as we age through the lifespan. Every age group has its own unique challenges and developmental tasks to conquer before being able to successfully move on to the next stage. According to this theory, such hallmarks that exist for the middle-aged man include nurturing close relationships, career management, household maintenance, creativity, and commitment to family and the community. Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature.
For more information on this theory, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson's_stages_of_psychosocial_development .
As gay men, many of our developmental tasks were skipped or neglected because of our retreat to “the closet” in coping with the homophobic society we live in. Successful integration of your gay identity into your sense of self allows you to then address those developmental tasks that were suspended until you were ready. So the next step for you is explore any developmental tasks that still require mastery from earlier years and start working at them. For example, a middle-aged man who comes out later in life will likely experience the adolescent tasks of exploring his sexuality and practicing man-to-man relationship skills, causing him to feel like a teenager again. Perfectly normal in gay male development, no matter what your age.
And then the next step for your success is to discover something that you can do that will give you a sense of meaning and purpose and begin to express that. Find your calling and live it out. This will be your legacy of sorts and is a great way to solidify your identity. This will help anchor you during your dating trials and can be one of the top ways of meeting a compatible partner. Your passion and “zest for life” will be magnetic and you’ll likely be meeting others with similar interests and philosophies in the venues you pursue.
The illustrious “midlife crisis” strikes those men who experience anxiety and apprehension at realizing they’ve lived half their lives and begin to question and contemplate what they’ve accomplished in their lives thus far, fearing that not much time is left to live their visions. Midlife is the perfect time to revisit your original vision and tweak it so it more accurately reflects who you are now and the man you’d still like to become. Reframe this time in your life as a time for growth and opportunity, not something to be abhorred. You have control over shaping your life into something spectacular and fulfilling!
[ Continued Tomorrow - Part 2 ]
For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest.
· For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills: “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006.
· Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife: “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000.
· http://www.graygay.com -and- http://www.grayandgay.com
Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.
©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski -
Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach, in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, toward developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
~~~~ thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday Night Pick-Up in Provincetown
YESSSSSSSSSS !
Stew I agree 117% ! lol More than sex to be being gay.
When I am out of the town in downtown Provincetown", as it were. . .on occasion I have watched someone(s) behaviour in their almost frenetic frenzy -- hahaa, can't you just imagine him in "f.f." -- on the prowl trying hard to "connect" with some one, any one. . .hoping to score for the night. The energy involved!
I hope this doesn't sound snootty or hypercritical. . .On occasion on a weekend night I've perched across the street from SpiritusPizza, after the bars and club let out and their customers gravitate toward the gathering of men to watch. . .the HUNT is on.
Mentally I call this "Last Chance at the OK Corral". . .and with my clinical glasses perched in place I watch the energetic dynamics of hooking up. . . .
At times too I've observed with empathy a seemingly shy guy, sorta cautiously moving around. . .without much gusto or enthusiasm looking. trying to engage. . .and it often seems like he is invisible, not a 'target' or prey. . .definitely not the center of any small clique.
This strikes me as terribly sad and lonely. . .looking essentially for love, as Stew well writes, and thinking 'sex' is 'the way' to find some sort of. . .any kind of human intimacy. . .
He wasn't especially striking in looks, but he wasn't a troll either. . .I thought "Oh what the heck. . .this kid is alone. . " and being "Alone in Provincetown" on a Friday night could be just awful. . .esp when you feel no body cares. .so I edged over to where he stood, just hanging around, looking. . .and gradually said "HI. . " and we talked,at first just the usual chitchat and it got easier. . .He had come over from Boston on the "express ferry" for the weekend looking for some fun. . .a quiet kid, my age, a lonely kid, student. . not from Boston. . a "tourist. . visiting Mecca" as we laughed our way into more comfortable chatter.
"Hey, Duude, ya hungry? [I was into my 'hey, duuuude' period] I'm starved. .wanna get some pizza?" Out the back door of Spiritus is a bit quieter outside garden of sorts where you can sit and eat, see and be seen, and talk without yelling. And that's what we did. When the chatter began drifting, by design me thinks, LOL, to dating, single?, being in love, and then the S-word. . S E X ! So, simply, I said "Benji, I'm not looking for a one-nighter pick-up. . in fact I am not looking for anything more than some good conversation, hanging out a bit. . ." etc. etc. He seemed almost relieved, like the backpack wasn't heavy anymore. . .ya know?
