I think these ideas could be evocative and provocative conversation starters and engagers. How many run into this kind of situation . . . .friends we know or maybe in our own partnership?
VIP NOTE: If you pass this on online..in a blog or some other public media you MUST be aware of copyright requirements. I have permission from both Brian and Michael to use this material in JUSTIN DUNES. My permissions do not necessarily extend to you;sorry, I am unable to share their permission with you. It is amazing, but there are those people who follow up on such things, and go after the original person who uses this in his blog. ;-) To say you got this material from my blog is not sufficient: it doesn't cover you.
Thanks for your cooperation. Justin.
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Posted: 19 Feb 2012 12:51 PM PST
Dear Dr. Brian:
I have a problem with my partner. We’ve been together for 8 months now, but the last 5 have been constant fighting over my behavior and character. He wants me to change and be more strong like he is, to stop being romantic and so emotional to the point I cry, to separate my personal and work lives, to not be influenced by others, and to be more talkative and have standards in my life. I have tried, but nothing seems to be enough for him. He’s talked about breaking up with me.I don’t know what to do anymore to please him and I don’t want to lose him. What should I do?" - Backed In A Corner_____________________________________________ Dear Backed In A Corner:
Thank you for writing and I am very concerned by your letter. After 8 months of being together, your relationship with your boyfriend is still very young and should be a time of discovery and fun as the two of you share experiences together to build a foundation as a couple. Instead, it sounds like your relationship has become dominated and defined by conflict and negativity and this is a serious red flag that should not be ignored.
While I’m only hearing one side of the story, I have some concerns for the way that you are being treated. While I do advocate for all of us to be striving for personal growth to better ourselves, it sounds like your boyfriend is doing a lot of dictating about how you “should” be. Having a strong character with good values and integrity is very important, as is good work/life balance, being assertive and communicative, and having a solid vision and life goals. His need to have you improve upon these areas might very well be appropriate, however how is he presenting this to you?
Is he supportive and encouraging or demanding and critical? Is he trying to control and manipulate you? Whose goals are these…yours or his? The thing that really concerns me the most though is his statement that he wants you to stop being romantic and emotional. If this is an inherent part of who you are (there is absolutely nothing wrong with being romantic, passionate, and prone to crying), it is unfair for him to judge you and try to change these aspects that are core to your identity.
Is it possible you’re dealing with someone who is controlling and narcissistic? You will also want to examine your role in some of the problems in the relationship so you can take responsibility for your part in the fights and make those changes as needed. However, with the last 5 months having been characterized as “constant fighting”, I’m also worried that there may possibly be some emotional/verbal abuse occurring and this is never a good thing as your self-esteem can take a hit and it is extremely disrespectful and demeaning. If you do the same thing back to him, you’re perpetrating as well and are only serving to reinforce the dysfunction.
Tread very carefully, my friend. There are a lot of warning signs here that indicate this might not be such a healthy situation to be in. If your boyfriend wants to break up, it’s important that you validate for yourself that you deserve to be with someone who will treat you with positive regard and unconditional acceptance. Try to take stock of the lessons you learned about yourself and relationships and grieve your loss of him so your next partner choice will be more compatible with who you really are and want. Take the feedback you’ve heard from him and others about your behavior and decide for yourself what your strengths and weaknesses are and what traits about yourself you’d like to change for the better. Make yourself as “dateable” as possible and focus on building a stronger identity and self-esteem.
If you and your boyfriend discuss continuing to remain together, it’s important to remember several things. First, the two of you will need to improve your communication and conflict management skills and tolerate anger and frustration better. It will also be important for the two of you to create separate lists of what each of your negotiable and non-negotiable needs are for a partner and relationship and share these with each other. If either of you is unwilling to work on any non-negotiable needs that are identified, the relationship will likely perish and this should then alert you to not invest any more energy into it to avoid any more pain that would surely result.
It is critical that you be honest with yourself about what your true values are and never sacrifice your beliefs, values, and ideals just to stay in a relationship with someone. You’ll be giving up personal power and setting yourself up for a codependent relationship in which your needs will always be undermined and you’ll lose your sense of self. If your values don’t match, there will likely be ongoing conflict and tension and is a sign that this probably is not a good fit. The two of you would also benefit from seeking the services of a licensed counselor for both individual and couples therapy.
So take good care of yourself. The worst thing you could do in this situation is to ignore the warning signs and do what he wants you to do just to pacify him and hang on to the relationship.
