JUSTIN DUNES

New Jersey Assembly Approves Gay Marriage Bill

Is this a repeat? Needed still ? ;-))

"PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM . . ."

Doing homework. . . . .;-)

LATEST NEWS FROM GARY

HALLELUJER,

PEACE QUOTE

The Golden Oldies

Extrovert - Introvert ? Fisherman. . Thief. . ? ;-)A

Rejection - part 2

Genetic or Not, Gay Won’t Go Away

Don’t Call Introverted Children ‘Shy’

News from Down Under

Gingrich: Gay Marriage a 'Perfect Example of What I Mean by the Rise of Paganism'

Starting NEW? hmmmm,. . . . ..

Conclusion

This post first appeared on Justin Dunes in November 2009. Often enough when Blogger posts stats and comments about blog contents this article is shown as one of the most frequently visited pages on JustinDunes . I looked it over again this morning and decided to "Play it again, Sam". . .and see what you may be thinking on the topic today. So please, feel free to express your own feeling and ideas about this and similar topics. Thanks. justin

REGULAR GUYS. . . . . .

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[ continued tomorrow ] - How To Increase Your Odds of Finding True Love

© Brian L. Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Tips for Becoming a Dating Man of Integrity

© Brian L. Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

8 comments:

©2009 Brian Rzepczynski

By REUTERS

Published: February 16, 2012 at 5:00 PM ET

OP-ED COLUMNIST

By FRANK BRUNI

Published: January 28, 2012

Ben Wiseman

Go to Columnist Page »

2012-02-20T11:46:00.000-05:00

I think these ideas could be evocative and provocative conversation starters and engagers. How many run into this kind of situation . . . .friends we know or maybe in our own partnership?

VIP NOTE: If you pass this on online..in a blog or some other public media you MUST be aware of copyright requirements. I have permission from both Brian and Michael to use this material in JUSTIN DUNES. My permissions do not necessarily extend to you;sorry, I am unable to share their permission with you. It is amazing, but there are those people who follow up on such things, and go after the original person who uses this in his blog. ;-) To say you got this material from my blog is not sufficient: it doesn't cover you.

Thanks for your cooperation. Justin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gay Relationships: "I'm Not Good Enough For My Partner"

Posted: 19 Feb 2012 12:51 PM PST

( Gay Relationships: Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski )

Dear Dr. Brian:

I have a problem with my partner. We’ve been together for 8 months now, but the last 5 have been constant fighting over my behavior and character. He wants me to change and be more strong like he is, to stop being romantic and so emotional to the point I cry, to separate my personal and work lives, to not be influenced by others, and to be more talkative and have standards in my life. I have tried, but nothing seems to be enough for him. He’s talked about breaking up with me.I don’t know what to do anymore to please him and I don’t want to lose him. What should I do?" - Backed In A Corner_____________________________________________

Dear Backed In A Corner:

Thank you for writing and I am very concerned by your letter. After 8 months of being together, your relationship with your boyfriend is still very young and should be a time of discovery and fun as the two of you share experiences together to build a foundation as a couple. Instead, it sounds like your relationship has become dominated and defined by conflict and negativity and this is a serious red flag that should not be ignored.

While I’m only hearing one side of the story, I have some concerns for the way that you are being treated. While I do advocate for all of us to be striving for personal growth to better ourselves, it sounds like your boyfriend is doing a lot of dictating about how you “should” be. Having a strong character with good values and integrity is very important, as is good work/life balance, being assertive and communicative, and having a solid vision and life goals. His need to have you improve upon these areas might very well be appropriate, however how is he presenting this to you?

Is he supportive and encouraging or demanding and critical? Is he trying to control and manipulate you? Whose goals are these…yours or his? The thing that really concerns me the most though is his statement that he wants you to stop being romantic and emotional. If this is an inherent part of who you are (there is absolutely nothing wrong with being romantic, passionate, and prone to crying), it is unfair for him to judge you and try to change these aspects that are core to your identity.

Is it possible you’re dealing with someone who is controlling and narcissistic? You will also want to examine your role in some of the problems in the relationship so you can take responsibility for your part in the fights and make those changes as needed. However, with the last 5 months having been characterized as “constant fighting”, I’m also worried that there may possibly be some emotional/verbal abuse occurring and this is never a good thing as your self-esteem can take a hit and it is extremely disrespectful and demeaning. If you do the same thing back to him, you’re perpetrating as well and are only serving to reinforce the dysfunction.

Tread very carefully, my friend. There are a lot of warning signs here that indicate this might not be such a healthy situation to be in. If your boyfriend wants to break up, it’s important that you validate for yourself that you deserve to be with someone who will treat you with positive regard and unconditional acceptance. Try to take stock of the lessons you learned about yourself and relationships and grieve your loss of him so your next partner choice will be more compatible with who you really are and want. Take the feedback you’ve heard from him and others about your behavior and decide for yourself what your strengths and weaknesses are and what traits about yourself you’d like to change for the better. Make yourself as “dateable” as possible and focus on building a stronger identity and self-esteem.

If you and your boyfriend discuss continuing to remain together, it’s important to remember several things. First, the two of you will need to improve your communication and conflict management skills and tolerate anger and frustration better. It will also be important for the two of you to create separate lists of what each of your negotiable and non-negotiable needs are for a partner and relationship and share these with each other. If either of you is unwilling to work on any non-negotiable needs that are identified, the relationship will likely perish and this should then alert you to not invest any more energy into it to avoid any more pain that would surely result.

It is critical that you be honest with yourself about what your true values are and never sacrifice your beliefs, values, and ideals just to stay in a relationship with someone. You’ll be giving up personal power and setting yourself up for a codependent relationship in which your needs will always be undermined and you’ll lose your sense of self. If your values don’t match, there will likely be ongoing conflict and tension and is a sign that this probably is not a good fit. The two of you would also benefit from seeking the services of a licensed counselor for both individual and couples therapy.

So take good care of yourself. The worst thing you could do in this situation is to ignore the warning signs and do what he wants you to do just to pacify him and hang on to the relationship.

Also take a look at what your fears about losing him are really all about and work on building your confidence and independence. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and to be able to be who you are; otherwise, that’s not really love..that’s control.

It truly is better to be alone than trapped in a relationship where you’re not honored for who you are and made to feel “less than.” All the best to you with your decision-making.

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

( The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. )

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

THANKS, Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-20T10:03:00.003-05:00

WHY Am I Still Single? Part Two

Posted: 17 Feb 2012 06:10 AM PST

[ continued from yesterday ]

How To Increase Your Odds of Finding True Love

1. Be the best person you can be. Live your life to the fullest with no expectations of a relationship. You may be trying too hard at finding love and that can be sabotaging. Lead an active and fulfilling lifestyle with purpose, meaning, and passion, and like-minded people will be attracted and drawn to your energy. Build your support system too and keep dreaming big! Throw yourself into personal growth and boost your self-esteem and confidence and eliminate any fears you may have

2. Know yourself completely and develop your vision. This is the most important step! Be very clear about who you are, what you want, and how you’ll get it. Do this not only for your individual life, but also create a relationship and life partner vision. What are your needs, wants, values, and requirements for both? What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable? Be very specific.

3. When you begin dating, use this vision as your guide. Collect information and experiences from the men you date to gain a solid knowledge of who they are and make sure they’re in alignment with your vision. At the first sight of a non-negotiable trait they possess, disengage to avoid getting more invested and keep searching. A lot of people ignore these signs and then they get in too deep. Avoid this trap!

4. Explore your past relationships with men. Do you see any patterns in the types of men you’re attracted to or the type of relationships you’ve had? Are you continually getting involved with emotionally unavailable men? Are you projecting your own issues onto these men? Are you really ready for a relationship as much as you may want it? Do you have any unfinished business from a prior relationship that prevents you from being able to grieve it and let it go? These are all things to consider as you do your self-analysis.

5. Identify your relationship beliefs. These pre-conceived notions and thoughts may be holding you back and sabotaging your efforts. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts might include: “All the good ones are taken”; “Gay relationships don’t last”; “I failed at relationships before, so I will again”; “Gay men can’t commit. I’ll be alone forever”, etc. Work at creating new beliefs to dispute these and gather evidence to prove these negative ones wrong.

Conclusion

So in a nutshell, work aggressively at the above points and you’ll be at a good starting point. Other things to consider might be to live your life to the max and a relationship will happen when you’re not pressuring yourself so much because you’re happy and living with purpose. Become really attractive “on the inside” and you will attract similar people (The Law of Attraction).

Be visible, take risks and stretch out of your comfort zone, develop skills to boost your confidence and cope with feelings of loneliness, develop solid boundaries, and always stay true to your vision no matter what. Good luck with your quest! One good catch deserves another!