I walked him to where he was staying. . . we set a time to meet for the beach . . .later in the day. . ..well, it was now clockwise early in the morning. . . and we did. I stopped at the sign at Herring Cove Beach. . .the PET notice sign where some wag changed the P to H which now read "HETS must be kept on leach at all times." LOL
Well, Benji had to see all the local color. hehe
And after the beach we went to TeaDance at BoatSlip. . . .then to his place to clean up. . . and only that! hahahaaa. Then we had supper at Clem and Ursie's over on ShankPainter Road. (They were still open then. . .and served those killer-good sweet potato fries. . . .yuummm )
That was my "Pick-Up in Provincetown" on a Friday night which lasted all day Saturday and late into early Sunday morning. Now I don't want you getting the idea that I am the local Faerie GodMother who rescues visiting QueerBoyz from the Trolls on the Prowl. hahaa We even took a drive thru the Enchanted Forest. LOL It was all fun. WE both enjoyed it, he wasn't alone crying in his Sierra Mist, we were both too young for beer. . . .and I did "something nice for a lonely guy." . .and for myself too. . . and guess what! we were two gay guys and it didn't involve or lead up to Continental Breakfast. . (a roll in bed with honey). . .HoHoHo
ciao ciao
justin
Stew I agree 117% ! lol More than sex to be being gay.
When I am out of the town in downtown Provincetown", as it were. . .on occasion I have watched someone(s) behaviour in their almost frenetic frenzy -- hahaa, can't you just imagine him in "f.f." -- on the prowl trying hard to "connect" with some one, any one. . .hoping to score for the night. The energy involved!
I hope this doesn't sound snootty or hypercritical. . .On occasion on a weekend night I've perched across the street from SpiritusPizza, after the bars and club let out and their customers gravitate toward the gathering of men to watch. . .the HUNT is on.
Mentally I call this "Last Chance at the OK Corral". . .and with my clinical glasses perched in place I watch the energetic dynamics of hooking up. . . .
At times too I've observed with empathy a seemingly shy guy, sorta cautiously moving around. . .without much gusto or enthusiasm looking. trying to engage. . .and it often seems like he is invisible, not a 'target' or prey. . .definitely not the center of any small clique.
This strikes me as terribly sad and lonely. . .looking essentially for love, as Stew well writes, and thinking 'sex' is 'the way' to find some sort of. . .any kind of human intimacy. . .
He wasn't especially striking in looks, but he wasn't a troll either. . .I thought "Oh what the heck. . .this kid is alone. . " and being "Alone in Provincetown" on a Friday night could be just awful. . .esp when you feel no body cares. .so I edged over to where he stood, just hanging around, looking. . .and gradually said "HI. . " and we talked,at first just the usual chitchat and it got easier. . .He had come over from Boston on the "express ferry" for the weekend looking for some fun. . .a quiet kid, my age, a lonely kid, student. . not from Boston. . a "tourist. . visiting Mecca" as we laughed our way into more comfortable chatter.
"Hey, Duude, ya hungry? [I was into my 'hey, duuuude' period] I'm starved. .wanna get some pizza?" Out the back door of Spiritus is a bit quieter outside garden of sorts where you can sit and eat, see and be seen, and talk without yelling. And that's what we did. When the chatter began drifting, by design me thinks, LOL, to dating, single?, being in love, and then the S-word. . S E X ! So, simply, I said "Benji, I'm not looking for a one-nighter pick-up. . in fact I am not looking for anything more than some good conversation, hanging out a bit. . ." etc. etc. He seemed almost relieved, like the backpack wasn't heavy anymore. . .ya know?
