Monday, April 23, 2012

The Very Thought Of Him - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click to enlarge

Gay Relationships: When A Lover Cheats - Relationship Repair For Gay Couples: Part 1

Posted: 23 Apr 2012 05:20 AM PDT

Nothing destroys the foundation of trust and security in a relationship quite like infidelity does. The gay community at large tends to accept more liberal forms of sexual expression. Without social norms precluding what’s sexually appropriate or not in the context of an intimate relationship, gay men are in a position to choose for themselves the role sex plays in their relationships. As such, most gay couples develop a “relationship contract” of sorts as they begin to merge their lives together about monogamy vs. non-monogamy.

For those couples who have agreed to be monogamous, a partner’s affair with another man can create a whirlwind of chaos and pain—and sometimes, the destruction of the relationship itself.

While many relationships don’t survive an affair because of the difficulties involved in working through the betrayal and broken trust, many others are able to overcome the challenges and are able to cultivate an even better partnership than they’d had before. A couple can triumph over an affair! Part 1 of this article will examine the reasons behind an affair, and Part 2 will offer some practical tips on healing and moving forward for those couples who have decided to try and salvage their relationships.

He Cheated on Me!

When a lover cheats and the affair is revealed or discovered, the two men in the couple relationship both go through a grieving process. The psychology of the issues involved for each man in the couple is different, but there is a common backdrop of pain and shattered trust.

Disillusionment sets in, and a flood of various emotions erupts. Anger, betrayal, guilt, disgust, defensiveness, depression, and numbness and shock are common emotional reactions, to just name a few.

You become preoccupied with the affair, unable to think of anything else and it can be hard to concentrate and control the racing thoughts and images your mind conjures up. Everything you thought you knew and believed in now comes into question and you can feel lost, confused, and abandoned. You wonder what’s been real and what’s been a farce from the inception of your relationship. Your self-esteem is wounded, you feel deceived, and your world feels like it’s been turned upside down. The sense of loss is profound and can be traumatizing. You then contemplate whether the relationship is worth fighting for.

Why We Are Unfaithful:

Statistics among all sexual orientations indicate that infidelity is pervasive. There are many different reasons why we gay men may cheat on our partners. While certainly the problem may stem from one man in the couple (eg. sexual addiction), in my clinical experience, I have seen more cases of infidelity arising as a symptom of something that's troubling the relationship.

The following are some possible underlying factors that contribute to the straying outside our primary relationships:

• fear of commitment and/or intimacy; cheating as a way of staving off getting too close, being controlled, or being suffocated by one’s partner

• lack of gay monogamous role models

• low self-esteem; seeking sex from other people as a validation of one’s attractiveness and self-worth

• boredom; a compelling need to seek thrills, risk, adventure, or variety • easy sexual access and availability • society, and gay culture itself, sexualizing gay men (just look at the ads in your local gay newspaper or magazine, for example!)

• unhappiness in one’s relationship; feeling unloved or unwanted; emotional distance in the partnership; unmet needs; acting-out because “something’s missing”; searching for emotional connection, attention, affection, and validation that one feels he’s not getting from his partner • sexual problems in the relationship or lack of sexual intimacy

• sexual addiction, poor impulse control, involvement of drugs and alcohol, or unresolved emotional problems, sexual abuse from the past, or a prior history of infidelity

• purposeful attempt to hurt one’s partner (power-plays, “I’ll show him! I’ll get back at him by sleeping with…”) • incompatibility with one’s partner; differing life philosophies and needs

Men in particular (both straight and gay) tend to be more at risk and susceptible for cheating on a lover because of the tendency toward being able to separate sex from emotions during sex.

These reasons are certainly not intended to be rationalizations or justifications for having an affair, but knowing your own underlying causes can help in beginning to problem-solve ways of “treating the symptoms” so that your relationship has a chance of successfully moving forward. No two affairs are alike, so it’s important to understand your unique relationship situation so you can remove the barriers that trigger you and prevent you from claiming the type of relationship you really want.

Conclusion:

In Part 2 of this article, specific tips and strategies will be given for the man who cheated, the man who was cheated upon, and for the couple as a whole for rebuilding their relationship in the aftermath of an affair. In the interim, if you and your partner are in this situation of dealing with an infidelity, contemplate the following questions and points:

• What does this affair mean to our relationship? What led up to it? Why did it happen?

• In what ways did each of us contribute to this happening? What role did we each play and what are our responsibilities? What’s missing in our relationship? What needs work? What did we learn about ourselves as a result of this experience?

• Can I forgive my partner and myself for what’s happened? How does this all mesh with my personal requirements for a partner and relationship?

• What do we need to do differently to ensure that this never happens again?

Remember that you are both suffering and that you both need extra support, reassurance, and understanding from each other right now. If you are truly committed to repairing your relationship, keep blame, finger-pointing, verbal aggression, and judgment out of the mix. There’s been enough pain already. Develop a vision for a positive outcome as a couple and keep centered on that as you go through the difficult grieving tasks involved in getting back on track again. And you can!