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

~~~ THANKS to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

Good morning All y'ALL. . . This has been circulating thru the internet of the School of Pharmacology. . . .lol

Subject: Acetaminophen

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

  Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

=

2012-02-16T17:46:00.002-05:00

Follow@NYTNationalfor breaking news and headlines.

Twitter List: Reporters and Editors

TRENTON, New Jersey (Reuters) - New Jersey's Assembly voted 41 to 33 on Thursday to approve a gay marriage bill that could pave the way for New Jersey to join six other states where same-sex couples can today legally wed.

To become law, the bill would have to be signed by Governor Chris Christie, a Republican who has promised to veto the measure.

2012-02-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

The Very Thought Of Him Gallery

Gay Relationships: Why Am I Still Single? Part One

Posted: 16 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

"I’m so fed up with being a “nice guy” and getting nowhere for it. I continue to be perplexed by my situation and want to understand better why others act the way they do, what I am doing wrong, and what things I can do to improve myself. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I’m not a model, but I’m often told by people that I’m “hot” and how nice and sweet I am.

I am passionate and good in bed and believe I have a good personality and sense of humor. I have my own place, a new car, a great job, and I’m very successful in my career that holds a lot of promise for more growth and success. So I guess my biggest question is why am I alone? I treat the guys I have gone out with really well. Yet, it never seems to be enough. I just want to build a life with someone who has ambition, dreams, and who will love me and look out for me as I would for him." - ( Gay Man, age 29 )

This young man is not alone with his predicament. Millions of singles, both gay and straight, face the same frustrations and challenges involved in their dating quests for their true life partners. Finding a compatible, quality guy to settle down with is one of the most important decisions you'll make, so it's important to assess how your dating experiences and choices are matching with your needs and goals, particularly if you've been dealing with a series of dating mishaps and dissatisfactions.

The question of “why am I still single?” is a very complex issue that can’t be done justice with answering in a short article, but this piece will package some key points that will hopefully get you started with figuring out your own situation if you're pondering this common question; perhaps it will become a launching pad for you in approaching your dates differently.

Reasons Why We're Still Single

It certainly can be challenging trying to find a decent man to build your life with, someone who’s got a good head on his shoulders and who’s been able to overcome a lot of the garbage we gay men have to go through to feel ok about ourselves in this homophobic society. You feel like you're a motivated person with lots of potential and possibility ahead of you, driven to succeed and achieve.You also believe that you're a "good catch" and know that you have a lot to contribute and give in a romantic relationship if given the opportunity. But how do you find that in another guy?

There are a multitude of reasons why someone may still be single when they truly desire a relationship. Maybe they keep attracting the same kind of partner who’s wrong for them, or they’re unrealistic in their standards, or they have weak social and dating skills, or they fear losing their personal freedom, among many others.

Many gay men have a difficult time establishing and maintaining intimate relationships because of internalized homophobia or intimacy fears. And then it becomes very easy to take on a "victim mentality" and become overly-focused on the flaws of the men we date. Taken a step further, one can then begin developing beliefs like "It's never going to happen for me; they always turn out to be such losers" or "Gay men aren't capable of having long-term relationships", among others. These are all false, of course, but easily born out of frustration and hopelessness.

The truth is, we can’t change other people. What's most important at this juncture is to relax, take the emphasis off of the other guys and why they are the way they are, and put your energy into examining the role that you may play in this problem, because that’s where the key to success is in you taking charge of your life and making personal changes where they’re needed. Below are some suggestions to get you started in the right direction:

~~~THANKS to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-15T19:08:00.000-05:00

It's About You: Balancing Work and Life

Posted: 15 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

You’ve probably heard the saying that no one looks back on his deathbed and wishes he had spent more time at the office. Trouble is, that’s not necessarily the way your supervisor looks at things.

In today’s competitive work environment, some people work 50 hours a week or more and still feel like slackers. This is true whether economic times are good or bad. In bad times we feel driven to work hard to avoid being laid off; in good times, the drive is to succeed and get ahead.

Are you working to live or living to work?

That question can be particularly important for gay men and women, who often channel extra energy into their careers. Success on the job can be particularly important for us – a way to demonstrate our worth in a world that’s often homophobic. It’s not unusual for people who feel part of a minority to feel additional pressure to prove themselves good enough. Putting in extra hours at the office can also be a way some people try to overcome self-doubt.

How do you know if work is taking over your life? Sometimes the answer is obvious: you feel irritable, burned out and unhappy, for instance, or you find yourself spending Sunday dreading the thought of Monday morning. Or worse: you’re in the office on Sunday! If you haven’t had a vacation in a year or two, you’re probably out of balance. If you’re putting in such long hours that you’ve given up dating in favor of a quick hookup over the internet, that’s probably a clue as well.

Changing the situation means coming to grips with a difficult truth: the person in charge of your life is you. Having a slave driver for a boss doesn’t change the equation. We’re talking about your life here. So how do you go about creating more balance?

Take stock of your life, no excuses allowed. If work is taking too big a chunk out of your life, what other parts are getting short-changed? Notice if your relationships are suffering. Sometimes work creates a convenient excuse for avoiding intimacy.

Decide what success looks like for you. Too many of us think of getting ahead only in terms of job advancement or making more money. What else do you value: friends, a partner, music, doing something creative, traveling or enjoying your home life? If you value something but spend little time pursuing that pleasure, you’re life is going to be out of whack.

Learn to compartmentalize. Giving 100% on the job is fine, but when you leave your work place, let it go. Spending a lot of time thinking about work when you’re on your own time – answering email, checking voicemail, texting – means you’re not getting the sort of downtime necessary to avoid burn out.

Fight perfectionism. Wanting to excel is fine, but the perfectionist loses perspective and needs to do everything, well, perfectly, even if the task at hand isn’t all that important. Sometimes “good enough” can liberate you to spend energy and time on what you truly value rather than wasting time on stuff that is ultimately not all that important.

Learn to say no. You’re not Superman; stop acting like him. Taking on an endless supply of new projects when you can’t adequately deal with what’s already on your plate may make you feel like a great employee, but you’re letting yourself down.

Reserve time in your schedule for people and events that are important to you. Whether it’s working out, rehearsing with the Gay Men’s Chorus or making dinner for your partner, your life is going to be richer if you make time for what’s important for you.

Consider the place of beauty in your life. Do you make time to listen to music, create or enjoy art, dance, cook or otherwise do something just because it attracts and stimulates your senses? What kind of a life will you have if all your efforts are only utilitarian?

Still have a problem? Consider a job change. Changing to a new line of work may seem drastic, but not enjoying your life is actually a much bigger deal. If you can’t make a change right now, start planning for a change for the not-too-distant future. It’s up to you to decide what’s most important in your world.

John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536.

Thanks, Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-15T13:20:00.002-05:00

A HUGE amount of WISDOM contained here. . . . ;-)

Quotes & Quips - Khalil Gibran

"It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations." - Khalil Gibran

2012-02-14T11:12:00.002-05:00

Gay Relationships: The Ethical Dating Man - Part Two

Posted: 14 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

( Continued From Yesterday )"One of the most common complaints I receive from single gay men about the dating scene is their frustration and pain of wearing “the battle scars” of mistreatment at the hands of other men they’ve met for potential friendship and dating."

In the world of online communication, we can begin to feel disconnected from the human experience. Don’t! Remember that the man on the other side of the computer screen is a human being with feelings.

Treat him kindly as you would if you were speaking to him in-person. Good-manners are sexy!Remember to use “please”, “thank you”, and all the other common courtesies we were supposed to have been taught as children; and if you weren’t fortunate enough to get this kind of training, now is the time to start educating yourself on how to become more socially sophisticated and savvy.

Not only will you become more polished, but you’ll also be engendering more positive impressions of yourself in the minds of others as you treat them with the respect they deserve.

If you’re not interested in seeing someone again for a date, tell him so directly. Or if you initially agree and then change your mind, tell him. A simple “Thank you for taking the time to meet me and I enjoyed talking with you. I don’t think we’d be a match for dating but I wish you all the best” is a much better approach than game-playing, lying, and deceit

Homework Task:

Sit back, relax, and conduct a values clarification visualization in your mind of what you picture as being a man of integrity. What does he say and do that strikes you as admirable and well-mannered? Write down all the qualities and characteristics that describe this ideal man in his presentation, style, and demeanor from an individual and social standpoint. Then identify those qualities that resonate with who you are now versus those traits that you’d like to aspire to become.

Develop goals for yourself to begin working on building and integrating those qualities into your identity as a starting-point for your personal evolution into the ultimate man of depth and substance you’d like to become.

Remember that high self-esteem results when we behave in accordance with our values and personal ethics.

If we all as gay men developed the mindset of living with integrity and becoming more socially conscious of the effects our behavior has on others, the dating world might perhaps feel a little less dangerous and more of a welcome and safe environment to get to know other men.

One man at a time can generate this movement. In closing, here is a quote from therapist and book author Joe Kort that I just love that speaks directly to the message of this article. Use this gem as an affirmation to take personal inventory and responsibility for who you are and want to be as a gay man.

“Would the small child you once were look up to the adult that you have become?” – Joe Kort, LMSW

THANKS to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-13T11:32:00.000-05:00

so, GUYS, what do you make of this notion? An actualized program for "ordinary guys", , gay/bi/what-have-you? Check it out and share your thoughts with the rest of us. I know, for me, this is a forum which helps me broaden, re-assess, change my thinking about issues. We need 'guy talk' to help us vent ideas and feelings and inter-relate with others. Thanks.

Mission Statement
Why a group for masculine gay men
Stereotypes

"In the 22 years I've been reading personal ads, I've never once read one that says, 'GWM seeks bitchy queen for LTR.'"

In other words...

There's more than one way to be gay!