I walked him to where he was staying. . . we set a time to meet for the beach . . .later in the day. . ..well, it was now clockwise early in the morning. . . and we did. I stopped at the sign at Herring Cove Beach. . .the PET notice sign where some wag changed the P to H which now read "HETS must be kept on leach at all times." LOL
Well, Benji had to see all the local color. hehe
And after the beach we went to TeaDance at BoatSlip. . . .then to his place to clean up. . . and only that! hahahaaa. Then we had supper at Clem and Ursie's over on ShankPainter Road. (They were still open then. . .and served those killer-good sweet potato fries. . . .yuummm )
That was my "Pick-Up in Provincetown" on a Friday night which lasted all day Saturday and late into early Sunday morning. Now I don't want you getting the idea that I am the local Faerie GodMother who rescues visiting QueerBoyz from the Trolls on the Prowl. hahaa We even took a drive thru the Enchanted Forest. LOL It was all fun. WE both enjoyed it, he wasn't alone crying in his Sierra Mist, we were both too young for beer. . . .and I did "something nice for a lonely guy." . .and for myself too. . . and guess what! we were two gay guys and it didn't involve or lead up to Continental Breakfast. . (a roll in bed with honey). . .HoHoHo
ciao ciao
justin
Saturday, April 16, 2011
HALLELUJAH
This week is a Holy Week for Christians and Jews throughout the world. Monday evening the youngest child in a Jewish family will ceremonially ask an important questions: "Father, why is this night more important than any other night?" And the father will tell the story of God freeing the Hebrew People from slavery in Egypt and they will eat the ritual Seder Meal recalling the events in their History.. . thruout eight days.
Sunday is the day of Palms and the drama of Jesus coming to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover with His family. . . .and the events leading up to and including his arrest, trial and conviction, and crucifixion on a Friday we call Good. . . .and then the awesome events of Easter. . . .
Holy days for people of faith and "the Book". . So I share with you
an Easter version of Cohen's lovely HALLELUJAH. . . .
HAPPY WEEK ! ~~ justin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guhr0Vh2hE0&feature=player_embedded
Justin Another version of Hallelujah for the season! Pat
Sunday is the day of Palms and the drama of Jesus coming to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover with His family. . . .and the events leading up to and including his arrest, trial and conviction, and crucifixion on a Friday we call Good. . . .and then the awesome events of Easter. . . .
Holy days for people of faith and "the Book". . So I share with you
an Easter version of Cohen's lovely HALLELUJAH. . . .
HAPPY WEEK ! ~~ justin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guhr0Vh2hE0&feature=player_embedded
Justin Another version of Hallelujah for the season! Pat
Kissing and Intimacy
Gary Kelly has left a new comment on your post "" Kiss -In "":
Because of my upbringing during the '50s and 60s, I still feel uncomfortable at the sight of two men kissing in public. It seems odd to me, and even repulsive.
I'm not sure I could ever accept it as normal behavior. I've seen it often enough in clubs and at parties, but not in public. Even holding hands in public bothers me.
So here's a question for JustinO: Do you and Peter kiss in front of parents and siblings? Or do keep such behavior private?
Because of my upbringing during the '50s and 60s, I still feel uncomfortable at the sight of two men kissing in public. It seems odd to me, and even repulsive.
I'm not sure I could ever accept it as normal behavior. I've seen it often enough in clubs and at parties, but not in public. Even holding hands in public bothers me.
So here's a question for JustinO: Do you and Peter kiss in front of parents and siblings? Or do keep such behavior private?
Hello Gary and All Y'All. . .
Well, let me tell you Peter and I do not kiss like this. . . .in public. Not at all. Not in front of parents and siblings either. LOL
And we are much too private to behave like this in front of anyone! WE both think that intimacy like this is best reserved for
private special times. . . .ALONE. . ..the two of us. We are not into "group stuff". . . .where some behave like dogs loose in a "poop park". . . ..To each his own. . . ..chacun a non gout. . . .Public intimacy is not for us. . . .
However. . .on certain occasions. . . like Christmas and New Years. . . .or saying goodbye when I go back to school we might do a kinda quick kiss . .. like this below. . . .and have done this in front of parents and siblings. We are more discrete when the Urchins are with us. . .my niece and nephews. . . . .but we do hug and even sit close in family gatherings. . ..when everyone else is sitting close due to numbers of the Clan. LOL
As I said above, we just do not think that engaging in "suck face" is appropriate in public. hahaaaa In private. . . . .
well, I never kiss and tell. . . .lol
We DO hold hands when walking in Provincetown.. . . if and when it comes naturally. We really do not insist on being a public nuisance in traffic and crowds. . . ..and do not want the other to ever feel like a "trophy in tow" or on a leash.
