Monday, June 11, 2012

BEAR/BARE in Provincetown. . . LOL


Here’s one way to beat the traffic on Route 6!  He’s a bit early for Bear Week though.


PROVINCETOWN —
Wildlife officials have called off a plan to try to trap a black bear that’s been wandering around Cape Cod.
Division of Fisheries and Wildlife spokeswoman Marion Larson says officials changed their strategy because the animal hasn’t gotten into trouble.
She says officials “were probably over-thinking it” when coming up with the idea of capturing the bear, thought to be a male around three years old.
Larson says the mere presence of a bear doesn’t constitute a public safety threat.
The animal got to the Cape on Memorial Day weekend, before making its way out to its tip this week. Scientists believe it swam from the mainland.
State officials believe it’s the first time in history a black bear has been on the Cape.



Read more: Bear hunt called off on Cape Cod - - Wicked Local - Cape Cod http://www.enterprisenews.com/topstories/x1267872257/Bear-hunt-called-off-on-Cape-Cod#ixzz1xWCOursx

Rejection Sucks


The Very Thought Of Him - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click to enlarge

 
       
Posted: 07 Jun 2012 06:20 AM PDT
Rejection Sucks! A Gay Guy's Primer On Dealing With It - GAYTWOGETHER.COM“Well, it was really nice meeting you, bud, but I don’t really think we’re a match. Good luck to you though!” –or- “Yeah, it was fun! I’ll call you!” –and then the call never comes.
Sound familiar? We’ve all been there at one time or another. You know, that stabbing feeling of being unwanted that’s so hard to shake when it strikes. Yep—rejection!  Rejection of all forms is a natural part of being human, from being declined for a job or being refused participation in a certain club. But as a single guy on a quest for a life partner, rejection is an inescapable given in the dating world as you search for a compatible counterpart. There is no way around it!

Now in this article, I’m not going to sugar-coat things and say “just get over it” or “it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to date you.” This type of common advice minimizes the impact rejection really has. The truth of the matter is that rejection sucks! It hurts, it’s no fun, and it can be difficult to swallow at times. But while rejection can be a nasty experience, it is a fact of life that needs to be accepted and embraced in order to survive and triumph over its effects.There’s no easy formula for overcoming the fear of rejection, but what’s offered here are some tips for making the most of it and taking on a new perspective to help you forage on and prevent it from holding you back from accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams.

Why Rejection Hurts
Growing up gay in a homophobic society poses many challenges as we face our developmental tasks and build an identity. As gay men, most of us carried boat-loads of shame and fears of not being accepted for who we were as we grew up (and a lot of us still struggle with these issues as adults) because of the messages from society that said being gay is “bad.” This prejudice and discrimination, coupled with the fear of not being accepted, can lead to an extra-hypersensitivity when any kind of rejection is perceived. This can be even more pronounced for those men who experienced banishment from their families or suffered some type of trauma or abuse for being gay. Low self-esteem, the tendency to have a strong need for approval, and to define one’s self-image around what others think of you can be additional culprits in making rejection seem insurmountable.

The Costs Are High!
For some single gay men, the fear of rejection acts as a huge barrier against their claiming one of their most desired goals—a loving relationship. This fear can manifest itself in giving up on dating, isolating oneself, avoiding risks that could result in positive life changes, a tendency to become desperate, needy, clingy, and a people-pleaser. Then there’s all the negative, pessimistic thinking, anxiety, potential to become codependent, fear of commitment, and presenting a false self to avoid exposing oneself and being vulnerable, which then leads to intimacy deficits, decreased social confidence, and sometimes it reaches dangerous depths of turning to things such as alcohol/drugs and sex to self-medicate against those feelings. The list goes on—yuck!
· What does rejection mean to you?

· What are some of the losses and negative consequences you’ve endured as a result of your fear of rejection, if any?
A Mental Shift Is Required
A new mindset is mandatory for conquering the negative effects of a fear of rejection in the dating world. Most struggles with rejection stem from your self-talk, the chatter we all have going on in our heads all the time. What you think affects how you feel which affects how you act, and then they all interrelate with each other. You can create a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you expect rejection, it’ll turn out that way. A lot of our fears of being “dismissed” come from such cognitive distortions (negative thought traps) as catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion) and mindreading (making unfounded assumptions).

You can certainly miss out on golden opportunities for meeting Mr. Right if you expend all your energy on your worries and negative thinking, not to mention that your self-esteem will be undermined and you won’t feel comfortable in your own skin.

Your job is to identify which thoughts help vs. hinder your cause; capitalize on those that boost your confidence and motivate you, and work at defeating those negative thoughts that keep you trapped in vicious cycles of self-defeat. Replace those negative tapes with more affirming statements; this will take a lot of consistent practice to internalize the new messages and counter the old ones that form your beliefs. Another option is to create situations for yourself that will prove your old negative beliefs wrong by demonstrating to yourself that you are capable of overcoming anything that acts as an obstacle to your success.