We don’t all have the same interests.
Camp, drag, & divas are as foreign to some of us as football and car repair are to others. There are many masculine gay guys who can’t relate to gay culture. We frequently have a very different "take" on what it means to be both a man and gay man. We often are not connected to the gay community, which, in turn, tends to view us with some suspicion (they say we’re "not gay enough"; we’re "repressed"). Well, we think you shouldn’t have to apologize for having a masculine slant.

Coop said...: Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like what they say on their stereotypes page: "It’s a sad fact that some gay people buy into – even cling to – the very stereotypes they often complain about."

There are Questioning/ Gay teen boys out there watching Will &Grace, seeing gay male masculinity personified in Porn (emphasis on leather and mustaches), and the character in Legally Blonde who could pick out last season's Prada... These poor boys probably model themselves on that. How do I know this?? I'm talking about me.

Luckily, my college experiences intervened and let me form my own identity. Shannon, Justin, my fellows in online communities, and EVEN my str8 and supportive FRIENDS have helped.

How do I face the GAY community without shame though?; November 3, 2009 4:10 PM
J said...: Sure sounds worthwhile to me, and long overdue.; November 3, 2009 4:40 PM
Gary Kelly said...: If I wanted someone who walked and talked funny I'd get a girlfriend.; November 4, 2009 3:32 AM
Stew said...: I was actually part of a gay camping and social club for a few years. Of which the members were never much to look at if you like the typical gay guy. I dread to say that I was the token gay guy in the club.

It was a great idea and we did a lot of wonderful things. It really helped me build myself as a man as well as accept myself as gay.

The club had it's management problems and is now gone, but I made a lot of lasting friendships from it.

I would be very happy to see this group succeed. Something like this can be a huge help to gay Men everywhere.; November 4, 2009 6:04 AM
Justin Dunes said...: I appreciate your comments. Learning. Good to hear how others feel.
One area where I am most uncomfortable and and with which I do not identify is the whole annual Gay Pride days and parades. I do not want others to think "Justin is like that?!"

The antics I have seen and heard about which disgust me the most is denigrating, mocking, tearing down those who do not agree with us.

I know glbt folk have suffered much from uninformed church people of the various stripes. And I am opposed to their scare/threat tactics. . .and most of all opposed to the shame and guilt these types have fostered "in the name of God." [I can almost hear God saying "Don't blame me. Was never any of my doing!"]

As a Catholic gay man, I am piss-angered by sme of the tasteless antics in some places to denigate, disparage, mock, criticize religious beliefs. We acquire nothing by violence done to others.

Specifically I have in mind the profanity of missuing/degrading objects which people of faith hold
sacred. Examples: hunky guys with a crucifix sticking out of their speedos. Prayer beads prominently displayed on near-naked bodies simulating f''king and oral sex.

I mind seeing religious garments paraded mockingly, and effegies of pope and bishops shamefully mocked.
I strenuously oppose -- regardless of the charities they reportedly do--- the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence from San Francisco. The mockery of the thousands of American nuns,sisters religious wowmen is totally unconscionable.

I am ashamed to have people even think I might support and worse be like that!

In the films, documentaries, TV programs I have seen about the Civil Rights Movement never did I see any actions /antics used which tore down or disrespected anyone! I can understand African-Americans not wanting Gay Pride to be associated in any way with the Civil Rights movement. There are too many times when we GAY PEOPLE are our own worst enemies! If we want respect and acceptance then we must be ready to accept and respect those who think differently from us. Verbal and mocking violence gain nothing for us but what that deserves.

All I know of the Gay Festivities in the Land of Oz downunder is what I saw on Shannon's blog and a few alied video clips. I didn't see any of the poor taste displays I've seen here in the US of A. We don't even do such things at home in Provincetown, that Gay Mecca of the North East.

The example of being gay I have seen from Sydney, for example, and from Shannon in his blog and conduct. . .with these I can and do identify. I have come to love and respect the gay man Shannon as he shows himself to us in his blog and in his one-to-one contacts. Likewise, the examples I see here from guys who post on my blog make me glad to call you friends.

We are all different. . . and thank God for that. . . I just don't want to be lumped with the sleaze and tawdry crap of the pseudo gay community. Do I think I am better or superior to them? I hope not! But I will say I am different. Even if I were judged to be a cheap tramp I hope I'd be me with dignity and a bit of class! hahahahaaa

Here my 6.5 cents. . LOL
justin; November 4, 2009 10:00 AM
Gary Kelly said...: Well said, Justin. I've always thought gay pride was way over the top. Just because the opposition is a bunch of loonies doesn't mean we should mimic them.

I believe that gay pride should be no different to straight pride or any other kind of pride. Pride is not about putting the other guy down, it's about strutting your stuff. It's not about being negative, it's about being positive. It's not about being superior, it's about being equal.

And that's my 6.5 cents worth.; November 4, 2009 9:59 PM
JustinO'Shea said...: Thanks, Gary, for your comments and support. I like your assurances I am not totally off the wall. .sometimes..hmmm. . .maybe a bit but not totally. lol
It helps my self-confidence.; November 5, 2009 12:08 AM
JustinO'Shea said...: COOP dude. .. .this leaves me curious.. ."How do I face the GAY community without shame though?"

You face me without shame, right? You face other guys without shame? We are all part of the GAY community.

WHY would you feel shame? Got any real reason? You do something mean, vile, vicious, violent, destructive, etc?

I hear you saying NO. OK, why do you feel shame? If you do, then it is your own choice. WHY would you choose to feel shame?

In a similar situation a buddy used to say "Can I watch?" Pissed me off. So I changed.; November 5, 2009 12:17 AM

2012-02-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

This is an excerpt from a new article/report on 'being in love'. . . . .what do you think. . . .?

<< The brains of the smitten participants reacted to photos of their sweethearts, producing emotional responses in the same parts of the brain normally involved with motivation and reward.

"Intense passionate love uses the same system in the brain that gets activated when a person is addicted to drugs," said study co-author Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.

In other words, you start to crave the person you're in love with like a drug.

Romantic love is a primitive response

Experts have said that romantic love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. Humans' brains have been wired to choose a mate, and we humans become motivated to win over that mate, sometimes going to extremes to get their attention and affection.

"You can feel happy when you're in love, but you can also feel anxious," said Aron's co-author, Lucy Brown, a neuroscientist at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York. "The other person becomes a goal in life," essentially, a prize. >>

This is the link. .. http://news.yahoo.com/falling-love-does-brain-191805648.html

2012-02-11T22:20:00.000-05:00

All Girl Biker Bar

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

2012-02-11T19:50:00.000-05:00

G'day JustinO,

Bothering me is cool. Just because I can't be bothered doing things sometimes doesn't mean you shouldn't be. I'm the one who's not very well, rememember. I think it's the rush from the first operation in early January (tumor) to the second in late January (stomach tube) to preparations for radiation therapy that's getting me down. I still haven't recovered from speech and eating problems from the first yet... not to mention chronic tiredness.

Next week I have my first double dose of radiation (4 doses) then a break for a month before the next double dose.

I'm sorry I can't be more positive right now, and I'm not sure when I'll start to improve, but thanks a stack for wishing me well and for letting me know I'm in your thoughts and prayers. It's very difficult to summon the mental energy for answering emails at the mo... or to focus on anything.

Gary

2012-02-11T15:18:00.001-05:00

College Boy Finds Jesus. . . . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az-HsO04zkU

2012-02-09T19:26:00.002-05:00

FYI. This a very narrow decision indeed. J
Prop 8 ruling: crafted to avoid Supreme Court review Source: keennewsservice.com Calling Proposition 8 “remarkably similar” to Colorado’s anti-gay Amendment 2 in 1992, a divided federal appeals court panel in San Francisco ruled Tuesday (February 7) that California’s same-sex marriage ban violates the federal constitution.

2012-02-09T12:03:00.000-05:00

New Gay Relationshps: "Finding Your Rhythm" - Part Two

Posted: 09 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

( continued from yesterday ) Nurturing new relationships takes time and effort. Let’s look at two uncomfortable issues that can come up: arguments and sexual interest.

Perhaps you’re home with Mr. Right and you have your first argument. Nothing too serious, but it’s hard not to feel unsettled. What’s going on here?

A piece of advice many couples have found works for them is: never go to bed angry. Stay with the argument until it gets resolved instead. Conflict can make you anxious when a relationship is new, but don’t shy away from speaking your mind.

Relationships where one or both partners avoid showing their true feelings in disputes with one another are relationships that aren’t going to last.

See if you can let your partner express what he’s feeling upset about without getting defensive. Acknowledge that you’ve heard what he’s saying; if you think he’s right, say so. If you think he’s off base, let him know. Understand that relationships require compromise. The optimal outcome isn’t likely to be your partner unconditionally surrendering because you’ve out-argued him; the best outcome is going to be something that leaves each of you feeling well-heard and respected, and the issue in question moved toward resolution.

Don’t take everything personally, even if it’s tempting to do so. Some conflicts are just differences that need to be worked out in the interest of harmony.

Maybe the biggest mistake partners make is believing “I know what he is thinking.”  You don’t – at least not until you ask him. You think his lack of interest in sex last night meant he’s getting bored; maybe it just means he’s tired. Don’t make assumptions. Ask your partner what he’s thinking or feeling.