Our intimacies are for us. . .for Peter and me. . . .and no one else . This is how we see things for US, and never want to set norms and styles for others. . . . .since we do not plan on following the styles of others ourselves.
ciao, ciao ~~~
Peter and Justin
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/16/us/16schools.html?hp
This should keep things at a boiling point in Ca. In order to gauge its potential effectiveness, I would be interested in seeing what would be taught, and in what context it would be presented.
Pat
I agree. This ought to create a great deal of brouhaha Hollywood style. . . .with all the draaahmah and carrying ons like the famous
"MONKEY TRIALS" over the teaching of evolution in the Tennessee courtroom and schools. ;-). . . . .justin
This should keep things at a boiling point in Ca. In order to gauge its potential effectiveness, I would be interested in seeing what would be taught, and in what context it would be presented.
Pat
I agree. This ought to create a great deal of brouhaha Hollywood style. . . .with all the draaahmah and carrying ons like the famous
"MONKEY TRIALS" over the teaching of evolution in the Tennessee courtroom and schools. ;-). . . . .justin
" Kiss -In "
G'day Justin,
I noted this article on the BBC...
A mass same-sex "kiss-in" has been staged outside a pub in central London where two men said they were ejected on Wednesday for kissing each other.
Gary
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I have the feeling a few might have been annoyed by the previous 2-part post and thought "the topic lacked substance." At the same time it seems to have engendered some excellent idea-exchange and provoked some thought. That, alone, shows me there was no lack of "substance". . . ."au contraire. . . ." ;-)
Here is another item asking/ maybe provoking some need-to-be-raised questions and discussion, reactions and ideas.
Thanks for your help. . . . justin
Posted: 12 Apr 2011 10:12 PM PDT
I heard from a friend recently who told me about a recent conversation with a young friend over dinner.Seems the young guy had recently split with a boyfriend after finding out that his man had been sleeping around.The conversation turned to gay men and sex. Why is it so hard to find a gay man who is interested in monogamy? Why is it so hard to find intimacy and sexual connection in the same person? My friend told me he was stumped and found the questions a bit haunting. What is it about gay men and sex? Are all gay men promiscuous? We may wince at the word “promiscuity,” but research and personal experience both indicate that gay men have more sexual partners than heterosexual men. It’s reasonable to question why that might be, and to think about the costs and benefits of our sexual choices.
Sex is important to gay men. In addition to the obvious reason – sex is highly pleasurable – until recently sex between men was illegal, disapproved of and marginalized in most parts of our country. And gay male culture tends to be both sexy and sexualized. Ellen DeGeneres tells a joke about looking in the gay yellow pages when she first came out and remarking, “Wow! Look at the abs on that mortician!”
Gay men have always had long-term, committed and monogamous relationships, of course. That’s quite an accomplishment when you consider all the obstacles placed in the way of such relationships’ success: lack of legal recognition, frequent lack of family support, etc. But gay men don’t always assume that sexuality can only be healthy in the context of a committed relationship. (Contrast this with the situation of heterosexuals, where sex is supposed to be only within marriage, yet sex outside of marriage isn’t at all uncommon.)
Pleasure makes the sexual urge very strong, but that doesn’t mean our reasons for having sex aren’t complex. Sex can be lovemaking – celebrating the passion and connection with a partner we love. But there are all sorts of other reasons why people choose to have sex: maybe they’re horny or lonely. Maybe they’re drunk or just bored. And some men have learned to use sex as a way to escape from stress.
Sex can be a deep expression of intimacy, but pursuing many sexual partners can reflect just the opposite – a fear of real intimacy. Casual sex can allow us to scratch our itch to physically connect with another person without requiring us to do the hard work involved in having a healthy relationship. Over time that can decrease our ability to have those sorts of committed, fulfilling relationships.
Does the gay community encourage gay men to have a large number of sex partners, particularly outside of relationships? The sexual infrastructure of our community includes cruisy bars, circuit parties, bathhouses, sex clubs and Internet hook-up sites with names like Manhunt or Cruisingforsex. Sex is instantly available to anyone with a car or Internet connection. It’s not that recreational sex is a bad thing, but sex can become compulsive and unhealthy if it becomes the source of our identity or if it becomes compulsive. When we become preoccupied with sexuality or anything else, life loses its balance.