[ Part 2 - Tomorrow ]
To build resiliency, you must experience disappointment and rejection and failure and learn that one, you can survive it, and two that sometimes the universe has a better plan for you than you had for yourself all along. --- Azriela Jaffe, author of “Starting From No: 10 Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business.”


© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

~~~~  Thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Takes All Kind


G'day JustinO,
A friend sent me the link to this clip from America's Got Talent. How's this guy for hiding his light under a bushell? If you don't shed a tear of joy while watching this, I'll be very surprised.
Gary

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


Posted: 05 Jun 2012 06:20 AM PDT
Tvt 3410 g2gContinued From Yesterday )
"One of the most common complaints I receive from single gay men about the dating scene is their frustration and pain of wearing “the battle scars” of mistreatment at the hands of other men they’ve met for potential friendship and dating."

Tips for Becoming a Dating Man of Integrity

In the world of online communication, we can begin to feel disconnected from the human experience. Don’t! Remember that the man on the other side of the computer screen is a human being with feelings.

Treat him kindly as you would if you were speaking to him in-person. Good-manners are sexy!Remember to use “please”, “thank you”, and all the other common courtesies we were supposed to have been taught as children; and if you weren’t fortunate enough to get this kind of training, now is the time to start educating yourself on how to become more socially sophisticated and savvy.

Not only will you become more polished, but you’ll also be engendering more positive impressions of yourself in the minds of others as you treat them with the respect they deserve.

If you’re not interested in seeing someone again for a date, tell him so directly. Or if you initially agree and then change your mind, tell him. A simple “Thank you for taking the time to meet me and I enjoyed talking with you. I don’t think we’d be a match for dating but I wish you all the best” is a much better approach than game-playing, lying, and deceit.

Homework Task:
Sit back, relax, and conduct a values clarification visualization in your mind of what you picture as being a man of integrity. What does he say and do that strikes you as admirable and well-mannered? Write down all the qualities and characteristics that describe this ideal man in his presentation, style, and demeanor from an individual and social standpoint. Then identify those qualities that resonate with who you are now versus those traits that you’d like to aspire to become. GAYTWOGETHER-070908-4w

Develop goals for yourself to begin working on building and integrating those qualities into your identity as a starting-point for your personal evolution into the ultimate man of depth and substance you’d like to become.
Remember that high self-esteem results when we behave in accordance with our values and personal ethics.

Conclusion

If we all as gay men developed the mindset of living with integrity and becoming more socially conscious of the effects our behavior has on others, the dating world might perhaps feel a little less dangerous and more of a welcome and safe environment to get to know other men.

One man at a time can generate this movement. In closing, here is a quote from therapist and book author Joe Kort that I just love that speaks directly to the message of this article. Use this gem as an affirmation to take personal inventory and responsibility for who you are and want to be as a gay man.
“Would the small child you once were look up to the adult that you have become?” – Joe Kort, LMSW

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

~~~~~thanks Brian,  thanks Michael@gaytwogether.com

Monday, June 4, 2012


Posted: 04 Jun 2012 06:30 AM PDT
            
Posted: 04 Jun 2012 06:20 AM PDT
4896804f8d731sOne of the most common complaints I receive from single gay men about the dating scene is their frustration and pain of wearing “the battle scars” of mistreatment at the hands of other men they’ve met for potential friendship and dating.

“Why doesn’t he call me back when he says he will?” “Why did he say he was interested and then I find him online cruising for other guys?” “I found out Mr. Wonderful was married!” “These guys are so rude and crass in those Internet chatrooms!” 

These are just a few of the many scenarios described by many singles who report feeling jaded by the actions of their fellow gay brothers who have slighted them or made them feel “less than” as they navigate their way through the dating jungle.

It is a curious thing to ponder how a disenfranchised group like gay men, who have historically suffered discrimination from a homophobic culture, could treat each other with such disdain and cruelty when we are all essentially in the same boat trying to find love, happiness, and a place we can call our own in this world.

But it doesn’t have to be this way! We don’t have to project and mirror the same homophobia we’ve been programmed with at each other as weapons. Pooling together as a group with a collective empathy to provide support and understanding for what it’s like to be a gay man and single in the millennium can go a long way toward improving the social climate and self-esteem of our community and the men that comprise it.

There are many possible reasons why we treat other with the degree of misconduct that we do in the dating world. Some men are acting-out internalized homophobia. Others do so purely out of bad manners and poor social skills. But more often than not, many men are afraid to be direct and honest out of fear of hurting the other person’s feeling; they therefore take “the easy way out” by disappearing off the face of the earth or ignoring a dating prospect who they don’t particularly have an interest in pursuing further. While perhaps well-intentioned, this only serves to hurt the recipient more and this type of immaturity can backfire and begin to develop a negative reputation and image of the man doing the “ditching.”

We cannot change other people; we only have responsibility over our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Therefore, we each as individuals can begin taking stock of our own personal values and ethics to determine if we are carrying ourselves in alignment with who we want to be.