In fact, taking a few minutes regularly each week to check in is great practice that can deepen relationships.  Even ten minutes apiece to ask one another, “How are you this week?” can lead to better mutual understanding, greater closeness and more opportunity for intimacy.

Another difficult issue for couples moving beyond the newlywed stage is sexual interest.  When you are dating, sex with your new boyfriend feels pretty special. After a while you will get to know every hair and freckle on your partner’s body, and the novelty of sex will wear off. Life’s other demands can crowd out lovemaking. Most of us aren’t all that eager for sex after working long hours and knowing we’ve got another exhausting day ahead of us tomorrow. Throw in household chores and a hundred other distractions and sex can get pretty stale before you know it.

It may feel unromantic to schedule date night together, but doing penciling it in your Daytimers is a lot more romantic than watching another week go by without making enough time for one another. Some couples create routines or rituals that work for them: Friday nights are strictly for the two of them, no intrusions permitted, or Tuesday evenings are the night to cook a special dinner together rather than rely on the usual quick meal after work.

Keeping sex passionate requires paying attention.  When you are first together, the sex may be so hot it’s hard to believe things will every cool down – but they probably will. The frequency of lovemaking often slows down after a few months, but the satisfaction both partners receive from sex can increase as they learn more about how to turn one another on.

Take time to start your relationship off on the right foot and you’ll like the results.

John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org

~~~Thanks, MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-09T11:47:00.002-05:00

Although it is embarrassing and painful, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself. It is healing to know all the ways that you’re sneaky, all the ways that you hide out, all the ways that you shut down, deny, close off, criticize people, all your weird little ways. You can know all of that with some sense of humor and kindness. By knowing yourself, you’re coming to know humanness altogether. We are all up against these things.
- Pema Chodron

PEACE Quotes are offered by:
Living Compassion
transforming lives, ending suffering
http://livingcompassion.us1.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=32140a0081e9c5c40c022ccb2&id=68a0943f5e&e=25322dd007

2012-02-08T11:35:00.002-05:00

New Gay Relationshps: Finding Your Rhythm - Part One

Posted: 08 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

Allowing your partner to see you at times when you aren’t your best – when things haven’t gone well at work or you’ve had a painful conflict with your crazy family – isn’t stuff you would usually recommend for a first date. But being yourself in good times and bad is the way he’ll get to know you and the way the bonds of intimacy will deepen between you.

If you let your partner see you warts and all, he’ll probably show you his less-attractive stuff as well. It can be a little startling seeing Mr. Right’s flaws.

Don’t think you can change your partner. The start of a relationship offers a great opportunity to learn all about his eccentricities: the way he mispronounces that particular word of his, or his curious need to keep his checkbook in perfect balance. See if you can practice just noticing rather than criticizing.

Who is this peculiar creature that now shares your life? Promise yourself you won’t nit-pick these little things. Learn to relax and laugh at yourself and your reactions to these little things. Criticism and nagging aren’t going to get you off on the right foot.

Some men handle intimacy easier than others. Intimacy requires us to let down our guard and become more open and vulnerable. The trouble is, most men have learned from an early age that making yourself letting down your defenses is a stupid thing to do because you’re likely to get hurt. This makes closeness a real challenge for guys, even if it’s what we most want. You really care about what this guy thinks of you, and the temptation is to try to look good rather than be genuine.

One of the secrets of relationships is that if the relationship is a healthy one, we actually become safer in it by lowering our defenses. Our partner responds to our openness with more openness of his own, or we learn that the blemish that we worried would cause him to run away turns out to be no big deal.

John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHERor John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

~~~~~~~thanks Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-07T15:39:00.001-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/video/odd-15749658/raw-video-dolphins-surf-with-boy-28212915.html

2012-02-07T15:17:00.002-05:00

Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Tuesday, February 7, 2012 -- 1:16 PM EST
-----

Federal Appeals Court Rules California’s Ban on Gay Marriage Is Unconstitutional

A federal appeals court panel ruled Tuesday that a voter-approved ban on gay marriage in California violated the Constitution, all but ensuring that the case will proceed to the United States Supreme Court.

Read More:
http://www.nytimes.com/?emc=na

2012-02-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

Gay Relationships: 8 Tips For An Awesome First Impression - Part 1

Posted: 06 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

Whether you’re single and looking for “The One” or are trying to break into a social group or land a new job with a potential employer, you may only have one opportunity to peak someone’s interest and curiosity in who you are and what you might bring to the table.

It’s commonly said that people form a first impression of someone within minutes, and sometimes even seconds, of meeting him. Unlike those in your support system who know you intimately, new people only have limited knowledge about who you are and will form a judgment or an image about you by what they see and observe in their brief encounter with you.

This hardcore reality can make or break an interaction, so you want to make sure you put your best foot forward to increase your chances of success in whatever outcome you’re seeking to accomplish in that particular social exchange.

This article will offer some tips on how to make the most of your initial contacts with potential dating prospects so you can leave a favorable impression of yourself in their minds.This intrigue will compel them to want to learn more and then you’ll be well on your way toward landing that first date to gauge if there is any compatibility for some form of relationship moving forward.

Trying to “get your foot in the door” with someone can sometimes feel anxiety-provoking and laden with pressure, especially if you tend to be shy or find yourself in a situation that’s foreign or out of sorts for you. But by applying some of these suggestions and being yourself, you just might find yourself in the position to make your relationship goals come to fruition.

TOP 8 TIPS FOR MAKING A ROCK SOLID FIRST IMPRESSION

1. It’s All About Him!

This is probably the most important rule that the socially savvy gay dater must always follow if he wants to leave a lasting positive impression in the minds of any guy he’s interested in getting to know better. To snag the attentions of a guy, it’s always important to make him feel like the star. While reciprocation is important, the lead-in contact should be about meeting his needs first.

Take the initial emphasis off yourself and instead show lots of curiosity and interest about him. Capitalize on commonalities and try to make him feel good about his strengths you observe.

Avoid comments about physical appearance unless your intent is more about sexual cruising because this can be off-putting and may seem insincere and superficial. If the other guy is equally as savvy, he’ll mirror back the same style and the dialog will likely deepen.

2. Body Language is Key

Your words are only one part of the equation. Your non-verbal communication is probably more attuned to by your conversational partner than what you say and can have more power and believability to his interpretations of your credibility and character.

Make sure to smile, lean in when speaking to show interest, maintain good eye contact, watch your voice tone and rate of speech, and be as relaxed as possible to show a smooth composure. And make sure your body language and verbal speech are congruent and match.

3. Watch Your Communication Style

It’s important to have a balanced dialog with the guy you’re speaking with. Try to match each other’s style and avoid monopolizing the conversation or being a non-participant.

There should be a nice back-and-forth rhythm between the two of you and learn to become adept at reading social cues that indicate his interest or a lack thereof so that boundaries can be respected.

4. Be Yourself!

Even though you want to make a good impression, remember that this isn’t a performance. It’s essential to be the “real you”. Be authentic, fun, and interesting and use an appropriate amount of self-disclosure. People can spot an impostor a mile away.

Being fake is deceitful and starts relationships off on a dishonest foot. It also tends to attract the type of men who probably aren’t compatible with your relational partner vision anyway and wastes precious time and energy.

Part 2 - Tomorrow

~~~~~~thanks BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-06T17:08:00.002-05:00

2012-02-06T16:09:00.001-05:00

An awesome slow motion video . . . . .

http://www.dogwork.com/owfo8/

2012-02-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

Gay Relationships: Sometimes You Just Have To 'PUT ON THE LOVE BRAKES' To Make Sure You Go The Distance! - Part Two

Posted: 03 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

[ contiuned from yesterday ]

So how do you control yourself when you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy even though you know it’s best to wait? How do you handle these powerful feelings of attachment without losing your sense of self and without becoming too intertwined? Here are some action challenges to help keep you on the right track toward promoting a healthy relationship progression with your new dating prospect:

1. Be proactive, not reactive

This means to avoid acting on every impulse you have when it comes to your dating partner. Do you really need to call him for the fifth time today? Is it wise to send him one email after the other on the same day? Do you have to see him every day this week? By thinking about the consequences of your actions, you’ll be in a better position to guide the relationship along. If you need to, snap yourself with a rubber band to break out of an “impulse trance” to avoid making impulsive moves.

2. Balance togetherness with separateness

Beware of spending every waking hour with each other. You need breathing room and you don’t want the relationship to become suffocated by becoming too enmeshed. By having your own independent life separate from the relationship, you’ll be bringing fresh air into it that will help vitalize it and keep it exciting. Don’t forget you have other roles, responsibilities, and relationships that deserve and need your attention as well!

3. Find outlets for your impulses

Stave off those self-sabotaging urges by finding productive outlets for those impulses to “rush things along.” Such things as exercise, masturbation, fantasy, or writing can be helpful pursuits to channel your thoughts and feelings toward when all you want to do is direct your energies at your love interest. They can be constructive distractions and physical releases for “emergency relief.”

4. Stay anchored in the here-and-now

New lovers often times in their exuberance talk about what their futures will be like together and this definitely accelerates the pacing of the relationship. Instead, be fully present in every moment you share together and enjoy each opportunity together as a gift in “the now.” To help stay on an appropriate timeline for yourself, you can create a personal scrapbook of the memories and experiences you’ve shared with this special guy as a time-table and way to stay centered on going slow and relishing in getting to know each other.

5. Communication starts from “Day One”

Talk to each other about the thoughts and feelings that you’re having. This shared dialogue will help cement the bond between you even more and communication is one of the avenues toward building trust, respect, and intimacy. By keeping the feelings and temptations vocalized, they can be dealt with more directly.

Unspoken, suppressed desires have a way of erupting spontaneously and you’re more at risk for acting-out by keeping everything hidden. Obviously you’re not going to want to share everything you’re fantasizing about with your dating partner (there do need to be some boundaries!), but keeping the dialogue open and honest can help pace the momentum.

6. Always stay in touch with your personal requirements

Being mindful of the qualities and characteristics of your ideal partner and relationship can be an excellent barometer to gauge the pacing of your relationship. With every experience and contact you have with your new dating partner, you’re learning more and more about whether this is truly a goodness-of-fit.

Does he share similar values?
Does he stimulate me intellectually?
Is he trustworthy and loyal?
Can I be vulnerable with him and share my feelings?
Do we have physical chemistry and sexual compatibility?

These are all things that are learned in the process of your dating journey with this particular man. Stay true to your personal requirements and non-negotiable needs for a partner and relationship, and you can’t go wrong!

The beginning of a new dating relationship is often times characterized by an abundance of feel-good feelings that can be mind-boggling and overwhelming. Enjoy the thrill of what is happening to you and at the same time make sure that you stay in control of these feelings as opposed to the other way around.

Perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask yourself to ensure your relationship is pacing at a rate you are comfortable with before allowing yourself to be vulnerable and consider commitment would be: Has my dating partner consistently demonstrated through his words and actions that he is safe to let into my life and share my heart? The answer to that question can only be answered through the passage of time and shared experiences.

So slow down, think, and enjoy the ride!