Back to my friend’s dinner conversation. Is it difficult to find gay men who are ready for committed relationships? I don’t think so. Our community presents lots of alternatives, though, and guys who spend a lot of time in the hypersexual parts of the gay community aren’t good candidates for monogamous life.
Chalk up another reason why it’s good to take plenty of time to get to know the person you’re dating before you imagine giving your heart to him.
John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHERor John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
~~~~~ thanks, Michael @gaytwogether.com
Monday, April 11, 2011
A Few Observations / Wonderings . . .
This post is like a Part 2 to the previous post on possibilities of relationship. On a regular basis I post articles on various aspects of inter-personal relationships, with emphasis on the same-gender aspect of our relationships.
Each human being has innate needs which are part of our survival instincts. We need to love and to be loved. Much, if not most of our strivings are to fill these needs. Without them we die. That is simply a well proven given about being human. Learning how to receive love and then, in turn, how to give love is the most basic preoccupation of our lives.
Look at the amount of time, conniving, energy used in achieving that goal. . . . .and the like.
Here are three comments from our family members. . . .What do you think about this all important issue. . . I mean, more than a simple "I agree" or "I approve this message" . . . .LOL Thanks for your participation.
justin
~~~~~~
Gary adds: << If I'd known in my youth and middle age the extent to which sex complicates relationships, particlarly gay relationships, I would have settled for friendships.
I realize I'm in the minority here, but that's cool. I'm not out to convince anyone of anything... other than how sweet and adorable I am. >>
~~~~~~~~
Each human being has innate needs which are part of our survival instincts. We need to love and to be loved. Much, if not most of our strivings are to fill these needs. Without them we die. That is simply a well proven given about being human. Learning how to receive love and then, in turn, how to give love is the most basic preoccupation of our lives.
Look at the amount of time, conniving, energy used in achieving that goal. . . . .and the like.
Here are three comments from our family members. . . .What do you think about this all important issue. . . I mean, more than a simple "I agree" or "I approve this message" . . . .LOL Thanks for your participation.
justin
J posted this comment ~
<< Interesting. I am especially intrigued by the study that showed gay men are bigger consumers of porn than other males, and that single gays at age 30 are considered washed up. Does that mean that we are constantly on the hunt for a new youthful conquest or thrill, and what impact does that have on the stability of gay relationships? This data tends to make those observations about the quest for the better penis sound valid. >>
<< Interesting. I am especially intrigued by the study that showed gay men are bigger consumers of porn than other males, and that single gays at age 30 are considered washed up. Does that mean that we are constantly on the hunt for a new youthful conquest or thrill, and what impact does that have on the stability of gay relationships? This data tends to make those observations about the quest for the better penis sound valid. >>
~~~~~~
Gary adds: << If I'd known in my youth and middle age the extent to which sex complicates relationships, particlarly gay relationships, I would have settled for friendships.
I realize I'm in the minority here, but that's cool. I'm not out to convince anyone of anything... other than how sweet and adorable I am. >>
~~~~~~~~
Justin ponders. . :
Yes, makes me wonder about our "collective relational abilities", if that justly says it. "are gays capable of any permanent relationship."
Could we probably promise to our mate "as long as we both shall live" ?
Are gay people able to live well without ever new and enticing possibilities?
Is there somehow some sort of personality makeup which makes any permanence in relationship possible and viable "as long as we both shall live'?
Are we foundationally temperamentally so different from our heterosexual counterparts?
Could we probably promise to our mate "as long as we both shall live" ?
Are gay people able to live well without ever new and enticing possibilities?
Is there somehow some sort of personality makeup which makes any permanence in relationship possible and viable "as long as we both shall live'?
Are we foundationally temperamentally so different from our heterosexual counterparts?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, Jan. 17, 2008
Are Gay Relationships Different?
Michael and I had been together 7 1⁄2 years when I moved out in late 2006. We met at a bar just after Christmas 1998; I had seen Shakespeare in Love with a couple of friends, and I was feeling amorous, looking for Joseph Fiennes. Michael hit on one of my friends first, but the two didn't click, so Michael settled for me.
That was one of our most reliable stories to tell friends over dinner. It never ceased to get the table laughing, Michael and me most of all, because it was preposterous to think we wouldn't have ended up together. We were so happy, our love unshakable.