Also take a look at what your fears about losing him are really all about and work on building your confidence and independence. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and to be able to be who you are; otherwise, that’s not really love..that’s control. It truly is better to be alone than trapped in a relationship where you’re not honored for who you are and made to feel “less than.” All the best to you with your decision-making. © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
( The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. )
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
THANKS, Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com
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Monday, February 20, 2012
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Posted: 17 Feb 2012 06:10 AM PST
How To Increase Your Odds of Finding True Love
1. Be the best person you can be. Live your life to the fullest with no expectations of a relationship. You may be trying too hard at finding love and that can be sabotaging. Lead an active and fulfilling lifestyle with purpose, meaning, and passion, and like-minded people will be attracted and drawn to your energy. Build your support system too and keep dreaming big! Throw yourself into personal growth and boost your self-esteem and confidence and eliminate any fears you may have
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2. Know yourself completely and develop your vision. This is the most important step! Be very clear about who you are, what you want, and how you’ll get it. Do this not only for your individual life, but also create a relationship and life partner vision. What are your needs, wants, values, and requirements for both? What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable? Be very specific.
3. When you begin dating, use this vision as your guide. Collect information and experiences from the men you date to gain a solid knowledge of who they are and make sure they’re in alignment with your vision. At the first sight of a non-negotiable trait they possess, disengage to avoid getting more invested and keep searching. A lot of people ignore these signs and then they get in too deep. Avoid this trap!
4. Explore your past relationships with men. Do you see any patterns in the types of men you’re attracted to or the type of relationships you’ve had? Are you continually getting involved with emotionally unavailable men? Are you projecting your own issues onto these men? Are you really ready for a relationship as much as you may want it? Do you have any unfinished business from a prior relationship that prevents you from being able to grieve it and let it go? These are all things to consider as you do your self-analysis.
5. Identify your relationship beliefs. These pre-conceived notions and thoughts may be holding you back and sabotaging your efforts. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts might include: “All the good ones are taken”; “Gay relationships don’t last”; “I failed at relationships before, so I will again”; “Gay men can’t commit. I’ll be alone forever”, etc. Work at creating new beliefs to dispute these and gather evidence to prove these negative ones wrong.
Conclusion
So in a nutshell, work aggressively at the above points and you’ll be at a good starting point. Other things to consider might be to live your life to the max and a relationship will happen when you’re not pressuring yourself so much because you’re happy and living with purpose. Become really attractive “on the inside” and you will attract similar people (The Law of Attraction).
Be visible, take risks and stretch out of your comfort zone, develop skills to boost your confidence and cope with feelings of loneliness, develop solid boundaries, and always stay true to your vision no matter what. Good luck with your quest! One good catch deserves another!
© Brian L. Rzepczynski
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
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~~~ THANKS to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com |
Friday, February 17, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Is this a repeat? Needed still ? ;-))
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Posted: 16 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST
I am passionate and good in bed and believe I have a good personality and sense of humor. I have my own place, a new car, a great job, and I’m very successful in my career that holds a lot of promise for more growth and success. So I guess my biggest question is why am I alone? I treat the guys I have gone out with really well. Yet, it never seems to be enough. I just want to build a life with someone who has ambition, dreams, and who will love me and look out for me as I would for him." - ( Gay Man, age 29 )
This young man is not alone with his predicament. Millions of singles, both gay and straight, face the same frustrations and challenges involved in their dating quests for their true life partners. Finding a compatible, quality guy to settle down with is one of the most important decisions you'll make, so it's important to assess how your dating experiences and choices are matching with your needs and goals, particularly if you've been dealing with a series of dating mishaps and dissatisfactions.
The question of “why am I still single?” is a very complex issue that can’t be done justice with answering in a short article, but this piece will package some key points that will hopefully get you started with figuring out your own situation if you're pondering this common question; perhaps it will become a launching pad for you in approaching your dates differently.
It certainly can be challenging trying to find a decent man to build your life with, someone who’s got a good head on his shoulders and who’s been able to overcome a lot of the garbage we gay men have to go through to feel ok about ourselves in this homophobic society. You feel like you're a motivated person with lots of potential and possibility ahead of you, driven to succeed and achieve.You also believe that you're a "good catch" and know that you have a lot to contribute and give in a romantic relationship if given the opportunity. But how do you find that in another guy?