( Part Two - Tomorrow )

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

( The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained therapist.

~~~~~thanks Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Courage founder: "Gay cure" not possible

Jeremy Marks who founded Courage in the UK to help gays and lesbians overcome homosexuality writes 'I began to think that perhaps we’d got it really wrong.' in
The Guardian:

In the 1980s, I started a group called Courage, to "cure" homosexuality. Although today the "ex-gay" ministry seems offensive, back then it was cutting edge, in that we were reaching out to the gay community. The rest of the church just said, "You're wasting your time, they're going to go to hell." We didn't have a "deliverance" approach, but there were some ministries that regarded homosexuals as being possessed by a demonic spirit that could be cast out. We adopted the psychoanalytic idea of an unfortunate family background: distant father, overbearing mother – and this was just a boy looking for a father's love. The idea was that if placed in an affirming male environment, you'd grow out of your desires.

I'd known I was gay from about the age of 13. I got on well with girls, but I didn't feel the sexual chemistry I felt when I watched Richard Chamberlain in Dr Kildare. In those days you could never talk about it. It was a lonely, frightening world.
....
By the end of the 1990s, the only ones doing well were those who'd accepted they were gay and found a partner. It was as if a great burden had been shifted, that they thought, "Now at last I know who I am. I know I'm in love with somebody and they love me." I thought, this is the kind of result we hoped they'd achieve living an upright Christian life, but they're finding that contentment just being themselves. I began to think that perhaps we'd got it really wrong.

I still run Courage, but now it's with a belief that you can be gay and Christian. We offer a chance to meet other gay Christians and support committed same-sex relationships. It's been difficult for my wife, because she's naturally very concerned that I might therefore decide, "That's it, I want to go and find a man." But we're coming up to retirement age and I wouldn't feel happy just to leave her – feeling abandoned after all we've been through together. Ours may not be the traditional heterosexual romance, but the care for one another's wellbeing is just as real. I try not to look back, but I know I've missed out in a big way – and so has she. She should have been with some heterosexual guy who adored her, as she should be adored.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Gay Relationships: The Top 10 Secrets of Successful Gay Daters - Part Two

Posted: 20 Apr 2012 05:10 AM PDT

( Continued from yesterday ) - here's the next five characteristics common to the profile of a successful gay dater.

5. He has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating.

Coming out isn’t for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You don’t have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. It’s not an easy feat, however—there’s years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.

Additionally, it’s important to counter any myths or stereotypes about homosexuality because these can be limiting as well. “All the good ones are taken.” “Gay relationships don’t work.” “All gay men want is sex.” “I have to be a stud to land a man.” “Guys will come to me.” If you believe any of these statements and the many others that exist, recognize these as misinformation that can be confusing and distort reality and work hard at challenging and defeating such negative self-talk so that they don’t get in the way of your goals.

4. He knows what dating means and how to do it instead of just having sex.

For many gay men, having sex and/or jumping into a relationship too early is a common phenomenon. Because of our homophobic society, we were never taught how to date, so gays don’t typically have pacing rituals or milestones like our straight counterparts do for dating. This, coupled with relief after years of isolation and having a strong need to feel loved/wanted/connected, fuels us to rush intimacy too quickly and establish premature connections without knowing more about the other guy. It’s important to build a foundation first as this helps us make good choices. Learn how to pace and slow things down by learning how to add courtship, flirting, and romance to the mix.

3. He is emotionally and physically available and ready for love.

Have the time and space to invite a person into your world. It will be difficult to establish a connection with someone if your time schedule is too booked up. Also be ready emotionally by ensuring you’ve resolved any baggage from your past or addressing any current personal issues that may distract you and sabotage your efforts at love. And most importantly, be yourself! Don’t be someone that you think he wants you to be. Don’t mold yourself around someone just to be in a relationship. You’ll end up resenting him and yourself for your dishonesty. Remember to live by your personal requirements and have your own individual identity.

2. He has a well-rounded repertoire of dating skills and knows how to use them.

Dating skills include such things as knowing where to meet men (pick venues aligned with your vision!), being assertive, having good communication skills, being able to initiate and maintain conversations, differentiating between guys who are cruising vs. serious dating candidates, knowing how to flirt, etc. The more developed you are in these types of skills, the more savvy and confident you will feel when in social situations and you’ll be more magnetic!

1. He is a go-getter and takes charge of his life. He makes things happen!

Nothing will happen in your life unless you take the proactive steps to make changes. This is not an easy task, especially if you’re shy or hesitant because of past efforts that didn’t work out, but you have to be the chooser and take risks. In most cases, things will not fall in your lap. You will need to do the work involved in making your vision become a reality. Whether it be combating procrastination or dealing with fears of rejection, conquer your anxieties directly. And do it NOW! The more you run or avoid anxiety, the stronger it gets. And don’t put your life on hold either. One man once told me, “I’ll start dating after I lose weight.” No! Live your life to the max now while you’re working on such goals. There’s no greater loss than postponing living your life.

Conclusion