I went home with Michael the night we met, and figuratively speaking, I didn't leave again for those 7 1⁄2 years. The breakup sucked, the more so because it was no one's fault. Our relationship had begun to suffer the inanition of many marriages at seven years. (The seven-year itch isn't a myth; the U.S. Census Bureau says the median duration of first marriages that end in divorce is 7.9 years.) Michael and I loved each other, but slowly--almost imperceptibly at first--we began to realize we were no longer in love. We were intimate but no longer passionate; we had cats but no kids.
Things drifted for a while. There was some icky couples counseling ("Try a blindfold") and therapeutic spending on vacations, clothes, furniture. We were lost. The night Michael wouldn't stay up to watch The Office finale with me, I knew I had to move out. Yes, he was tired, but if he couldn't give me the length of a sitcom--Jim and Pam are going to kiss!--then we were really done.
What followed for me, in no meaningful order, was intense exercise and weight loss; fugue states punctuated by light psychotherapy, heavy drinking and moderate drug use; really good sex; Italian classes (where I learned to pronounce il mio divorzio perfectly); and marathons of cooking. I had always enjoyed the kitchen, but now I would make pumpkin ravioli from scratch on Thursday and cook a black bass in parchment on Friday and bake an olive-oil cake on Saturday. The fridge was stuffed; my friends were ecstatic and full. But in the mornings, alone before dawn, a jolt of terror: What had I done?
Finally I started reading the academic research on relationships, which is abundant and, surprisingly, often rigorous. I wondered whether Michael and I could have done more to save our union. What impact had our homosexuality had on the longevity, arc and dissolution of our relationship? Had we given up on each other because we were men or because we were gay? Or neither? Friends offered clichés: Some people just aren't meant for each other. But our straight friends usually stayed married. Why not us?
When I was 13, I secretly read my parents' old copy of Dr. David Reuben's Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, first published in 1969. Standing nervously at the bookshelf, I was poised to replace the volume quickly if I heard footsteps. The chapter on homosexuality explained, "The homosexual must constantly search for the one man, the one penis, the one experience, that will satisfy him. He is the sexual Diogenes, always looking for the penis that pleases. That is the reason he must change partners endlessly. [In gay marriages] the principals never stop cruising. They may set up housekeeping together, but the parade of penises usually continue [sic] unabated ... Mercifully for both of them, the life expectancy of their relationship together is brief." My face went hot with embarrassment.
I know now that the book was blithe and stupid, but I think many people, gay and straight, assume gay men are worse at maintaining relationships than straight people are. I needed experts, answers. I was also curious if I should be so upset about my breakup. As a society, we treat single people over 30 with condescension or pity, but maybe the problem was that I had hurtled into a serious relationship too young. I know that in my 20s I had wanted to impress my family and my heterosexual friends with my stability. Maybe I should have waited.
Research on gay relationships is young. The first study to observe how gays and lesbians interact with their partners during conversations (monitoring facial expressions, vocal tones, emotional displays and physical reactions like changes in heart rate) wasn't published until 2003, even though such studies have long been a staple of hetero-couple research. John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist who was then at the University of Washington, and Robert Levenson, a psychology professor at the University of California, Berkeley, led a team that evaluated 40 same-sex couples and 40 straight married couples. The psychologists concluded that gays and lesbians are nicer than straight people during arguments with partners: they are significantly less belligerent, less domineering and less fearful. Gays and lesbians also use humor more often when arguing (and lesbians use even more humor than gays, which I hereby dub "the Ellen DeGeneres effect"). The authors concluded that "heterosexual relationships may have a great deal to learn from homosexual relationships."
But Gottman and Levenson also found that when gay men initiate difficult discussions with their partners, the partners are worse than straight or lesbian couples at "repairing"--essentially, making up. Gottman and Levenson suggest that couples therapists should thus focus on helping gay men learn to repair.