There are a multitude of reasons why someone may still be single when they truly desire a relationship. Maybe they keep attracting the same kind of partner who’s wrong for them, or they’re unrealistic in their standards, or they have weak social and dating skills, or they fear losing their personal freedom, among many others.
Many gay men have a difficult time establishing and maintaining intimate relationships because of internalized homophobia or intimacy fears. And then it becomes very easy to take on a "victim mentality" and become overly-focused on the flaws of the men we date. Taken a step further, one can then begin developing beliefs like "It's never going to happen for me; they always turn out to be such losers" or "Gay men aren't capable of having long-term relationships", among others. These are all false, of course, but easily born out of frustration and hopelessness.
The truth is, we can’t change other people. What's most important at this juncture is to relax, take the emphasis off of the other guys and why they are the way they are, and put your energy into examining the role that you may play in this problem, because that’s where the key to success is in you taking charge of your life and making personal changes where they’re needed. Below are some suggestions to get you started in the right direction:
[ continued tomorrow ] - How To Increase Your Odds of Finding True Love
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Wednesday, February 15, 2012
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Posted: 15 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST
In today’s competitive work environment, some people work 50 hours a week or more and still feel like slackers. This is true whether economic times are good or bad. In bad times we feel driven to work hard to avoid being laid off; in good times, the drive is to succeed and get ahead. Are you working to live or living to work? That question can be particularly important for gay men and women, who often channel extra energy into their careers. Success on the job can be particularly important for us – a way to demonstrate our worth in a world that’s often homophobic. It’s not unusual for people who feel part of a minority to feel additional pressure to prove themselves good enough. Putting in extra hours at the office can also be a way some people try to overcome self-doubt. How do you know if work is taking over your life? Sometimes the answer is obvious: you feel irritable, burned out and unhappy, for instance, or you find yourself spending Sunday dreading the thought of Monday morning. Or worse: you’re in the office on Sunday! If you haven’t had a vacation in a year or two, you’re probably out of balance. If you’re putting in such long hours that you’ve given up dating in favor of a quick hookup over the internet, that’s probably a clue as well. Changing the situation means coming to grips with a difficult truth: the person in charge of your life is you. Having a slave driver for a boss doesn’t change the equation. We’re talking about your life here. So how do you go about creating more balance? Take stock of your life, no excuses allowed. If work is taking too big a chunk out of your life, what other parts are getting short-changed? Notice if your relationships are suffering. Sometimes work creates a convenient excuse for avoiding intimacy. Decide what success looks like for you. Too many of us think of getting ahead only in terms of job advancement or making more money. What else do you value: friends, a partner, music, doing something creative, traveling or enjoying your home life? If you value something but spend little time pursuing that pleasure, you’re life is going to be out of whack. Learn to compartmentalize. Giving 100% on the job is fine, but when you leave your work place, let it go. Spending a lot of time thinking about work when you’re on your own time – answering email, checking voicemail, texting – means you’re not getting the sort of downtime necessary to avoid burn out. Fight perfectionism. Wanting to excel is fine, but the perfectionist loses perspective and needs to do everything, well, perfectly, even if the task at hand isn’t all that important. Sometimes “good enough” can liberate you to spend energy and time on what you truly value rather than wasting time on stuff that is ultimately not all that important. Learn to say no. You’re not Superman; stop acting like him. Taking on an endless supply of new projects when you can’t adequately deal with what’s already on your plate may make you feel like a great employee, but you’re letting yourself down. Reserve time in your schedule for people and events that are important to you. Whether it’s working out, rehearsing with the Gay Men’s Chorus or making dinner for your partner, your life is going to be richer if you make time for what’s important for you. Consider the place of beauty in your life. Do you make time to listen to music, create or enjoy art, dance, cook or otherwise do something just because it attracts and stimulates your senses? What kind of a life will you have if all your efforts are only utilitarian? Still have a problem? Consider a job change. Changing to a new line of work may seem drastic, but not enjoying your life is actually a much bigger deal. If you can’t make a change right now, start planning for a change for the not-too-distant future. It’s up to you to decide what’s most important in your world.
© John R. Ballew
John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536.
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Thanks, Michael@gaytwogether.com
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A HUGE amount of WISDOM contained here. . . . ;-)
"It
is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and
persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and
unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for
years or even generations." - Khalil Gibran
"It
is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and
persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and
unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for
years or even generations." - Khalil Gibran
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