~~~~~thanks BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-02T15:52:00.000-05:00

Gay Relationships: Sometimes You Just Have To 'PUT ON THE LOVE BRAKES' To Make Sure You Go The Distance! - Part One

Posted: 02 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

So now you’ve met someone from your personals ad who you really like and you both are eager to begin exploring the potential that exists in your new dating relationship. This is commonly called “the honeymoon phase” of a relationship and is definitely an exciting and invigorating time. It’s a time of aliveness where the attraction you have for your new boyfriend prospect bubbles over, causing you to think about him and wanting to be with him every waking second.

The separation pangs when you are apart nag at you and distract you from your daily tasks. You ache to be with him and find yourself preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of what “could be” that fuel your desire even further.

There’s actually a clinical term used to describe this phenomenon that exists at the beginning of every romantic relationship. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence is an involuntary state of intense desire and attachment toward another person whom you become attracted. You begin to idealize him and magnify all his good qualities.

It’s intrusive and provokes feelings of deep longing and passion to be with that person and these feelings can be blindingly strong. In fact, our bodies naturally produce an abundance of chemicals and amphetamines during the romantic love stage, including dopamine and the “love drug” phenylethylamine (PEA), that account for this state of euphoria and ultimate bliss.

The point of all of this is that when you first meet someone whom you share a strong attraction with, there’s a lot of powerful currents going on that could cause you to get swept away in the tidal wave of emotion and lead you to make impulsive and reckless decisions that could sabotage a potentially good thing you and your new dating partner could have if you’re not careful.

Many gay men make the mistake of rushing things along too quickly because it feels good, like having sex too soon or moving in together prematurely.

You want to ensure that you get your budding relationship off on the right path toward success! Enjoy this wonderful feeling that you’re having and bask in the glow of it; this is truly one of the greatest joys of life! And while you’re savoring it all, it’s also important at the same time that you balance and regulate these feelings so they don’t impair your judgment and cause you to act in ways that might disrupt healthy relationship development.

The key to accomplishing this is through pacing. Pacing refers to taking things slow and letting the relationship evolve and mature naturally. While there certainly are those relationships that prosper when the couple had sex on the first date, for example, having sex too early or rushing the relationship too quickly tends to be defeating because a foundation of trust and intimacy has not yet been set to withstand any eventual conflicts or strain that are a part of growing as a couple.

So how do you control yourself when you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy even though you know it’s best to wait?

[ continued tomorrow ]

~~~~~thanks to BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

Gay Relationships: When You’ve Screwed Up

Posted: 01 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

We all make mistakes, but some are more harmful than others. What do you do when you’ve made a big one, and your partner is now hurt and angry? Maybe you’ve had an affair or done something that has caused a major upset in your life and the life of the man you love.

Situations like this are a test. It’s a test of your relationship and whether or not it is solid enough to repair the damage done to it. The situation is also a test of your character. It’s important to do the right thing.

The first step is to be accountable. This is hard; do it anyway. No excuses. Offering an explanation (“Our sex life has been rotten for months”) is only going to add fuel to your partner’s anger. If you lied or broke an agreement between the two of you, it’s important that you acknowledge what you did. Doing so can begin the long road towards repairing your credibility.

If you’ve had an affair, answer your partner’s questions without giving him more information than is helpful. Own up to what you did. Keep in mind that this is about helping your partner work through his pain; it’s not about unburdening yourself. Avoid saying things that may make you feel better for getting them off your chest if your lover is going to feel hurt even more by the information.

Apologize and mean it. If you want the relationship to continue, say so. Understand that your partner may not be as clear as you are about what he wants. What does your partner need from you now? Understand that hiding information your partner has requested is likely to make things worse. Understand that your partner may find it difficult to trust you and may want to know where you are going and whom you’ll be with, for instance.

Be willing to listen to your partner’s feelings. This is not likely to be easy, but it’s what needs to happen. Expecting forgiveness before your partner is able to extend it is not going to help you. Be willing to hear what your partner has to say. If you can do this without being argumentative or defensive you’ll have gone a long way towards helping the wound heal.

Time heals many wounds. Make time for healing by being available for your partner if that’s what he wants; if what he wants is some space away from you right now, let him know that you will be around if he wants you.

Understand that forgiving is different from forgetting. You can ask for your partner’s forgiveness, but it is up to him to determine whether he can pardon your offense. If he’s able to do that, see if you can also forgive yourself.

Relationship or individual counseling may be needed to help you both move forward. One of the great things about being human is that we can learn and grow from even the most painful and difficult of situations.

Sometimes we become stronger in the broken places.

`````Thanks to MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

2012-02-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

Greg from Adelaide succinctly put it this way "So, which was do you swing Justin? (and I don't need to qualify that a second time, heehee!) " And another Aussie put it this way: Gary Kelly said...You're an introvert who likes to be seen, JustinO. Hehe And that, I think, puts is right on center. . .And I expressed it this way online: << .and I didn't cling to my dad's leg like the boy in the photo: I'd bring you my toy, whatever. . always watching your eyes for approval which I think I just assumed would be there since it always was en famille. . .when I didn't see it I was savvy enough to back off. . .and ultimately ignore you. . .hehe >>

There are those who hold that, by the age of 3 yo, we are pretty much shaped or set for life even before we head off to school "to be educated". If we accept this, then "education" makes sense: educare = to draw out of someone. When we are in school the teachers' imput "draws out" the patterns already formed from the influences of family life and our own choices to be sure our needs are met.

As I had stated earlier, I'd watch your eyes looking for the approval I had met in my home. . . and thought, too, I was smart enough to back away . . . .and ultimately ignore you.

Again, as has been expressed, I'd "reject" you before you had the chance to reject me. . .and so move on. . .

One of the major factors in my personality development has long been the need for the time and space to think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings. This is essential to understanding me, and more importantly, essential that I do make and take the time for this. That time alone to asses and evaluate stuff is essential to my balance in activities, relationships, to feeling that I know what I am doing and why,. . . just to maintain a certain amount of harmony and focus in my life.

One of the. ways I have learned to realize when I am ignoring and neglecting that quiet time, the reflective part of myself, etc, is that I become edgy, annoyed, too quick to react. . .quick, knee-jerk reactions to people and situations.
Or, more simply, I become less loving and caring about the people with whom I share my life.

That need for time and space. . . the care for the contemplative aspects of my personality. . . is totally essential if I am to be of any good to others, to myself. It has been suggested that this is "a selfish side" or a "self centered" side of my make-up. I do not agree with this at all. Loving others begins with knowing how to properly love myself and care for the needs of my inner-most being. If I cannot accept and love myself how can I ever be ready to love and care for another?

As a budding therapist if I can not and do not take care of me how can I possibly be any good for someone else? And who else knows better what I need, what I am feeling, what I am dealing with? I learned this from "my medical staff". . those enlightened women and men who have cared for me over the years: they taught me this and work on this premise - "You are the best judge of what is going on inside you. Tell us about that. . . perhaps we can help you." Good physical and mental health is a team effort. . . . like that bit of insight: "It takes a village to raise a child".