The therapist Michael and I hired did not encourage us to repair. She didn't have to. Our relationship had become so etiolated and dull that we didn't even have proper fights. We carried an aura of passivity, and the therapist wanted to see passion. She was smart to ask for it. Gottman, Levenson and their colleagues found that gays and lesbians who exhibit more tension during disagreements are more satisfied with their relationships than those who remain unruffled. For straight people, higher heart rates during squabbles were associated with lower relationship satisfaction. For gays and lesbians, it was just the opposite. Gays conduct their relationships as though they are acting out some cheesy pop song: You have to make my heart beat faster for me to love you. For gays, it is apathy that murders relationships, not tension. Straight people more often prefer a lento placidity.
Why would gays show more beneficence in arguments, do a worse job of repairing after bad fights and find palpitation satisfying? Researchers have long noted that because gender roles are less relevant in gay and lesbian relationships--it's a canard that in most gay couples, one partner plays wife--those relationships are often more equal than heterosexual marriages. Both guys do the dishes; both women grill the steaks. Straight couples often argue along gender lines: the men are at turns angry and distant, the women more prone to lugubrious bursts. Gays and lesbians may be less tetchy during quarrels because they aren't forced into a particular role.
"In heterosexual couples," Levenson says, "men become very sensitive to their wives' sadness and anger. It's toxic to most straight men and disappointing. They want their wives to idolize them, and they are very, very good anger detectors. And they don't see any of it as funny. In gay couples, there's a sense of 'We're angry, but isn't this funny?'"
No one is sure why gay men are worse at making up after fights, but I have a theory: it's less important for their sex lives. Probably because they don't have women to restrain their evolutionarily male sexual appetites, gay men are more likely than straight and lesbian couples to agree to nonmonogamy, which decreases the stakes for not repairing. And according to a big study from Norway published in The Journal of Sex Research in 2006, gay men also consume more porn than everyone else, making them more "partner-independent."
Finally, I think gay and lesbian couples may prefer more heart-racing during conflict because of what happens to gays and lesbians as kids. Although the world is changing--more than 3,700 schools now have student clubs that welcome gays--many gay kids still grow up believing that what they want is disgusting. They repress for years, and when they finally do have relationships, they need them to carry sufficient drama into those emotional spaces that were empty for so long. Gays need their relationships to scorch.
That's one reason gays and lesbians end relationships sooner than heterosexuals. In a 2004 paper, psychology professor Lawrence Kurdek of Wright State University in Ohio reported that over a 12-year period, 21% of gay and lesbian couples broke up; only 14% of married straight couples did. Too many gay relationships are pulled by the crosscurrents of childhood pain, adult expectation and gay-community pathologies like meth addiction. Kurdek has also found that members of gay and lesbian couples are significantly more self-conscious than straight married people, "perhaps due to their stigmatized status," he writes.
Legalizing same-sex marriage would probably help prolong gay relationships, if only because of the financial and legal benefits married couples enjoy. Federal benefits are unavailable to lesbian and gay couples even in Massachusetts, the only state that allows those couples to obtain marriage licenses. Kurdek says in a 1998 Journal of Marriage and the Family paper that even though gay and lesbian relationships end more often than straight marriages, they don't degrade any faster. In other words, it takes squabbling gay and straight couples the same amount of time to enter what is known as "the cascade toward divorce." But straight couples more often find a way to stop the cascade. For gays, breaking up usually means simply moving out, not hiring divorce attorneys.
Today Michael and I are friends. On Christmas Eve, we gathered a group, and I made an enthusiastic attempt at the traditional Italian seven-fishes feast. I'm in better shape now than I was in high school, which fits with psychologist Bella DePaulo's finding (in her fascinating 2006 book on single life, Singled Out) that the period around divorce is associated with improvements in health. Divorced men are also, not surprisingly, happier than men stuck in bad marriages.
And yet if ours had been a straight marriage, I have little doubt we would still be together. We had financial security and supportive families. We almost certainly would have had children. This isn't regret--fighting my homosexuality would be like shouting against the rain. But while the researchers are certainly right that straight couples have something to learn from gay couples, I think the inverse is true as well.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The BoatSlip
Hello All Y'All. . . .Here is an aereal view of the world renowned BoatSlip Resort. . . . .Home of the Tea Dance which doesn't start until early - mid May. . . and is in full swing by Memorial Day weekend.
If you look under the deck. . .that is place Richard was referring to. . .and warning me to stay away from. . . ..ho ho ho
If you look under the deck. . .that is place Richard was referring to. . .and warning me to stay away from. . . ..ho ho ho
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