If there is a discrepancy between who we are and who we want to become, this is where we then want to channel our energies toward evolving into that man of integrity who treats himself and others with dignity and respect.
( Part Two - Continued Tomorrow )

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com


~~~~thanks Brian, thanks Michael@gaytwogether.com

Friday, June 1, 2012



The Science of ‘Gaydar’

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“GAYDAR” colloquially refers to the ability to accurately glean others’ sexual orientation from mere observation. But does gaydar really exist? If so, how does it work?
Our research, published recently in the peer-reviewed journal PLoS ONE, shows that gaydar is indeed real and that its accuracy is driven by sensitivity to individual facial features as well as the spatial relationships among facial features.
We conducted experiments in which participants viewed facial photographs of men and women and then categorized each face as gay or straight. The photographs were seen very briefly, for 50 milliseconds, which was long enough for participants to know they’d seen a face, but probably not long enough to feel they knew much more. In addition, the photos were mostly devoid of cultural cues: hairstyles were digitally removed, and no faces had makeup, piercings, eyeglasses or tattoos.
Even when viewing such bare faces so briefly, participants demonstrated an ability to identify sexual orientation: overall, gaydar judgments were about 60 percent accurate.
Since chance guessing would yield 50 percent accuracy, 60 percent might not seem impressive. But the effect is statistically significant — several times above the margin of error. Furthermore, the effect has been highly replicable: we ourselves have consistently discovered such effects in more than a dozen experiments, and our gaydar research was inspired by the work of the social psychologist Nicholas Rule, who has published on the gaydar phenomenon numerous times in the past few years.
We reported two such experiments in PLoS ONE, both of which yielded novel findings. In one experiment, we found above-chance gaydar accuracy even when the faces were presented upside down. Accuracy increased, however, when the faces were presented right side up.
What can we make of this peculiar discovery? It’s widely accepted in cognitive science that when viewing faces right side up, we process them in two different ways: we engage infeatural face processing (registering individual facial features like an eye or lip) as well asconfigural face processing (registering spatial relationships among facial features, like the distance between the eyes or the facial width-to-height ratio). When we view faces upside down, however, we engage primarily in featural face processing; configural face processing is strongly disrupted.
Thus our finding clarifies how people distinguish between gay and straight faces. Research by Professor Rule and his colleagues has implicated certain areas of the face (like the mouth area) in gaydar judgments. Our discovery — that accuracy was substantially greater for right side up faces than for upside-down faces — indicates that configural face processing contributes to gaydar accuracy. Specific facial features will not tell the whole story. Differences in spatial relationships among facial features matter, too.
Consider, for example, facial width-to-height ratio. This is a configural physical feature that differs between men and women (men have a larger ratio) and reflects testosterone release during adolescence in males. Given that stereotypes of gender atypicality — gay men as relatively feminine and gay women as relatively masculine — play a role in how people judge others’ sexual orientation, our finding suggests that cues like facial width-to-height ratio may contribute to gaydar judgments.
Another novel finding: in both experiments, participants were more accurate at judging women’s sexual orientation (64 percent) than at judging men’s (57 percent). Lower gaydar accuracy for men’s faces was explained by a difference in “false alarms”: participants were more likely to incorrectly categorize a straight man as gay than to incorrectly categorize a straight woman as gay.
Why might “false alarm” errors be more common when judging men’s sexual orientation? We speculate that people overzealously interpret whatever facial factors lead us to classify men as gay. That is, it may be that straight men’s faces that are perceived as even slightly effeminate are incorrectly classified as gay, whereas straight women’s faces that are perceived as slightly masculine may still be seen as straight. That would be consistent with how our society applies gender norms to men: very strictly. (Decades of research has established that, at least in our culture, it is considered much more problematic for a boy to play with Barbie dolls than for a girl to play rough-and-tumble sports.)
We know that gaydar research may elicit discomfort. To some, the idea that it’s possible to perceive others’ sexual orientation from observation alone seems to imply prejudice, as if having gaydar makes you homophobic. We disagree: adults with normal perceptual abilities can differentiate the faces of men and women, and of black and white people, but such abilities do not make us sexist or racist.
Though gaydar may not be driven by homophobia, it is relevant to discrimination policy. One of the arguments against nondiscrimination protection for lesbian, gay and bisexual people is that if sexual minorities concealed their identities — à la “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” — discrimination would not be possible. We believe that such policies are unfair. But fairness aside, scientific experiments like ours indicate that such policies are also ineffective: discrimination against sexual minorities would not be eliminated by nondisclosure of sexual orientation, since sexual identity can be detected through appearance alone.
Should you trust your gaydar in everyday life? Probably not. In our experiments, average gaydar judgment accuracy was only in the 60 percent range. This demonstrates gaydarability — which is far from judgment proficiency.
But is gaydar real? Absolutely.
Joshua A. Tabak is a doctoral candidate in social and personality psychology at the University of Washington. Vivian Zayas is an assistant professor of psychology at Cornell University.