So, yes, I am an outgoing introvert. . . and being an introvert doesn't mean living in a cave "far from the haunts of men". .LOL. . any more than being an extrovert means you "do not have an unpublished thought."

justin o'shea

2012-01-31T18:35:00.000-05:00

Gay Relationships: Rejection Sucks! A Gay Guy's Primer On Dealing With It - Part 2

Posted: 31 Jan 2012 06:20 AM PST

( Continued From Yesterday )

Tips For Coping With Rejection:

The following are some ideas to help you re-frame the way you think about rejection so it doesn’t seem so unbearable. Your negative beliefs can have a strong hold over you because they’re trying to protect you against perceived threat or harm, so some of these tips might inspire an “oh please!” or “yeah right!” attitude. Let your mind be open and pick and choose those that might best fit your personality and style. View any resistance you may feel as an indication that your self-protection mechanisms may have been triggered and refuse to be held victim by them any longer.

* View rejection as a success. The fact that that guy doesn’t want to date you is saving you a lot of time and energy in building something that wouldn’t have worked out anyway. You’ve invested nothing, your heart is safe, and now you can channel your energies into new possibilities.

* Typically, rejection has nothing to do with you; it’s a projection of the other person’s wants, needs, and life experiences.He doesn’t really know you. All he is aware of is what he saw and what you shared with him about yourself, but that’s not the totality of who you are. It’s more about him. It’s not your fault, so avoid personalizing it and realize also that you are not Mr. Right for every guy you meet and vice versa. Most people you date will not be the right guy for you.

* Avoid attaching yourself to outcomes. Approach every date free from fantasy and as an opportunity to meet someone new. If something works out, then that’s an added bonus. Don’t mold yourself into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. Be the chooser!

* A fear of being alone is closely tied to fear of rejection. The more value you place on someone, the stronger the fear will be, so take the emphasis off of him and find ways to value yourself. Discover ways to be “happily single”, independent, and don’t put stock in being fulfilled in your life only if you’re in a relationship. Identify your strengths and recognize what makes you a “good catch.” Cultivate a positive self-image.

* Build your self-confidence by becoming the best “you” you can be. Invest in your personal growth, fine-tune your social skills, take safe and calculated risks, enhance your self-esteem and body image, develop a more balanced lifestyle with purposeful goals that will give you meaning. This will help take the focus off the other guy and put it more squarely on you and living your life to the max to where rejection won’t matter as much to you.

* Whenever you experience feelings of rejection, write down the thoughts you’re having in a journal and work at correcting any distorted beliefs that may be hurting you. Are you condemning yourself? Are your thoughts reinforcing low self-esteem? How are you contributing to your own feelings of rejection? Develop your own personal list of affirmations that will encourage and affirm you and rehearse them daily.

* Most importantly, stop giving emotional power to these men! How do you even know if this guy was really a match for you either? Are you projecting? His saying “no” to another date basically means that your personal requirements for a long-term relationship do not appear to match up. It is the traits, not you! And if a rejection occurs over something superficial, you don’t want to be with that person anyway. Superficiality does not equal long-term sustenance in relationships.

Overcome your fear of being negatively judged by having a solid grasp on your vision and requirements to operate from that.

Conclusion

While nobody likes to be rejected, remember that it’s all about perception and that you have total control over the way that you think and interpret things; you have no control over the other person. Re-frame your experience of rejection in more positive terms, develop a mindset of acceptance to bounce back quickly, and keep centered on your goals and beliefs in your ability to lead a happy life.

Dating is risky business and not for the faint of heart, but can be a rewarding adventure. Don’t let your fears of rejection paralyze your life; live by the mantra NO MORE MISSED OPPORTUNITIES and remember that the main reason Mr. Right will want to be with you is by you being who you inherently are—that’s why he will fall in love with you and vice versa.

So be yourself! Keep an ongoing log of affirmations that resonate with you to help you stay upbeat and centered during those difficult times, and in conclusion, here’s a neat way of looking at rejection.

To build resiliency, you must experience disappointment and rejection and failure and learn that one, you can survive it, and two that sometimes the universe has a better plan for you than you had for yourself all along. --- Azriela Jaffe, author of “Starting From No: 10 Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business.”

~~~thanks Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-01-30T18:27:00.001-05:00

Gay Relationships: Rejection Sucks! A Gay Guy's Primer On Dealing With It - Part 1

Posted: 30 Jan 2012 06:20 AM PST

“Well, it was really nice meeting you, bud, but I don’t really think we’re a match. Good luck to you though!” –or- “Yeah, it was fun! I’ll call you!” –and then the call never comes.

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there at one time or another. You know, that stabbing feeling of being unwanted that’s so hard to shake when it strikes. Yep—rejection! Rejection of all forms is a natural part of being human, from being declined for a job or being refused participation in a certain club. But as a single guy on a quest for a life partner, rejection is an inescapable given in the dating world as you search for a compatible counterpart. There is no way around it!

Now in this article, I’m not going to sugar-coat things and say “just get over it” or “it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to date you.”

This type of common advice minimizes the impact rejection really has. The truth of the matter is that rejection sucks! It hurts, it’s no fun, and it can be difficult to swallow at times. But while rejection can be a nasty experience, it is a fact of life that needs to be accepted and embraced in order to survive and triumph over its effects.There’s no easy formula for overcoming the fear of rejection, but what’s offered here are some tips for making the most of it and taking on a new perspective to help you forage on and prevent it from holding you back from accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams.

Why Rejection Hurts

Growing up gay in a homophobic society poses many challenges as we face our developmental tasks and build an identity. As gay men, most of us carried boat-loads of shame and fears of not being accepted for who we were as we grew up (and a lot of us still struggle with these issues as adults) because of the messages from society that said being gay is “bad.” This prejudice and discrimination, coupled with the fear of not being accepted, can lead to an extra-hypersensitivity when any kind of rejection is perceived. This can be even more pronounced for those men who experienced banishment from their families or suffered some type of trauma or abuse for being gay. Low self-esteem, the tendency to have a strong need for approval, and to define one’s self-image around what others think of you can be additional culprits in making rejection seem insurmountable.

The Costs Are High!

For some single gay men, the fear of rejection acts as a huge barrier against their claiming one of their most desired goals—a loving relationship. This fear can manifest itself in giving up on dating, isolating oneself, avoiding risks that could result in positive life changes, a tendency to become desperate, needy, clingy, and a people-pleaser. Then there’s all the negative, pessimistic thinking, anxiety, potential to become codependent, fear of commitment, and presenting a false self to avoid exposing oneself and being vulnerable, which then leads to intimacy deficits, decreased social confidence, and sometimes it reaches dangerous depths of turning to things such as alcohol/drugs and sex to self-medicate against those feelings. The list goes on—yuck!

· What does rejection mean to you?

· What are some of the losses and negative consequences you’ve endured as a result of your fear of rejection, if any?

A Mental Shift Is Required

A new mindset is mandatory for conquering the negative effects of a fear of rejection in the dating world. Most struggles with rejection stem from your self-talk, the chatter we all have going on in our heads all the time. What you think affects how you feel which affects how you act, and then they all interrelate with each other. You can create a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you expect rejection, it’ll turn out that way. A lot of our fears of being “dismissed” come from such cognitive distortions (negative thought traps) as catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion) and mindreading (making unfounded assumptions).

You can certainly miss out on golden opportunities for meeting Mr. Right if you expend all your energy on your worries and negative thinking, not to mention that your self-esteem will be undermined and you won’t feel comfortable in your own skin.

Your job is to identify which thoughts help vs. hinder your cause; capitalize on those that boost your confidence and motivate you, and work at defeating those negative thoughts that keep you trapped in vicious cycles of self-defeat. Replace those negative tapes with more affirming statements; this will take a lot of consistent practice to internalize the new messages and counter the old ones that form your beliefs. Another option is to create situations for yourself that will prove your old negative beliefs wrong by demonstrating to yourself that you are capable of overcoming anything that acts as an obstacle to your success.

[ Part 2 - Tomorrow ]

~~~~thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

2012-01-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

Sunday NEW YORK TIMES

REPRINTS

BORN this way.

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Readers shared their thoughts on this article.

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That has long been one of the rallying cries of a movement, and sometimes the gist of its argument. Across decades of widespread ostracism, followed by years of patchwork acceptance and, most recently, moments of heady triumph, gay people invoked that phrase to explain why homophobia was unwarranted and discrimination senseless.

Lady Gaga even spun an anthem from it.

But is it the right mantra to cling to? The best tack to take?

Not for the actress Cynthia Nixon, 45, whose comments in The New York Times Magazine last Sunday raised those very questions.

For 15 years, until 2003, she was in a relationship with a man. They had two children together. She then formed a new family with a woman, to whom she’s engaged. And she told The Times’s Alex Witchel that homosexuality for her “is a choice.”

“For many people it’s not,” she conceded, but added that they “don’t get to define my gayness for me.”

They do get to fume, though. Last week some did. They complained that she represented a minority of those in same-sex relationships and that she had furthermore handed a cudgel to our opponents, who might now cite her professed malleability as they make their case that incentives to change, not equal rights, are what we need.

But while her critics have good reason to worry about how her words will be construed and used, they have no right to demand the kind of silence and conformity from Nixon that gay people have justly rebelled against. She’s entitled to her own truth and manner of expressing it.

Besides which, there are problems with some gay advocates’ insistence that homosexuality be discussed and regarded as something ingrained at the first breath.