So there you have it! Ten areas where you can assess yourself on the successful dater scale. Dating can be fun AND challenging, so the more prepared you are for inviting love into your life, the greater the chances of victory. Identify the strengths and weaknesses you may have from this profile and make a commitment to yourself to develop goals for improving up your weak spots and follow through with them. While it’s not foolproof, you will greatly improve your chances in the dating pool and you’ll also be strengthening your personhood in the process, adding more value and richness to your life. Your Mr. Right is out there. Now go get him!

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

thanks Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

Gay Relationships: The Top 10 Secrets of Successful Gay Daters - Part One

Posted: 19 Apr 2012 05:10 AM PDT

Dating can be like a roller coaster ride sometimes with its fun highs and frustrating lows. Ever wonder why some guys have more luck with the dating game than others? Ever contemplate what it takes to become more successful with men? Well, that’s a tricky business and there’s no scientific formula that will yield those positive results. I believe dating is partly luck and LOTS of preparation.

Part One of this article will count-down the first 5 out of 10 characteristics that are common to the profile of a successful gay dater. (Part Two - Tomorrow)

The list goes on beyond this as well, but these qualities can provide a starting point for you to assess your possible strengths and weaknesses as a single gay man on the prowl for your Mr. Right and to develop goals for self-improvement that will maximize your efforts out on the dating scene.

Profile Of A Successful Gay Dater:

10. He lives a life that he loves with a clear vision of his future and is armed with self-knowledge and awareness.

It’s critical that you avoid defining your whole life around dating and finding a boyfriend. This is just one aspect of your life and you don’t want to neglect and avoid the other parts of your identity. Know who you are, what you want, and where you’re going in your life.

Develop a crisp, clear vision of how you want to be and the type of life you’d like to lead and succinctly define your personal values, passions, and life purpose and live according to them. Look and feel your best! And remember, “The Law of Attraction” states that like attracts like; what you put out there and show the world has the tendency to attract the same back to you---and that goes for dating too!

9. He knows his personal requirements and refuses to tolerate anything less.

The best defense that you can have in the midst of all those men to choose from is to know what your non-negotiable needs are; things you absolutely must have or absolutely cannot have in a relationship for you to be with that particular guy. This will help you weed through the potentials and the Mr. Wrongs. And don’t sway from your requirements, no matter how hot he is! You’ll be saving yourself a lot of grief in the long run.

8. He has a solid knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Be aware of the ingredients of a healthy partnership. This can help you detect any red flags in your dating relationship that might be “deal-breakers” or areas that the two of you could work on together. Such qualities include each person having a strong sense of self with solid boundaries, open communication, flexibility, commitment, ability to have fun, capable of non-defensive conflict negotiation, having emotional connection and intimacy, affection, sexual compatibility, etc.

7. He has a strong support system, access to resources, and is comfortable being alone.

It’s important when your single to have a good friendship network going (they can be great match-makers sometimes) and have a circle of people in your life who support you and care about you. Additionally, become knowledgeable about the resources that exist in your community for LGBT individuals as additional components you can add to your network. And learn creative ways for coping with loneliness by utilizing this alone time for self-reflection, relaxation, and movement toward your personal goals and vision.

6. He has overcome a lot of the male socialization barriers that can interfere with relationship quality of life.

“Men are tough. Men don’t cry. Men don’t show emotions.”You know, all those mumbo jumbo messages all of us men, gay and straight, had to internalize growing up. These scripts that are supposed to define manhood limit our ability to live freely. As a result, many gay relationships tend to be highlighted by competition, status, power/control struggles, and lack of effective communication skills and expression of feelings.

Put two men together in a dating situation with the same socialization scripts, and these are relationship killers! Define for yourself what being a man means, develop comfort with your masculinity and gender, and don’t be held back by these prejudicial sanctions.

( Part Two Tomorrow )

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

thanks Brian and Michael@gaytwogether,com

Mankind Is No Island

G'day JustinO,

Here's an Aussie who got the idea to shoot a very short film entirely on a cell phone, using scenes from New York and Sydney. He entered it in a competition and won.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrDxe9gK8Gk

Gary

MANKIND IS NO ISLAND - Tropfest NY 2008 Winner ...

By TROPFEST| 1 video

Watch

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Gay activist Raymond Taavel beaten to death in Halifax – Hundreds mourn at vigil

GUS

– APRIL 18, 2012POSTED IN: QUEER COMMUNITY

A prominent gay rights activist is being remembered in Halifax tonight. Raymond Taavel died yesterday after being brutally beaten. Police are now trying to figure out if this was a hate crime.

Toronto Sun reports:

Some 500 people filled Gottingen Street in Halifax Tuesday night to mourn the man who had been beaten to death there earlier that morning.

Raymond Taavel, 49, a community activist who fought for gay rights and electoral reform, was found beaten and bloody on the street outside a gay bar in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

Witnesses reportedly told police they saw a man yelling “faggot” before getting into an altercation with two smaller men, one of whom fled. Police and emergency crews arrived soon after, but Taavel died at the scene. Cops used a police dog to track down the suspect, hiding nearby.

Taavel’s friends say he died trying to break up a fight between the other two men, and many people are labelling his murder a hate crime — a theory policewould not confirm or deny.

“We are exploring all possibilities with regards to motives,” Const. Brian Palmeter said.

Read the full article via TORONTO SUN

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