By hinging a whole movement on a conclusion that hasn’t been — and perhaps won’t be — scientifically pinpointed and proved beyond all doubt, they hitch it to a moving target. The exact dynamics through which someone winds up gay are “still an open question,” said Clinton Anderson, the director of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Concerns Office of the American Psychological Association. “There is substantial evidence of various connections between genes, brain, hormones and sexual identity,” he said. “But those do not amount to a simple picture that A leads to B.”

One landmark study looked at gay men’s brothers and found that 52 percent of identical twin brothers were also gay, in contrast with only 22 percent of nonidentical twin brothers and 11 percent of adoptive, genetically unrelated brothers. Heredity more than environment seemed to be calling the shots.

Other research has posited or identified common anatomical and chromosomal traits among gay men or lesbians, and there’s discussion of a gay gene or, rather, set of genes in the mix. The push to isolate it is entwined with the belief that establishing that sexual orientation is like skin color — an immutable matter of biology — will make homophobia as inexcusable as racism and winnow the ranks of haters.

But bigotry isn’t rational. Finding a determinative biological quirk, deviation or marker could prompt religious extremists who now want gays in reparative psychotherapy to focus on medical interventions instead. And a person’s absence of agency over his or her concentration of melanin has hardly ended all discrimination against blacks.

What’s more, the born-this-way approach carries an unintended implication that the behavior of gays and lesbians needs biological grounding to evade condemnation. Why should it?

Our laws safeguard religious freedom, and that’s not because there’s a Presbyterian,Buddhist or Mormon gene. There’s only a tradition and theology that you elect or decline to follow. But this country has deemed worshiping in a way that feels consonant with who you are to be essential to a person’s humanity. So it’s protected.

Our laws also safeguard the right to bear arms: not exactly a biological imperative.

Among adults, the right to love whom you’re moved to love — and to express it through sex and maybe, yes, marriage — is surely as vital to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as a Glock. And it’s a lot less likely to cause injury, if that’s a deciding factor: how a person’s actions affect the community around him or her.

I USE the words “moved to love” in an effort to define the significant, important territory between “born this way” and choice. That solid ground covers “built this way,” “oriented this way,” and “evolved this way”; it incorporates the possibility of a potent biological predisposition mingling with other factors beyond anyone’s ready control; and it probably applies to Nixon herself. In a Daily Beast interview after the Times article appeared, she clarified that she has experienced an unforced, undeniable attraction to individuals of both sexes. In other words, she’s bisexual, not whimsical. She just happens not to like that term, she said.

In any case, concentrating on how she ended up like that misses the point.

“Most people’s sexual attractions are pretty much fixed” once they take root, said Jack Drescher, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who has written extensively about homosexuality. In light of both that and the unanswered questions about what fixes them, there’s more wisdom and less harm in accepting and respecting homosexuality than not.

We don’t need to be born this way to refute the ludicrous assertion that homosexuality poses some special threat to the stability of the American family. We need only note that heterosexuality — as practiced by the likes of Newt Gingrich and John Edwards, for example — isn’t any lucky charm, and yet no one’s trying to heal the straights.

We don’t need to be born this way to call out Chris Christie, currently trying to avoidresponsibility for a decision about same-sex marriage in New Jersey, for being a political wimp. Andrew Cuomo showed courage and foresight in fighting successfully for such legislation in New York. Christie, who fancies himself a dauntless brawler, should do the same in the state next door.

I honestly have no idea if I was born this way. My memory doesn’t stretch to the crib.

But I know that from the moment I felt romantic stirrings, it was Timmy, not Tammy, who could have me walking on air or wallowing in torch songs and tubs of ice cream. These feelings gelled early, and my considerable fear of society’s censure was no match for them.

I know that being in a same-sex relationship feels as central and natural to me as my loyalty to my father, my pride in my siblings’ accomplishments and my protectiveness of their children — all emotions that I didn’t exit the womb with but will not soon shake.

And I know that I’m a saner, kinder person this way than trapped in a contrivance or a lie. Surely that’s not just to my advantage but to society’s, too.

2012-01-28T10:01:00.001-05:00

PSYCHOLOGY [Ed. note" BY NOW MOST OF US HAVE PRETTY WELL DETERMINED IN WHICH DIRECTION WE NATURALLY TEND, BUT FOR CURIOSITY SAKE MAY I SUGGEST you look at the quick test given in the text. . . and the reasons why 'naturally'we choose the way we do. The reasons behind our natural choices may fascinate you. . Justin .]

Society rewards extroverts, but quiet types have a hidden strength all their own

By SUSAN CAIN | @susancain | January 26, 2012 | 31

SANDRO DI CARLO DARSA / PHOTOALTO / GETTY IMAGES

Cain's book,Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, was published in January 2012.

Imagine a 2-year-old who greets you with a huge smile, offering a toy. Now here’s another child who regards you gravely and hides behind his parent’s leg. How do you feel about these two children? If you’re like most people, you think of the first child as social and the second as reserved or, as everyone tends to interpret, “shy.” From a very young age, we categorize children as one or the other, and we usually privilege the social designation. But this misses what’s really going on with standoffish kids. Many were born with a careful, sensitive temperament that predisposes them to look before they leap. And this can pay off handsomely as they grow, in the form of strong academics, enhanced creativity and even a unique brand of leadership and empathy.

(QUIZ: Are You an Introvert or an Extrovert?)

One way to see this temperament more clearly is to consider how these children react to stimuli. When these children are at four months, if you pop a balloon over their heads, they holler and pump their arms more than other babies do. At age 2, they proceed carefully when they see a radio-controlled toy robot for the first time. When they’re school age, they play matching games with more deliberation than their peers, considering all the alternatives at length and even using more eye movements to compare choices. Notice that none of these things — popping balloons, toy robots, matching games — has anything to do with people. In other words, these kids are not antisocial. They’re simply sensitive to their environments.

(MORE: How To Get Your Child Ready for Kindergarten)

But if they’re not antisocial, these kids are differently social. According to the psychologist Elaine Aron, author of the book Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person, 70% of children with a careful temperament grow up to be introverts, meaning they prefer minimally stimulating environments — a glass of wine with a close friend over a raucous party full of strangers. Some will grow up shy as well. Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Shy people fear negative judgment, while introverts simply prefer less stimulation; shyness is inherently painful, and introversion is not. But in a society that prizes the bold and the outspoken, both are perceived as disadvantages.

Yet we wouldn’t want to live in a world composed exclusively of bold extroverts. We desperately need people who pay what Aron calls “alert attention” to things. It’s no accident that introverts get better grades than extroverts, know more about most academic subjects and win a disproportionate number of Phi Beta Kappa keys and National Merit Scholarship finalist positions — even though their IQ scores are no higher. “The glory of the disposition that stops to consider stimuli rather than rushing to engage with them is its long association with intellectual and artistic achievement,” observes science writer Winifred Gallagher. “Neither E=mc² nor Paradise Lost was dashed off by a party animal.”

(MORE: The Advantages of the Middle-Age Brain)

Children with an alert, sensitive temperament also pay close attention to social cues and moral principles. By age 6, they cheat and break rules less than other kids do — even when they believe they won’t be caught. At 7, they’re more likely than their peers to be described by parents and caregivers as empathetic or conscientious. As adults, introverted leaders have even been found to deliver better outcomes than extroverts when managing employees, according to a recent study by management professor Adam Grant of the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, because they encourage others’ ideas instead of trying to put their own stamp on things. And they’re less likely to take dangerous risks. Extroverts are more likely than introverts to get into car accidents, participate in extreme sports and to place large financial bets.

But we wouldn’t want to live in a world composed entirely of cautious introverts either. The two types need each other. Many successful ventures are the result of effective partnerships between introverts and extroverts. The famously charismatic Steve Jobs teamed up with powerhouse introverts at crucial points in his career at Apple, co-founding the company with the shy Steve Wozniak and bequeathing it to its current CEO, the quiet Tim Cook. And the three-time Olympic-gold-winning rowing pair Marnie McBean and Kathleen Biddle were a classic match of dynamic firecracker (McBean) and steely determination (Biddle).

The ideal scenario is when those two toddlers — the one who hands you the toy with the smile and the other who checks you out so carefully — grow up to run the world together.

(MORE: Cover Story: The Upside of Being an Introvert)

Susan Cain, a former corporate lawyer and negotiations consultant, is the author of Quiet. The views expressed are solely her own.

The Key to Creativity: Solitude or Teams? New York Times
When Shyness Is the Sign of Something More CNN

Related Topics: extroversion, extrovert, introversion, introvert, quiet, shy, shyness, Health & Science, Psychology

2012-01-28T04:27:00.002-05:00

Hide Details

FROM:

gary

TO:

Justin OShea

Friday, January 27, 2012 11:25 PM

G'day JustinO,

Yesterday, I drove to to the Port Macquarie Base Hospital, about an hour up the coast from here, to get a feeding tube inserted in my stomach. The main cancer surgery was done in Sydney, and the tumor was successfully removed, but I'll also be undergoing six week's radiation therapy at Port Macquarie, starting in two weeks. They say the radiation on my neck will make swallowing difficult and my throat sore so I'll need the tube to feed myself. How thrilling. According to the doc it's a precauctionary measure just to make sure no nasty cancer cells are still lurking.

Anyway, I thought the extra belly button was gonna be a one day job but they wouldn't allowed me to drive back home on the same day. Apart from that, I'm really tired lately and lethargic. I'll be glad when all this bullshit is over.

Thanks for asking after me, JustinO. I'm getting there... albeit slowly.

Gary

2012-01-27T18:30:00.000-05:00

bout right wing watch

Submitted by Kyle Mantyla on January 26, 2012 - 4:09pm

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich held another conference call for Religious Right supporters, seeking to mobilize them ahead of the Republican primary in Florida.
The call was hosted by Jim Garlow and featured several other of the Gingrich campaign's Faith Coalition leaders explaining why they had decided to support Gingrich ... and the consensus was that if President Obama wins re-election, it means the end of Western Civilization:

Mat Staver: I believe that if Speaker Gingrich wins Florida next Tuesday, he wins the nomination. If he wins the nomination, he beats President Barack Obama and we have not a cloud hanging over us in November and December of 2012 but we begin to see the clouds dissipating and some ray of sunshine of hope return to this land.
Jim Garlow: At the risk of sounding melodramatic, the United States as we know her will cease to exist as will, then, Western Civilization. Those who are discerning, those who are intuitive to what is happening morally and economically in our nation understand the truth.
George Barna: As you mentioned Jim, for the last twenty years I have steadfastly refused to endorse any individuals or organizations or products. But as I've analyzed the severity of America's situation today, I've come to believe that such self-restrictions are a luxury that we can no longer afford. So after carefully studying all the candidates in regards to the needs I just described and assessing their ability to win in November, I concluded that Newt Gingrich is the best man for the job.
Jim Garlow: We are in a situation that is so crisic in America, I'm actually stunned that President Obama could do this much destruction to the nation in a three year span. I never anticipated that this much harm in the moral and economic arenas of our nation could be brought on by one particular president.
Don Wildmon: This is not a typical election. This is an election unlike any ever held in our country. We're not just voting for a president; we're voting for the continuation of Western Civilization. If those who are listening think that what we enjoy, the freedoms we enjoy, the right to practice our Christan faith, is merely an accident and is there, it's not, people paid for it. And we can lose it, and we will lose it, if we lose this next election. What's at stake is everything that the human race, Western Civilization, has fought for for the last two thousand years.

When Gingrich joined the call, the thrice-married candidate served up some red meat to the audience by declaring that efforts to grant equal marriage rights to gays and lesbians are "pagan behaviors":

It's pretty simple: marriage is between a man and a woman. This is a historic doctrine driven deep into the Bible, both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, and it's a perfect example of what I mean by the rise of paganism. The effort to create alternatives to marriage between a man and a woman are perfectly natural pagan behaviors, but they are a fundamental violation of our civilization.

Finally, Gingrich explained that he didn't really have any interest in being president but decided that he had to do so because all the other Republicans are so terrible so that he had a moral obligation to step up and save this nation and that he would just magnanimously have to suffer the insults that come his way:

I want people to understand, I'm a volunteer. Callista and I had very long talks for over a year and then we talked with our two daughters and our two son-in-laws because we knew if we tried to offer help the country that we would be subjected to news media assaults, we'd be subjected to vicious gossip, we'd be subjected to people on the web saying horrible things and we'd be subjected to negative ads from our opponents. And we concluded that we are in so much trouble and we are in such grave danger of losing the America that we grew up in and the lack of Republican ability to articulate and communicate and defend is so great that both of us - this was a dual decision - we both concluded that we had a moral obligation to endure whatever comes and to at least offer, as citizens, to try and be of service.

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2012-01-27T10:37:00.000-05:00

Starting A New Gay Relationship - Part 2

Posted: 27 Jan 2012 06:20 AM PST

[ continued from yesterday ]

Nurturing new relationships takes time and effort. Let's look at two uncomfortable issues that can come up: arguments and sexual interest.

Perhaps you're home with Mr. Right and you have your first argument. Nothing too serious, but it's hard not to feel unsettled. What's going on here?

A piece of advice many couples have found works for them is: never go to bed angry. Stay with the argument until it gets resolved instead. Conflict can make you anxious when a relationship is new, but don't shy away from speaking your mind.

Relationships where one or both partners avoid showing their true feelings in disputes with one another are relationships that aren't going to last.

See if you can let your partner express what he's feeling upset about without getting defensive.

Acknowledge that you've heard what he's saying; if you think he's right, say so. If you think he's off base, let him know. Understand that relationships require compromise. The optimal outcome isn't likely to be your partner unconditionally surrendering because you've out-argued him; the best outcome is going to be something that leaves each of you feeling well-heard and respected, and the issue in question moved toward resolution.

Maybe the biggest mistake partners make is believing "I know what he is thinking." You don't - at least not until you ask him. You think his lack of interest in sex last night meant he's getting bored; maybe it just means he's tired.

Don't make assumptions. Ask your partner what he's thinking or feeling.
In fact, taking a few minutes regularly each week to check in is great practice that can deepen relationships. Even ten minutes apiece to ask one another, "How are you this week?" can lead to better mutual understanding, greater closeness and more opportunity for intimacy.

Another difficult issue for couples moving beyond the newlywed stage is sexual interest. When you are dating, sex with your new boyfriend feels pretty special. After a while you will get to know every hair and freckle on your partner's body, and the novelty of sex will wear off.

Life's other demands can crowd out lovemaking. Most of us aren't all that eager for sex after working long hours and knowing we've got another exhausting day ahead of us tomorrow. Throw in household chores and a hundred other distractions and sex can get pretty stale before you know it.

It may feel unromantic to schedule date night together, but doing penciling it in your schedule is a lot more romantic than watching another week go by without making enough time for one another.

Some couples create routines or rituals that work for them: Friday nights are strictly for the two of them, no intrusions permitted, or Tuesday evenings are the night to cook a special dinner together rather than rely on the usual quick meal after work.

Keeping sex passionate requires paying attention.

When you are first together, the sex may be so hot it's hard to believe things will every cool down - but they probably will. The frequency of lovemaking often slows down after a few months, but the satisfaction both partners receive from sex can increase as they learn more about how to turn one another on.
Take time to start your relationship off on the right foot and you'll like the results.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

~~~~thanks, MICHAEL, gaytwogether.com

Why a group for masculine guys?

Most gay men find masculinity attractive
(Check the personal ads if you have any doubt.) Yet gay culture assumes that we all grew up "different", that we’re "sisters under the skin". This leads to one of the paradoxes of gay culture: a lot of men who ridicule "traditional" masculinity (which they equate with repression), even as they lust after Troy Aikman or Ben Affleck. Yes, campy bitchiness can be a valid option (it’s a free country), but it doesn‘t come naturally (or seem very attractive) to a lot of us

2012-01-26T13:14:00.002-05:00

Starting A New Gay Relationship – Part 1

Posted: 26 Jan 2012 06:20 AM PST

Starting a new relationship can feel a bit disorienting. At first everything is exciting; this is what you’ve always wanted, right? Months or years – seems like a lifetime – of dating, and all of a sudden here he is! What’s next?

Relationships require care and encouragement and it helps to get things started on the right foot. Perhaps your first thought is, “so when do we start living together?” Whoa – slow down. Most of us know guys who went home from the bar together the night they first met, and one of them basically never went home. Other couples have been together for years, but find it more agreeable to keep separate households.

Take time to find out what the right rhythm is for each of you. If your tendency in the past has been to make a commitment like moving in with someone after only a few weeks only to find that the relationship never should have happened, make a commitment to yourself that this time you are going to wait at least six months before combining your CD collections. What’s the rush?

Part of dating is trying to make a positive impression – being thoughtful, considerate, romantic. Those are good things in a relationship, too, but face it – if he hangs around, your lover is going to see you at times other than when you are on top of your game.

Allowing your partner to see you at times when you aren’t your best – when things haven’t gone well at work or you’ve had a painful conflict with your crazy family – isn’t stuff you would usually recommend for a first date. But being yourself in good times and bad is the way he’ll get to know you and the way the bonds of intimacy will deepen between you.

If you let your partner see you warts and all, he’ll probably show you his less-attractive stuff as well. It can be a little startling seeing Mr. Right’s flaws.

Don’t think you can change your partner. The start of a relationship offers a great opportunity to learn all about his eccentricities: the way he mispronounces that particular word of his, or his curious need to keep his checkbook in perfect balance.

See if you can practice just noticing rather than criticizing. Who is this peculiar creature that now shares your life? Promise yourself you won’t nit-pick these little things. Learn to relax and laugh at yourself and your reactions to these little things. Criticism and nagging aren’t going to get you off on the right foot.

Some men handle intimacy easier than others. Intimacy requires us to let down our guard and become more open and vulnerable. The trouble is, most men have learned from an early age that making yourself letting down your defenses is a stupid thing to do because you’re likely to get hurt. This makes closeness a real challenge for guys, even if it’s what we most want. You really care about what this guy thinks of you, and the temptation is to try to look good rather than be genuine.

One of the secrets of relationships is that if the relationship is a healthy one, we actually become safer in it by lowering our defenses. Our partner responds to our openness with more openness of his own, or we learn that the blemish that we worried would cause him to run away turns out to be no big deal.

(part two - tomorrow)
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

~~~~~thanks to Michael@gaytwogether.com